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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23404885">La Douleur Exquise</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys'>lullys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Fake Marriage, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Hurt Jensen Ackles, I promise a happy ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Rock Star Jensen Ackles, Rock Stars, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:14:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>62,619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23404885</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  </p><div class="center"><em>
      <p>La Douleur Exquise: the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.</p>
    </em></div>
<p></p><p>Jared writes love songs, Jensen sings them. They’ve known each other their whole lives, know everything there is to know about one another as they are the best of friends. The only thing Jensen doesn’t know is that every single one of those love songs Jared writes, are for him.</p><p>Jensen dreams big, he wants to become a famous singer, to have a chance at success. </p><p>Jared only dreams about having a chance with Jensen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki, Justin Hartley/Jared Padalecki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>283</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>266</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay guys here we go  again. This fic has been in my head for the longest time, waaaaay before I even considered writing Serendipity. I wrote that one first because that's where my muse headed and I was feeling it much more. I have wanted to write a rockstar Jensen AU for a long time for a number of reasons. One because well, it's obvious. Jensen as a rockstar, duh. And second, I'm sure you guys don't know that but the first fic I've ever written was back in 2008, when I was a David Cook fan (from American idol). I had a group of friends who were all fans of him, and I wrote a fic with one of them (we are still friends to this day and still proud of that fic even tho we had no idea what we were doing). In that fic, David was a rockstar (obviously) and he had a best friend ever since they were kids (her name was Anne). They would eventually find out they liked each other and things got weird and hard for them until reaching the happy ending. For a long time I wanted to take that fic and bring it to the J2 universe, but of course creating something entirely new at the same time. </p><p>Another thing I've always wanted to write, was an unrequited love story. I love those stories where one boy is deeply in love with the other who has no clue about it, and we can actually *feel* their pain in our own chest, and we hurt alongside them. I've already done the lost and found, the "enemies" to lovers and stuff, and one trope that was still missing was this. </p><p>So I decided to put these two things together and here we are! </p><p>I decided to post this first chapter as an incentive to myself. I've been struggling to write this story for a while, I have all of it in my head but it's been hard to transfer it to words. I thought that if I posted the first chapter, I'd have a push to write more of it because I know you guys would be waiting for it. So I'd kindly ask for your incentive if you like this story, and also for you to have a bit of patience if I take too long to update it (I promise I'll try not to). I know we are all going through a hard time with the pandemic, so I want to take this time to do something productive. </p><p>Oh by the way, this story will have some songs since Jared is a songwriter and Jensen sings them, but since I'm not a songwriter myself I'm gonna borrow some existing songs. Hope you don't mind!</p><p>As usual, a huge thanks to my beta Mag, for not only beta'ing this story but also for the breainstorming! You're amazing as always!</p><p>I really hope you enjoy this story and if you can as usual, please leave a comment to let me know!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I am in love with everything that’s unreachable: the sun, the moon, the stars, the galaxy… and you.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Jared</strong>
</p>
<p>Of all the things in Jared’s life, he’s only certain of one. And it’s not even if he chose the right major - he thinks he wants to go with English but everything can change. No, that’s not it. He has been sure about this even before he knew what it meant.</p>
<p>He sits at the balcony in their apartment, watching the city below him, guitar on his lap, notebook on the small table in front of him, and picks up the beer bottle from the floor next to him, drinking a good amount before setting it down again.</p>
<p>Jared thinks about earlier today, at campus. Jensen and him were supposed to have lunch together at the Five Guys near campus, their favorite spot. Jared arrived a bit earlier and even though he was starving he decided to wait for Jensen, taking the time to study for his test while waiting for his friend to arrive. He wasn’t even done with the first page as his phone beeped.</p>
<p>
  <em>Sorry man, got myself a hot date, can’t say no. U get it right? Raincheck?</em>
</p>
<p>Jared had lost all his appetite in an instant, his whole body going colder. He had considered not answering, why bother? But he knew Jensen would be waiting, he would want to know if it was really okay with Jared. He knows Jensen, he would never want to make Jared upset.</p>
<p>Sure.</p>
<p>
  <em>Yeah, k dude. Have fun.</em>
</p>
<p>That was the most Jared could muster, then he closed his book and stuffed it inside his backpack. On his way out of the place he spotted Jensen from afar, one arm around a pretty girl’s shoulder. She was petite with long dark hair, and was looking up at Jensen as if she couldn’t believe she got so lucky.</p>
<p>Yeah, Jared got it.</p>
<p>Jared hasn’t seen Jensen ever since. He had gone to work afterwards and totally didn’t spend the whole afternoon imagining what Jensen was doing with that girl, enjoying his day off.</p>
<p>Jared plays some chords as words slowly come to him, and he scribbles them all down. After a while, he has the first verse.</p>
<p>
  <em>Turn down the lights</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Turn down the bed</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Turn down these voices inside my head</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Lay down with me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Tell me no lies</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Just hold me close, don't patronize</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Don't patronize me</em>
</p>
<p>It takes another half an hour and one more beer for Jared to get the chorus right, and he sings it in a low voice to test it.</p>
<p>
  <em>'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You can't make your heart feel something it won't</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Here in the dark, in these final hours</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But you won't, no you won't</em>
  <br/>
  <em>'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't</em>
</p>
<p>The one thing Jared is certain in his life, is that he loves Jensen. It’s that simple. Jared can’t tell exactly when he knew, it’s just something that has always been there. From day one.</p>
<p>“Whoa, I love that!”</p>
<p>Jared startles and misses a note, his heart skipping a beat hearing his friend’s voice. He turns his head a little and looks up, finding his best friend looking down at him with a smile on his face. “Hey Jen.”</p>
<p>“That one sounds really good Jay! You’re done with it already?”</p>
<p>Jared shakes his head. “Not yet. Just starting.” He turns his face away from Jensen, looking down at his guitar, playing a few chords. “How was your date?” Jared manages to keep his voice casual, just a friend wanting to hear if his friend got any.</p>
<p>Jensen chuckles, and Jared doesn’t even need to turn around to see the smug smile forming on his face. “She’s alright. Name’s Karen. Maybe we will go out again, there are more things I want to do with her.”</p>
<p>Jared swallows hard, staring at his guitar. “Cool.”</p>
<p>“Yeah it was,” Jensen answers clueless to the turmoil going on inside Jared. “Now I’m going for a shower, gotta get ready for the gig tonight. You coming, right?”</p>
<p>Jared turns his face just a tad and nods. “Yeah, sure I am. Chad said he will meet us there.”</p>
<p>“Cool!” Jensen pats Jared’s shoulder twice and takes off for his bedroom, leaving Jared feeling the burn of his touch.</p>
<p>Jared doesn’t take long to get the next verse done.</p>
<p>
  <em>I'll close my eyes, then I won't see</em>
  <br/>
  <em>The love you don't feel when you're holding me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Morning will come and I'll do what's right</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Just give me till then to give up this fight</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And I will give up this fight</em>
</p>
<p>Jared is yet certain about one more thing: he will never have Jensen.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Jared remembers when Jensen had his first kiss, they were probably 12 or something. Jared always knew he felt something different for Jensen, that he <em>was</em> different, but that was probably the turning point.</p>
<p>Jared had been waiting for Jensen on the sidewalk after school, they always walked home together since they lived on the same street. Jensen was always on time but that day he was running late and Jared had wondered what was going on. When Jared was almost about to go back inside to see what was holding Jensen up, his friend emerged looking all flushed.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Jay, you won’t believe what happened! I just kissed Katie Welsh, man! Tongue and everything!”</em>
</p>
<p>That was the first time Jared felt his heart being crushed. That would become a common recurrence. He didn’t speak all the way home, just listened to Jensen rambling on about the kiss, even giving him details. Jared couldn’t sleep that night, because he had realized he wished he was the one kissing Jensen. He recognized he was jealous as fuck and that probably meant he liked Jensen. Which was weird because Jensen was a boy. That had messed Jared up pretty good for a while.</p>
<p>Jared ended up coming to terms with the fact that he was gay, and thankfully his family had been surprisingly accepting, even if they were in Texas and all of that. But Jensen of course was the first one to know. He had always been Jared’s best friend after all, ever since that fateful day when they were five and Jensen’s family moved to Jared’s street. It was very easy. Jared trusted Jensen with his life so he blurted out to his friend one night while they were playing video games in Jensen’s bedroom. Jared was terrified Jensen would be grossed out, that he would kick Jared out and tell him they could no longer be friends. But Jensen had been very supportive, and gave Jared the boost he needed to tell his parents. Jensen always had Jared’s back, even when he was bullied at school for his sexual preferences. Jensen would fight anyone who dared lie a finger on Jared or call him names, and everyone respected Jensen because unlike geeky scrawny Jared, Jensen was the popular football captain prom king that everyone loved.</p>
<p>Jensen was the heartthrob in their school, all the girls - and Jared - loved him. But unlike Jared, a lot of them had a shot with Jensen. It was to Jared that Jensen came when he lost his V-card, again telling in detail the experience and again, breaking his heart. Jared lost his to a guy named Matt, he went to a different school and came to play against their team. He took an interest in Jared, who thought it would be the right thing to do. It wasn’t bad, worth the experience, but Jared kept imagining Jensen the whole time. Jared never lasts with anyone because he tries to find Jensen in every guy he dates, and they are never him.</p>
<p>So their whole lives Jared has had to watch Jensen parade around with every damn girl he could score with, knowing he will never, in a million years, have a shot. That’s why this is Jared’s best kept secret, Jensen can never know. If he did, things would be awkward between them, or even worse, Jensen would pity Jared. He would give him the “I love you as a brother but nothing could ever happen between us because I dig tits dude, sorry. But I still want us to remain friends, please!” speech. Jared could never stomach this rejection. That’s why Jensen will never know if Jared can help it. He’d rather have Jensen in his life as his best friend than not having him at all. His heart is already used to the blows, or so Jared tells himself.</p>
<p>Jared goes to his room to get ready for the gig. Jensen often plays at the local bar alongside his friends Chris and Steve. They are pretty good, Jensen has the voice of an angel and the place gets crowded whenever Jensen is singing. Jared started writing songs a long time ago, he learned he was good at it around the same time he learned how to play guitar - Jensen taught him - and when Jared showed Jensen his first song, Jensen had been ecstatic. Jared’s songs worked perfectly in Jensen’s voice, so Jensen began singing them. His whole playlist consists of Jared’s songs, which makes him very proud. The only thing Jensen doesn’t know is who Jared’s inspiration to write those songs is.</p>
<p>When Jared emerges in the living room again, Jensen is already there collecting his wallet and phone. Jared stares at him for a moment. The fucker is wearing tight jeans with holes on the knees, a dark blue henley shirt with a leather jacket on top, black biker boots, and his hair is spiked up with gel. Jared just can’t avert his eyes because Jensen looks like a wet dream and Jared looking like he does, with his plain clothes and floppy hair, could never stand a fucking chance. Jensen is a greek god.</p>
<p>“Ready to go dude? You okay?”</p>
<p>Jared blinks a few times and looks up at Jensen’s face, trying to regain his composure. “Yeah, yeah sure. Sorry, blacked out for a sec. Let’s go.”</p>
<p>When they arrive at the bar, everyone is already settled at the table closest to the stage as usual. Chris and Steve greet them and Jensen sits beside his friends while Jared sits next to Chad and Sophia. They all have a beer together before the three of them say their goodbyes and head backstage. Chad gives Jared a knowing look, and Jared just shakes his head. Sophia doesn’t know anything and Jared doesn’t intend for this to change tonight - or ever.</p>
<p>Chad is the only person who knows how Jared feels about Jensen. They met when Chad was transferred to their school when Jared was about 13, and they became great friends. Chad is one of Jared’s closest friends, second only to Jensen. Jared never had to tell Chad anything, his friend was too clever for his own good. He had caught the devastated look on Jared’s face when Jensen had told them during lunch break that he and Melanie Brown were finally dating after him trying so hard to get her to say yes to him. Jensen had excused himself soon after so he could go after Melanie, and all it took for Chad was a look at Jared’s face after Jensen was gone and he dropped the happy mask he had been using.</p>
<p>
  <em>“You love him, don’t you?” Chad was straightforward like that. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jared’s first instinct was to deny it, nobody could ever know. But Chad’s sympathetic tone, combined with Jared’s deep need to share this with somebody, anybody, made him nod shortly as he stared at his food.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’m assuming he doesn’t know.” It was a statement and Jared nodded again, looking at his new friend with pleading eyes and brows furrowed. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“He can never know. Nobody does. Please Chad.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chad had given Jared a sad smile, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “Don’t worry dude. Your secret is safe with me.”</em>
</p>
<p>And it has been like this to this day. Chad has never told a living soul about Jared’s secret, and Jared has somebody he trusts so he can talk to when it gets extra hard. Or more often than not, Jared doesn’t even have to talk, Chad gets his mood and he knows Jensen did something.</p>
<p>Chad and Jensen are good friends too, but deep down Chad resents Jensen for hurting Jared, even if he is none the wiser about this whole situation.</p>
<p>Jensen Ackles and Band are called to the stage and everyone cheers. Jensen looks like a million dollars, he owns the stage and when he starts singing with his powerful and beautiful voice, everyone is hypnotized by him. Jensen is amazing and gorgeous and he looks like a true rockstar, and Jared will never have a chance.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>“Dude, do you think I’ll ever become famous? Like, really really famous?”</p>
<p>They are both sitting on the couch eating pizza, a couple of days after the gig. Jared swallows the piece he had been chewing and downs it with his beer, looking sideways at his friend.</p>
<p>“Do you want to be really really famous?”</p>
<p>Jensen shrugs. “Of course I do, you know that! Can you imagine that, Jay? Traveling the country for gigs, being on TV, our music playing everywhere! Being worshipped by everyone, imagine all the girls that would fall in my lap! We could even score you some dudes too, it would be the dream!”</p>
<p>Jared takes a long sip of his beer so he doesn’t say something stupid. He clears his throat and makes a suggestion instead.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you record some videos to put on YouTube? The internet is the real thing these days, if you want to be seen that’s probably the place you should go to.”</p>
<p>Jensen frowns as he considers Jared’s idea. “You think this could work?”</p>
<p>Jared shrugs. “Couldn’t hurt to try.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Following Jared’s idea, next Saturday both boys go to the park close to their building, Jensen with his guitar. They find a nice place under a tree and Jensen sits down with his back to it, sunglasses in place. Jared sets up a tripod with his phone on it so he can record Jensen. Jensen had asked Jared’s suggestions on the best songs to start, and Jared had made a list. They record a handful of songs, and Jared declares they have great material to start with.</p>
<p>Jared spends the next day editing the videos, creating nice art to go with them, messing with the light and colors and everything to make it perfect. Jared has always been good with these things. He creates a YouTube channel called <em>Jensen Ackles </em>and uploads a couple of videos on it. He writes a bit about Jensen on the bio, also adding his contacts, and also makes a nice art for the channel cover.</p>
<p>“You’re all set, dude!” Jared announces to Jensen, who had been closeby watching Jared doing all the work.</p>
<p>Jensen inspects the channel as Jared shows him everything, including the videos he uploaded. “That looks great Jay, very professional, thanks! But what if nobody cares about it?”</p>
<p>Jared gives Jensen a smile. “Oh, they will care. Trust me.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Jared, Jensen and their friends make an effort to spread the word that Jensen has a channel now. They all share the videos on social media and also on campus. Jensen also mentions the channel during the gigs at the bar, asking everyone to please subscribe and watch the videos. Jared keeps posting new videos regularly, as they record more of them. Not only with their original songs, but also with famous covers that Jensen does like nobody else. Slowly but surely, the videos start to get more views and Jensen gets more subscribers and followers on Instagram. Jared had also suggested Jensen became more active on Instagram as well, posting smaller videos and also some pictures looking like a rockstar - Jared made Jensen dress up so he could take some pictures of him, it was a hard day for Jared. Jensen starts getting a lot of comments, saying how talented he is, not to mention drop dead gorgeous.</p>
<p>Jensen then begins getting invited to play at bigger bars, and even at other nearby towns. Jared goes with him whenever he can, although it’s hard to see Jensen score even more chicks now. But he sucks it up, he’s not selfish and wants his friend to succeed. Jensen was born to it.</p>
<p>The views on his videos grow even higher, and they start posting them more frequently, choosing different scenarios to shoot them. Suddenly everyone on campus knows Jensen, well even<em> more</em> than they already did, and he becomes a local celebrity. If the bar already got crowded whenever Jensen plays, now there’s a long line outside. It’s only a matter of time before the inevitable happens, and it does after a couple of months.</p>
<p>“Oh my God Jay, you won’t believe what just happened!” Jensen emerges from his bedroom, phone in hand, looking at Jared as if he was seeing a ghost.</p>
<p>Jared is on his feet in an instant, feeling worried. “What is it??”</p>
<p>“A guy from Sony Music just called me. They want to have a meeting so maybe I can sign a contract with them! Can you believe it, Jay?? Sony wants <em>me</em>!”</p>
<p>Jared’s jaw drops. “Oh my God, Jensen!! That’s fucking amazing!!”</p>
<p>Jensen smiles at Jared but he can tell his friend is freaking out, as he looks unsure. “It is, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>Jared gives him a wide smile and closes the distance between them, grabbing both of Jensen’s shoulders. “Of course it is, Jen! It’s incredible! I knew this would happen, I told you!”</p>
<p>Jensen looks a bit more confident as he looks at Jared. “You really did.”</p>
<p>Jared pulls Jensen for a hug, and they hold each other for a long time. Jared closes his eyes and takes in Jensen’s scent. He always takes whatever opportunity he can to be close to Jensen like this, if it’s all he’s got.</p>
<p>When they break apart, Jensen smiles widely. “Thanks for doing all of this for me Jay.”</p>
<p>Jared shrugs. “Well, I always knew you would be really really famous someday.”</p>
<p>“Would you go with me to the meeting at Sony Music?” Jensen looks at Jared so hopeful that Jared could never deny it. Well, he doesn’t even want to.</p>
<p>“Of course I will dude! I’m gonna be there to make sure they treat you well!”</p>
<p>“It’s in New York City.”</p>
<p>Jared just lifts an eyebrow, offering Jensen a half smile. “I’ll book our tickets then.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Jared had never been to New York City and it’s pretty amazing. Sadly they’re only spending the weekend in town so Jensen can go to his meeting with Sony Music and they can’t afford a longer stay, but it’s nice to be in the Big Apple nonetheless. Jared goes for some sightseeing as Jensen heads to the meeting, after wishing good luck to his best friend. Jared really hopes it goes well and Jensen ends up with a nice contract with an important label. That would be very cool.</p>
<p>After a few hours Jensen messages Jared saying the meeting is over, and they set up a place to meet. Jensen doesn’t say anything further and Jared is almost jumping up and down with anticipation. Jared arrives at their meeting spot, somewhere close to Times Square, and Jensen is already there waiting for him, an indecipherable look on his face.</p>
<p>“So?” Jared asks with wide eyes as he approaches Jensen. “How did it go?”</p>
<p>Jensen’s face suddenly breaks into a megawatt smile. “They want me as one of their new artists Jay! Can you believe that? They want me to record an album to be on all streaming platforms, they are gonna promote me and hopefully I’ll do some real gigs! Isn’t that amazing?”</p>
<p>Jared’s heart almost beats out of his chest, he’s so happy for Jensen. “Jen, that’s fucking incredible! I’m so proud of you, I knew they would want you!”</p>
<p>Jared pulls Jensen for a hug and they hold each other tight for several moments, as if there’s nobody in this world but them. Jared wishes he could kiss Jensen senseless, to show him how happy he is, but instead he just holds his best friend even tighter. He’s gonna be famous, Jared knows it.</p>
<p>Once they break apart they decide to go to lunch so Jensen can share the details. They end up in a small bar they find, two beers and buffalo wings in front of them.</p>
<p>“They are gonna prepare a contract,” Jensen says as he chews a wing. “Once it’s ready they are gonna send it to me so I can run over it with my dad’s lawyer, and then I’ll come back to sign it and stuff. They are gonna get me an agent who knows the best way to promote me and stuff. I can’t believe this is happening, Jay. And it’s all because of you, ya know?”</p>
<p>Jared feels his cheeks blushing and he hides behind his beer mug not to show it too much. He shrugs to play cool. “It was no big deal at all. I knew you had it in you.”</p>
<p>“By the way,” Jensen continues as he drinks his own beer. “You’re gonna profit from this too since I sing the songs you write. So you’re gonna get a contract too as a songwriter, and I definitely want you to keep writing my songs if this thing goes somewhere.”</p>
<p>Jared swallows down and nods. He hopes nobody realizes who Jared’s inspiration is for the songs he writes.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Jared and Jensen spend their remaining time in New York doing sightseeing and having a great time. It feels great to spend time with Jensen, just the two of them. On Sunday Jensen takes Jared for lunch at a place called Ellen’s Stardust Diner, which according to him, it’s a famous place where the waiters and waitresses sing like in a Broadway show. It’s super fun and Jared has a blast. When it’s time to go home Jared feels sad, but at least they are going home together, back to their apartment.</p>
<p>On the plane, Jensen turns to Jared with a weird expression.</p>
<p>“Jay… there’s something else. If I do get this contract with Sony, I’m gonna have to move to New York so I can be closer and things will be easier.”</p>
<p>Jared stares at Jensen, his mouth going dry. Jensen is moving to New York, he’s gonna move away from Jared. They won’t share an apartment anymore because Jensen will be in New York and Jared will be in Dallas.</p>
<p>Jared forces his lips to smile so he can show his friend support. Of course he is happy for him, he surely is. This is the dream right?</p>
<p>“Well that will be good since I won’t need to pay for a hotel whenever I go to the city right?”</p>
<p>Jensen opens up a relieved smile, as if he was holding a breath waiting for Jared’s verdict. “I’ll make sure you have your own room there, dude.”</p>
<p>Jared pretends to sleep the rest of the flight, he doesn’t want Jensen to notice his heartbreak at the idea of being thousands of miles away from him. It’s for Jensen’s success and Jared is happy for him.</p>
<p>He will be.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>It’s a couple of weeks later when Sony sends Jensen the contract. His friend is over the moon with happiness, and he instantly sends it to his dad so his lawyer can go through it. Not too long after it, the man gives the okay and Jensen contacts Sony so they can set up another meeting. This time the label sends Jensen a plane ticket and books him a nice hotel in New York.</p>
<p>“I wish you could be there with me this time too, Jay.” Jensen pouts as Jared drives him to the airport.</p>
<p>Jared gives him a sympathetic smile. “I know, me too. But two trips to New York in a month would kill my budget dude. Plus, I need to start looking for a new roommate since you’ll be moving out soon and...ya know.”</p>
<p>Jensen stares at his hands, looking sad. “I wish you could move there with me. It won’t be the same without you, Jay.”</p>
<p>Jared swallows hard. “Well, we will always be in touch, you know that. Plus I’m your songwriter, you can’t get rid of me that easily. And once you become famous you won’t even have much time for your ol’ friends.”</p>
<p>Jensen’s head snaps up to look at Jared. “You know that’s not true. No matter what happens, you will always be my best friend. That will never change.”</p>
<p>Jared doesn’t know whether to be happy or sad about that.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Jensen spends three days in New York, telling Jared they’ve signed the contract and now he’s discussing things with his new manager, a guy called Jeff Morgan. Jared spends the time interviewing some people to move in with him, since there’s no way he can afford rent and utility bills on his own once Jensen moves out. But nobody seems good enough, and soon Jared gives up on it for now. Maybe Jensen can help him once he returns. Jared hopes there’s at least some time before Jensen needs to move to New York. Some time for Jared to spend with his friend and maybe get used to the idea of being far away from him.</p>
<p>Jared has never been away from Jensen ever since they met when they were kids, he doesn’t know how. They went to school together, graduated together, and when it was time for college they got in the same one, UT Dallas, and even decided to share an apartment. It’s the first time Jared will be without Jensen and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to cut the umbilical cord.</p>
<p>Jensen arrives back home finally, and after the mandatory hug to celebrate the contract, Jared notices Jensen looks odd. For someone who doesn’t know Jensen, they would never tell something was off, but Jared knows Jensen better than anyone else. He grabs beers from the fridge and they both sit down on the couch, a Cowboys’ game on TV.</p>
<p>“Jen, what is it?” Jared cuts to the chase.</p>
<p>Jensen looks at him with widened eyes. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>Jared purses his lips. “I know you, something is up. Come on, spill.”</p>
<p>Jensen sighs and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, a frown on his face. “I need to talk to you about something.”</p>
<p>Jared mirrors his position, a frown forming on his own face. “What happened?”</p>
<p>Jensen stays quiet for a while, probably going over this in his mind, and Jared waits. Finally, his friend looks up at him, looking apprehensive.</p>
<p>“Jay, I spent a long time with Jeff, my manager, discussing things. He’s very good at what he does, he has worked with an endless number of celebrities and he knows just what to do to promote someone. We talked a lot and he came up with this idea.”</p>
<p>Jared’s frown deepens, wondering what this is all about. “Okaaaaay,” he says slowly. “What is it?”</p>
<p>Jensen bites the inside of his cheek. “Well, Jeff wants to use the whole southern rockstar image thing. But he said I need something to stand out, you know, to make me different from others and create a buzz around me. So he came up with something.” Jensen studies Jared for a moment before continuing. “He wants me to come out as gay to the media.”</p>
<p>Jared almost spits the beer he had been drinking. “What the fuck? But you’re not gay!” Jared knows that fact <em>very</em> well.</p>
<p>“I know I’m not! But he said it would give me publicity you know, if I appeared as an openly gay texan rockstar. You know how the internet is these days, everyone would talk about it and maybe this would help promote me.”</p>
<p>Jared thinks about it for a few moments. He can’t deny that it would indeed generate a buzz around Jensen, people these days love these unexpected things. “I think it might actually work… but aren’t you worried about your image? Everyone thinking you’re gay? You love to hook up with girls and stuff.”</p>
<p>Jensen shrugs. “Nah, I don’t mind. Those close to me know it’s not true. Plus, girls dig these things, it would almost be a conquer to them to go to bed with a gay rockstar.”</p>
<p>Jared chuckles and looks down. “Yeah, I guess. I’m glad you have it all figured out.”</p>
<p>“Well… almost everything.”</p>
<p>Jensen’s tone is weird and Jared looks back up at him. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“There’s one more thing. Actually two things.”</p>
<p>Jared frowns again as he waits.</p>
<p>“Well… Jeff thinks it would be the icing on the cake if I actually had a partner, someone I can show around and make appearances. It would make the whole thing more believable.”</p>
<p>Jared’s eyes widen. “You’re gonna have a fake boyfriend?”</p>
<p>Jensen bites his bottom lip. “Husband actually. He came up with a plan to have a fake ceremony recorded so we can leak and show everyone how happy and committed to each other we are.”</p>
<p>Jared stays in silence for a while, processing everything. Jensen is gonna have a fake husband, someone he will pretend to be in love with. This is almost too much for Jared to take. He already has to watch as Jensen parades with his hook ups, even in their apartment more often than not, now he’s gonna have to watch Jensen pretend to be in love with a guy.</p>
<p>Jared forces his voice to come out steady, unsure if he wants to hear the answer. “So hm… do you guys have any idea who this guy will be?”</p>
<p>Jensen looks at Jared with pursed lips, and Jared can tell he’s really nervous. “Well, actually yeah. That’s the other thing I need to talk to you about.”</p>
<p>Jared frowns. “What is it, Jen?”</p>
<p>Jensen looks down again, suddenly very interested in a hole in his jeans. “I was wondering if you could do it.”</p>
<p>Jensen’s voice is so low Jared isn’t sure he heard it right. “What did you say?”</p>
<p>Jensen finally gathers the courage to look up and face Jared, clearing his throat. “Could you do it, Jay? Pretend to be my husband?”</p>
<p>Jared’s jaw drops, this he was definitely <em>not</em> expecting. “You… you want <em>me</em> to be your fake husband? Like, being your beard or something?”</p>
<p>Jensen only nods, looking hopeful.</p>
<p>“But why?”</p>
<p>Jensen scoots closer to Jared on the couch. “Because you’re my best friend, Jay. Because I trust you more than anyone in my life. Because I could never do this with anyone that isn’t you. Plus, we wouldn’t have to live apart from each other, if you agree to do this you would move to New York with me.”</p>
<p>Jared considers what Jensen just said, everything is too absurd. “But… but I have my life here, my family and there’s college and my job and everything, I just…”</p>
<p>“I know Jay, but you can transfer to a college in New York. Plus, you would have a contract and be paid good money to pretend to be my husband. Not to mention the money you’ll get for the songs you write. It would be a great love story Jay, the singer and the songwriter in love. Almost like a fairytale.”</p>
<p>It’s everything Jared has ever wanted. Except it wouldn’t be real.</p>
<p>“I don’t know Jen… It’s a huge thing. Pretending to be your husband.”</p>
<p>Jensen places a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “I know Jay. But please, think about it. I’ll give you some time to decide. I know it’s a lot to ask from you, but I could never do it with another guy, like I said you’re the person I trust more in the world. I’m only asking for us to pretend to be in love with each other.’</p>
<p>Jared feels as if a knife is piercing its way through his heart. That is something he would <em>not</em> need to pretend at all. He gets up from the couch and away from Jensen’s burning touch.</p>
<p>“I--I’ll think about it. Promise. I’ll just… go. Now.”</p>
<p>Jared hurries to his room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. Jensen wants Jared to pretend to be his husband. Jensen will pretend to the whole world to be in love with Jared. Jared may get everything he always wanted, except it will all be a lie. But it’s Jensen asking, it’s something that could really make him famous for good. This is Jensen’s dream, and Jared would do anything for him.</p>
<p>Goddammit.</p>
<p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Jared, have you gone insane?” Chad asks as they have coffee after class. “You’re gonna pretend you’re Jensen’s husband? What the fuck?”</p><p>Jared shrugs as he stares at his mocha. He knows it’s an stupid idea, monumentally stupid. But…</p><p>“He’s my best friend, Chad. If I can help him achieve his dream, then I’ll do it.”</p><p>Chad purses his lips as he stares at Jared. “Jare, you know you’re gonna end up with a broken heart in all of this, don’t you?”</p><p>Jared swallows hard, looking up to face his friend. “It’s not like that’s gonna be anything new, is it? I’ve been very familiar with this concept for years, as I watch Jensen parade around with every woman that exists, even in our apartment, and I’m always reminded over and over how I’ll never stand a chance. Been there, done that. The only difference is that now I’m gonna have to pretend that I’m in a relationship with Jensen.”</p><p>“Which is everything you’ve always wanted and you’re getting it except for the part it’s all a lie. Yeah I can see how well this will go. Like this won’t go to hell in a handbasket, sure!”</p><p>Jared looks down again and bites his bottom lip. He wishes he could just say <em>no</em> to Jensen, save at least some of his dignity. But it’s stronger than him. Plus, if he doesn’t accept this deal, Jensen is gonna move to New York alone and Jared will be left in Texas, with another roommate and missing Jensen like crazy. The idea of Jensen having another guy pretending to be his fake husband is even worse than doing it himself.</p><p>“Could you at least pretend you support me? I know it’s stupid as fuck, but if I had my friend’s support maybe I wouldn’t feel as horrible doing this.”</p><p>Chad studies Jared for a few moments and sighs, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I support you Jare, you know that. Even if I’m only your second best friend and you prefer Jensen over me. Even though I know this is stupid as fuck I’m behind you no matter what and I will even allow you to come cry on my shoulder when it goes to shit and I won’t say <em>I told you so</em>.”</p><p>Jared chuckles and gives Chad a grateful small smile. “Thanks, man.”</p><p>“Plus, I’ll have a place to stay in New York when I come visit you. And you better buy me all my favorite foods!”</p><p>Jared talks to his parents next, explaining everything and how he’s gonna accept Jensen’s deal. He makes it clear for them that he’s doing this to help his friend, and also because he’s gonna get some good money out of this. His folks are worried about what Jared is going to do with his life, but he assures them it’s only gonna be for a while, so he can help Jensen out with his career. Before leaving, Sherri pulls Jared to the side to ask him if he’s really okay doing this. Jared isn’t sure what she means by that, he has never shared his feelings for Jensen with her so he brushes it off, reassuring her he’s only doing this to help his friend.</p><p>“Okay baby, I hope you know what you’re doing.”</p><p>She kisses Jared’s cheek and he leaves, hoping for the same thing.</p><p>*</p><p>“I’ll do it.”</p><p>Jared stands at the door of Jensen’s room, and his friend looks up at him from the bed where he had been typing on his phone. He immediately throws it on the bed and stands up, giving Jared a hopeful look as he approaches him.</p><p>“Are you serious?”</p><p>Jared nods, offering Jensen a smile. “Yeah, I am. I’ve thought about it and I know it’s gonna help your career a lot, that Jeff dude is right. A gay rockstar from Texas will create a huge buzz on the internet, you’re gonna draw a lot of attention. Plus, I wouldn’t want any other guy doing that with you, they may take advantage of you and we can’t have that, can we?”</p><p>Jared smiles at his friend and Jensen makes a relieved face. “Thank you, Jay. Oh God, thank you so much! I’ve been so worried thinking you would say no, that it’s a crazy idea, because it’s gonna affect your life a lot too. I could never repay you for doing this for me. Anything you need, anything <em>at all</em>, you can ask me. I’ll be forever in your debt.”</p><p>Jensen pulls Jared for a tight hug, and Jared tries to keep his tears at bay. There’s only one thing Jared needs and that Jensen can never give him.</p><p>*</p><p>They move to New York about a month later. Their friends all help with the packing even though they are mostly just taking their personal belongings, the new apartment is already furnished. Sony is taking care of the shipping, so Jared and Jensen are left only with a suitcase each to take with them to New York. Everyone goes to the airport to say goodbye to them, and it’s a crying and hugging feast. Jared feels emotional for leaving his hometown behind, his family and friends. He’s going with Jensen but he has no idea what the future holds.</p><p>When Chad hugs him, his friend whispers in his ear. “Good luck, Jare. If you need anything, just call me.”</p><p>Jared just nods at him, unable to say anything past the lump in his throat.</p><p>Jensen finally approaches Jared and places a hand on the small of his back, smiling up at him. “Ready to go, hubby?”</p><p>Jared swallows past the lump and nods. “Yep. Let’s go.”</p><p>They get first class seats since Sony paid for the plane tickets, and Jared allows himself to be excited. He actually takes a picture of their 1A/1B seat numbers and Jensen laughs.</p><p>“Jay, can we at least pretend we are used to this?”</p><p>Jared lifts an eyebrow at Jensen as he takes his seat and the flight attendant asks if they’ll accept a mimosa - Jared says yes, of course.</p><p>“Well, I don’t know when I’m having this chance again so you’ll excuse me if I want to make the most of it?”</p><p>Jensen reaches out and caresses Jared’s hair, causing his whole body to go on fire. “Well darling, if I become really really famous this will become our new normal. Maybe I’ll have my private jet and everything.”</p><p>Jared honestly hopes Jensen gets there. He deserves the world.</p><p>*</p><p>Upon arriving in Manhattan they are welcomed by a Sony rep who drives them to their new apartment. It’s located in a nice area at the Upper West Side, close to the Natural History Museum. The apartment is on the 25th floor and when the guy opens the door, both boys let out appreciation sounds.</p><p>“Look at this living room Jay, it’s huge! Oh my God, look at that view! That must look incredible at night!”</p><p>Jared follows Jensen to the window and whistles. From up here he can see endless buildings and part of Central Park. Jensen is right, it’s gonna look awesome at night, it already does during sunlight. Jared reaches out and pats Jensen’s back.</p><p>“They’re really betting on you, dude!”</p><p>Jensen smiles at him and they share a moment, both knowing how important this is for Jensen, and the guy who brought them - Jared had completely forgotten he was here - clears his throat. Both of them turn around and the dude hands Jensen the keys, letting him know the fridge is stocked with basics. He finally leaves and Jared and Jensen are left to explore the apartment. There are three bedrooms, two of them are very big and each one is already all prepared for them, and they are located across the hall from one another. Jared spends some time admiring his own room, closet and ensuite bathroom. The rest of his stuff is scheduled to arrive in one or two days, so he’s gonna wait until then to organize everything. It already feels very cozy though, and Jared appreciates it.</p><p>Then he goes across the hall to inspect Jensen’s room, and finds his friend lying on the California King bed. He pats the mattress and smiles at Jared.</p><p>“Come here dude, you’ve <em>gotta</em> try this baby!”</p><p>Jared swallows hard and forces his feet to move, doing as Jensen asked and lying down on the bed next to him. Jensen looks at him and opens a huge smile.</p><p>“Isn’t this amazing, Jay? Can you believe we are in this amazing and huge apartment in fucking Manhattan?? I can’t even begin to wonder how much the rent of a place like this is!”</p><p>Jared scoffs. “Well, with the money we used to make back home we wouldn’t be able to afford even the rent of this bedroom alone!”</p><p>“I know, right? This is really unbelievable!” Jensen reaches out and wraps his fingers around Jared’s pulse, and Jared hopes Jensen can’t feel how it speeds up. “Thank you for being here with me, Jay. This wouldn’t have happened without you, you were the one who made this possible. I owe you everything and couldn’t do this without you here.”</p><p>The air is suddenly heavy around them as Jared stares at Jensen, who stares back at him. They share a moment and Jared can swear his heart has stopped beating and he can’t breathe anymore.</p><p>The moment is broken as Jensen blinks and lets go of Jared’s arm, patting the mattress again. “Can you believe how many chicks I can bring to this bed Jay?? It’s gonna be my private carnival!”</p><p>Jared clears his throat and sits up, throwing his legs to the side of the bed, his back turned to Jensen so he won’t see his expression.</p><p>“Ye--yeah Jen, I bet it’s gonna be great.” Jared tries to compose himself as he gets up, still avoiding looking at Jensen. “I’m gonna go see the kitchen, I bet it’s awesome.”</p><p>Jensen soon joins Jared in the kitchen, and it’s indeed pretty awesome. They find the fridge stocked as the guy said it would be, and there’s a lot of booze. Jensen is excited to see that.</p><p>“Jay, what about we order pizza, drink all of this and celebrate the first day in our new apartment, our new life huh? I think we deserve it!”</p><p>Jared smiles genuinely at him, he embraces every opportunity to spend time with Jensen.</p><p>So they end up sitting in front of the floor to ceiling window, having created a nest with all cushions and pillows they could find, pizza boxes and beers in front of them, and they watch as the sun slowly settles down on the horizon and night falls. They were right, the view from up here is so amazing they don’t even bother watching TV. They just admire it, laugh, talk and eat.</p><p>It’s just perfect and Jared wishes he could stay in this moment with Jensen forever.</p><p>*</p><p>Soon enough it’s the next day and they need to get things moving. Jared and Jensen go to Sony Music and Jared signs his contracts, both as songwriter and as Jensen’s husband. He still can’t believe this is happening, Jared has always dreamed of signing a paper declaring Jensen and him husbands, but not like this. The contract says he’s bound for a year initially, and this period can be extended. Jensen thanks him again for doing this, and both of them have a meeting with Jensen’s manager Jeff, so he can explain to them how things are gonna work.</p><p>“We are gonna start building your image, Jensen. And your relationship with Jared must be believable, people are too smart these days and they know how to call bullshit. It’s a great thing Jared accepted this deal, since you’re friends and already have an intimacy, I can tell you honestly care about each other. So this should be way easier than having to create something with a stranger. Jared, I had told Jensen this already but we are gonna create a fake wedding ceremony so we can leak it on the internet. It’s gonna be something very simple and intimate, something two young college guys would do. We should have it settled in a couple of days and I’ll order tuxedos for you guys. Don’t worry, it’s gonna be very simple.”</p><p>Jeff covers other topics but Jared only half listens. He keeps wondering how it’s gonna feel like having a fake wedding ceremony with Jensen.</p><p>*</p><p>The fake wedding happens a few days later and it’s definitely one of the worst days in Jared’s entire life, hands down. The ceremony is set in the backyard of some fancy house, and Jeff arranged a bunch of people to pose as guests for the background noise. He gives Jared and Jensen their tuxedos, and explains someone will be filming with a cell phone from a guest point of view, he had decided it would be more believable if the “leak” came from a guest. It’s a simple set up but very nice, and the guys are introduced to the man posing as the wedding officiant. He explains to both Jared and Jensen briefly how the ceremony will go. Before starting the thing, Jeff shows them two identical wedding bands.</p><p>“These are your fake wedding rings, guys. Please wear them any time you’re in public.”</p><p>Jared swallows hard as he sees the bands, he had forgotten about this detail. He will have to wear a ring that should be a symbol of his connection to Jensen, except it will all be a lie. As if he needed yet another reminder.</p><p>Jeff decides not to record them walking down the aisle since he doesn’t want to show the fake guests, so he instructs everyone to begin already at the makeshift altar.</p><p>Jared is wearing the tux and he feels very uncomfortable and hot in it, he hopes he doesn’t sweat too much because his body tends to do that, especially when he’s feeling nervous. He turns to face Jensen who, of course, looks like a walking fairytale as usual. He offers Jared a megawatt smile, and Jared tries to smile back past the lump in his throat. They can hear Jeff counting <em>3, 2, 1 and go, </em>and they begin the staging.</p><p>The officiant starts talking as if this was a real ceremony, he talks about commitment and love and all of that, and Jared gets more uncomfortable by the minute, but tries to act as if this is his dream coming true. He stares right into Jensen’s greenest eyes and tries to pretend it’s real. If this is all he will ever get, he will make the most of these crumbs.</p><p>As the man talks, Jared allows himself to pretend. To act as if Jensen was really in love with him, all their loved ones were here to witness their commitment. As if Jared was <em>the one</em> for Jensen, the one he would dream about at night, the last thought in his mind before sleeping and the first one after waking up. As if Jared knew what it feels like to have Jensen. What he tastes like, how he feels against his bare skin.</p><p>At least this one time, since this is all Jared will ever get.</p><p>The officiant asks for them to repeat the vows after him - he’s glad Jeff didn’t make them write their own vows because Jared wouldn’t be able to read them to Jensen without him finding out it’s all true - and Jared just can’t breathe as Jensen promises to love and cherish him forever, in sickness and health until death do them part. Jensen stares deeply at Jared as he repeats the words, and not only Jensen is a great singer but he’s a great actor too, because Jared almost believes it’s true.</p><p>Well, in his imagination, for one single day, it is.</p><p>When it’s time for Jared to say the words, he honestly can’t explain how he manages to keep his voice steady - he should get a fucking <em>medal</em>. Actually, Jared thinks that what makes it easier for him is that for<em> once</em>, he’s not lying. It’s actually liberating.</p><p>For the first time, Jared gets to confess his love to Jensen to his face. For once, Jared doesn’t have to lie. When he promises to love Jensen forever, he means every word.</p><p>In the end Jensen smiles at Jared, and he knows his friend is silently thanking him for being so convincing.</p><p>When it’s time for the rings, Jared has to try really, really hard to keep his tears at bay. A ring from Jensen is what he always wished for.</p><p>Be careful what you wish for, right?</p><p>In the end, the officiant declares them husbands and says they may now kiss. Jared’s heart stops.</p><p>He hadn’t thought about that part at all. What should they do? They just can’t, there’s no way Jensen will…</p><p>Jensen takes a step forward and places an arm around Jared’s waist, bringing him closer. He’s giving Jared a look that says <em>just go with it </em>as he places his other hand behind Jared’s neck. Jared can’t breathe as he prepares for what Jensen will do.</p><p>Jensen pulls his face closer to his and gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. Jared holds his breath and closes his eyes tightly as he feels Jensen’s lips against his own for a fraction of a second.</p><p>Before he knows it, Jensen is backing away and smiling at him. Jared opens his eyes and looks back. There’s a turmoil going inside him but he suddenly remembers where he’s at and what they’re doing. So Jared summons up all his strength and plasters a smile on his face, turning to their cheering guests as Jensen pulls him closer to his own body with the hand still wrapped around his waist.</p><p>Jeff announces they’ve stopped recording and Jensen squeezes Jared against his body one last time before dropping his arm. Jared instantly feels cold.</p><p>“That was great guys! You were incredible, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were actually in love and getting married for real! Awesome job!”</p><p>Jensen turns to Jared and gives him a quick hug. “Thank you, dude.”</p><p>Jared smiles weakly and only nods, hugging Jensen back, unable to say anything. He knows he has felt this way a lot of times in the past but this time the sensation of his heart breaking into pieces inside him feels ten million times worse, because the taste of Jensen still lingers in his lips.</p><p>The fake guests start leaving and Jeff walks up to them. “Jared, thank you again for doing this. I’m gonna ask for one of the drivers to take you back to your apartment, Jensen needs to go to Sony for a couple of meetings. Is that okay?”</p><p>Jared nods, clearing his throat. It’s great actually, he just needs to be alone right now. “Yeah, it’s fine.”</p><p>Jared grabs his things and walks through the house to the street to meet up with the driver. As he reaches the porch, he hears his name.</p><p>“Jay, wait up!”</p><p>Jared takes a deep breath and turns around to face Jensen who stops in front of him, catching his breath.</p><p>“Just wanted to thank you again for this, you really are the best friend I could ever have. I’m well… I’m sorry for the kiss, I know we should have discussed that beforehand but it kinda slipped my mind. I had to act quickly otherwise we would lose everything we had already done. I hope it’s okay with you, that you didn’t feel awkward or anything.”</p><p>Jared purses his lips and forces a smile to his friend, hoping he buys it’s genuine. “Nah, don’t worry about it. We were only pretending for the camera, right?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Yeah, of course! Just a part of our little show, no big deal.”</p><p>Jared swallows hard and forces his smile to stay in place and his insides all turn to dust. “Yeah, it’s fine, then. Like you said, no big deal.” Jared points with his thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll just go. You need to go to Sony and the driver is waiting for me.”</p><p>Jared turns around and pretty much runs to the car. He doesn’t move a single muscle during the whole drive, he just stares at the streets passing by through the window, and keeps the emotions inside.</p><p>Jared’s composure lasts only until he enters the apartment. He throws his backpack in the direction of the living room and gets rid of the tuxedo as fast as he can. Jared wishes he could just <em>burn</em> this fucking tuxedo, burn his lips, burn his heart, his brain, himself. He rushes to his bathroom and turns the shower spray on, not even bothering to wait for it to get warm. He gets underneath it so the water can wash over him, and Jared finally allows himself to break down. He grabs his hair and crouches down, letting out heart wrenching sobs.</p><p>Jared has dreamed his whole life about this moment, about making a life commitment to Jensen. This is everything he ever wanted but it was, as Jensen worded it, <em>no big deal</em>. All an act on Jensen’s part. He has no idea what it meant for Jared, how he would have given anything for it to be real. Jared stares at the gold band on his finger, a solid proof of the lie. It feels as if the ring is burning a hole in his hand. In his heart.</p><p>At least Jensen’s kiss was quick. At least his friend didn’t pour even more salt to the wound by giving Jared a real kiss.</p><p>That would have broken Jared for real. It would have been the final straw. But again, Jensen would never do that anyway.</p><p>Jared prays to be able to have enough strength to get through this nightmare. But he’s good at pretending, he has always been. He knows he will do it.</p><p>By the time Jensen arrives home it’s already evening, and Jared has a simple but nice meal prepared for them, cold beer and a smile on his face.</p><p>“Hey Jay! Oh this smells awesome!”</p><p>“Thought we could eat and watch a movie later.”</p><p>Jensen smiles back. “Sounds great.”</p><p>Jensen takes a shower, they eat in silence and then settle down in the living room to watch a movie. As Jared points the remote to the TV, Jensen stares at his hand.</p><p>“Jay, you don’t need to wear the ring when you’re inside. It’s just for when we are in public, remember?”</p><p>Jared realizes Jensen isn’t wearing his own ring, he must have taken off when he arrived home. Jared shrugs.</p><p>“Yeah, I totally forgot I was wearing it anyway. I think if I keep taking it off I’ll end up forgetting to put it back on or worse, I’ll lose it because you know how clumsy I am.”</p><p>Jensen absentmindedly agrees and focuses on the TV, the subject quickly forgotten.</p><p>Jared keeps the ring on.</p><p>*</p><p>Chad calls the next day and demands to know how the fake marriage went.</p><p>“What do you want me to say, Chad?” Jared asks as he closes his bedroom door and sits on the bed. “A whole dream coming true except for the part where it wasn’t real. I played my part well though. I bet it’s gonna look great on camera.”</p><p>
  <em>“What about Jensen? He didn’t suspect anything?”</em>
</p><p>Jared shakes his head even though his friend can’t see him. “He never did before, he wouldn’t start now. It’s fine.”</p><p>There’s a pause before Chad asks the next question.<em> “Dude, did he kiss you?”</em></p><p>Jared licks his lips, remembering the feeling of Jensen’s against them, and he pinches the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, I mean he had to. It was a quick peck on the lips, nothing beyond that.”</p><p>
  <em>“Shit, Jare. And how are you feeling?”</em>
</p><p>Jared takes a deep breath. He does <em>not</em> want to talk about this now. “Look Chad, I’ve gotta go. Jensen just arrived and I don’t want him to hear us talking about this.”</p><p>From Chad’s tone, Jared knows he can smell his bullshit. <em>“Sure thing, Jare. We’ll talk later. You take care of yourself, okay? Anything you need, you know where to find me.”</em></p><p>“I know. Thank you, man.”</p><p>*</p><p>A few days later, Chris and Steve also move to New York. One of Jensen’s requests for signing the contract was having his two friends as part of his band. Jared thinks it’s nice of Jensen to do this, even though he’s going places he doesn’t forget about those who have always been with him. Unlike Jensen, Chris and Steve don’t get a fancy apartment sponsored by Sony, so they had to rent a small place in Queens. Jared and Jensen volunteer to help with the moving. As they work, Steve asks them how the fake marriage went. Jensen starts telling his friends about it excitedly.</p><p>“It was awesome, I’m very glad Jay agreed to do this, it was much easier with him since we are familiar with each other. I’m positive people will buy that we really love each other, huh Jay?”</p><p>Jensen wiggles his eyebrows at Jared, who looks up from his task of organizing some books. He swallows hard and nods, trying to play cool. ‘What? Yeah, yeah. It was okay. They will believe it for sure.”</p><p>Jensen and Chris seem content with Jared’s answer, but he doesn’t miss the look Steve shoots him. Jared chooses to ignore it and goes back to his task.</p><p>Once they call it a day and declare the house liveable for now, Jensen orders pizza for them while Chris goes buy some beers. They spend some time eating and drinking, just talking nonsense and it feels good. Jared is able to relax a bit until of course the night has to go sideways.</p><p>“What if we hit a bar?” Chris suggests, feeling more than tipsy already. He turns to Jensen. “Dude, we’ve gotta check out the New York nightlife!”</p><p>Jared’s heart sinks, he knows what this means. More often than not, Jensen scores some chick when he goes out with Chris, or Chris and Steve. Sometimes Jared joins them just because he knows Jensen loves when he goes, even though it’s not his thing. He’s that pathetic, he does anything for Jensen, even watching him making out with some faceless girl.</p><p>Jensen looks at Jared and Steve, he seems excited and Jared knows he loves the idea already. “What do you say guys? Blow off some steam after carrying boxes and unpacking all day long?”</p><p>Steve shakes his head. “Nah, raincheck for me tonight, I’m beat. All I want is a nice shower and watch some flix.”</p><p>Chris rolls his eyes and calls his friend an old man, and Jensen turns to Jared with a hopeful expression.</p><p>“What about you, hubby? Come on, let’s go out with us please?”</p><p>Jared hates to disappoint Jensen, but he shakes his head. He’s completely not in the mood, still hurting from that fateful fake wedding day.</p><p>“Nah, I’ll pass too. I’m tired as well and just want my bed.”</p><p>Chris gets up and claps his hand. “Okay, so it’s you and me Jenny! Let’s take this stuff back to the kitchen and go get ready!”</p><p>Chris and Steve go to the kitchen and Jensen approaches Jared, looking concerned. He places a hand on his shoulder and speaks in a lower voice.</p><p>“Jay, are you okay? If you don’t want me to go it’s fine, we can just go home and call it a night. It’s fine, I can go out with the guys some other time.”</p><p>This is what always breaks Jared, how much Jensen <em>cares </em>about him. Jared knows how important he is to Jensen, and if he said the word Jensen really would ditch Chris and go home with him. He wouldn’t even be upset about it, because to Jensen, Jared’s wellbeing always comes first.</p><p>But Jared isn’t that selfish. Even though he wants nothing more than to go home with Jensen, he doesn’t want to keep his friend from blowing off some steam or having fun specially after a day of hard work. So he shakes his head and smiles.</p><p>“Nah, it’s okay. You go, you haven’t been out in a while and I know how much you love it. I don’t mind, I’ll just catch a cab home. I’m really okay, just tired. All I need is a shower and a bed. It was a long day.”</p><p>Jensen squeezes his shoulder, staring right into Jared’s eyes to find any traces of a lie. “Are you sure Jay?”</p><p>Jared nods. “I’m sure. Just go and have fun, I’ll be fine.”</p><p>Jensen messes Jared’s hair. “Alright. But will you message me when you get home so I know you arrived?”</p><p>“Yes mom.”</p><p>Jared chuckles and Jensen slaps his head. Jensen always does stuff like this, he has this protective side towards Jared. And Jared knows he’s not just saying it, Jensen will really be expecting a text from Jared otherwise he will never hear the end of it.</p><p>Jared says his goodbyes to the guys and then Jensen, and goes back to the empty apartment. He fires off a text to Jensen letting him know he’s safe from all the dangers of the outside world, and Jensen answers with a middle finger emoji alone. Jared chuckles and sets his phone on the nightstand.</p><p>He stays awake for a long time watching movies, and it’s totally <em>not </em>because he’s waiting for Jensen to arrive. Oh well, who is he kidding? Jared also worries about him and he can’t sleep very well when Jensen goes out, always wanting to make sure he’s okay.</p><p>It’s a bit past two am that Jared hears the door opening. He sits up straighter on the bed and listens. Maybe, just maybe…</p><p>There are voices, someone is laughing. Jensen is not alone.</p><p>Jared doesn’t know why he was so naive to think he would be. He almost never is. A very, very pathetic part of Jared thought that maybe now that they are pretending to be a couple to the outside world, Jensen would stop bringing girls to their apartment. Jared would stop having to meet them over breakfast and make awkward conversations, having to look at them knowing they just had what Jared craves with all his heart.</p><p>Jared was wrong.</p><p>And somehow, it’s like it hurts a thousand times more now.</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the next few weeks, Jensen goes to Sony almost everyday to record the songs that will be included in his first album, due to be released soon. He brings Jared almost everyday, he claims he wants his friend with him as much as he can, and Jared of course can’t say no. They are also involved in all the preparations for the album, Jensen does some photoshoots, and they often have meetings with Jeff to discuss details. He’s gonna release the wedding video around the same time as Sony releases his first single, because he believes the video is gonna help boost interest and garner attention.</p><p>In the meantime, Jared keeps writing some songs about Jensen, for some reason he’s feeling more creative these days. Maybe it has to do with the fact he’s also more melancholy. Sony has chosen the first single they are gonna release, the one that Jensen will be performing at the TV shows he’s booked for soon, and it is one of the songs that Jared put most of his heart into. Well, he does it in everything he writes, but there are some songs that are just special. And it crushes Jared’s heart to see Jensen performing them.</p><p>During their free time, they spend time sightseeing around New York, or just chilling in the apartment - sometimes Chris and Steve join them. Of course they go enjoy the nightlife more often than not, and Jared has bit the bullet and joined them a handful of times simply because he knows Jensen likes it when he comes with. Jensen always ends up hooking up with someone and a few of times he has brought that someone home, as usual. Jeff has learned about Jensen’s habit and told him he’s gonna need to be very careful once they put him on the spot because he’s supposed to be married - and gay. Jensen promised Jeff he’s gonna figure something out.</p><p>*</p><p>It’s the night before they release the wedding video - Jeff decided that the video will go first, they will go with “New bet from Sony Music is a gay rockstar from Texas, a video from his wedding day was discovered! Click the link to watch it!” - and a week later if everything goes alright, the single will be released.</p><p>Jared and Jensen are having a beer on the couch and watching a movie on TNT. During the commercial break, Jared turns to Jensen.</p><p>“Are you nervous about the video release tomorrow?”</p><p>Jensen shrugs and looks back at him. “Nah, I guess not. Well, I know I’ll probably get some phone calls and messages from people who aren’t in on the secret. But I guess it will be fine. I just hope people accept it and be curious to know more about me.”</p><p>Jared takes a sip of his beer. “What about your dad? You didn’t give too much detail about how he’s taking all of this.”</p><p>Jensen’s dad is, for lack of a better word, a very traditional Texan man. He’s one of those people who believe a man should marry a woman and that’s it, black and white. That’s how he raised Jensen. Jared is very lucky his friend was open-minded enough to accept him when he came out, he was terrified Jensen was gonna feel grossed out and reject him because of the way he was raised. Jensen’s mother is also traditional and religious, though not as much as Alan. They divorced years ago, it was actually because of this fact that Jensen moved to Jared’s street with his mother and siblings. Alan lives about twenty minutes away and he has always been very active in his kids’ lives, but it’s safe to say he’s not crazy about Jared, hasn’t been ever since he learned about Jared’s sexuality. He even tried to prevent Jensen from seeing Jared, but when Jensen threatened not to see Alan ever again he backed down.</p><p>Jared was surprised when Jensen accepted the fake marriage deal, knowing how his dad is. Especially if the fake husband would be Jared. Jensen had just told Jared that he talked to Alan, explained the situation and his father seemed okay with it. Maybe when a lucrative contract with Sony Music is at stake, some perspectives may change.</p><p>Jensen purses his lips and also drinks his beer as he considers the question and what to answer. “Well… you know how he is. He wasn’t happy at first when I told him I would have to pretend I was gay. He was worried about what his friends would say, that kinda stuff. When I told him you would be my fake husband he demanded to know if we had something going on, I told him of course not. It was just something to help my career, to make me stand out somehow. He’s still not crazy about the idea but he understands why we need to do that. I’m pretty sure he won’t be watching the fake wedding video.”</p><p>Jared scoffs, suddenly feeling a bit pissed, and turns away from Jensen to focus on the TV again, but not really seeing it. “Yeah right, God forbid having a gay son, but it’s okay to fake it if it means he gets a nice contract with Sony, right?”</p><p>Jared can feel Jensen’s eyes on him. “Jay come on, it’s not like that. I know he’s not easy but he’s my dad, at the end of the day he wants what’s best for me.”</p><p>Jared looks up at the ceiling and licks his lips, turning to face Jensen again. “Yeah, sadly for him the only dent in your immaculate life is a gay best friend, right? He can’t stand me, he hates what I am, apparently the only thing I’m good for is to act as a pretend husband to help your career and nothing else. I know he always hated the idea of us living together, maybe he’s afraid I’m gonna corrupt his son, right?” Suddenly Jared feels exhausted and about to cry, so he quickly stands up and sets the beer bottle on the coffee table. “I’m calling it a night.”</p><p>Without even looking at Jensen, Jared goes to his room and closes the door. He throws himself on the bed and lies on his side, allowing some tears to fall free. It’s like something has been building up inside him and he just had to lash out somehow.</p><p>It’s about five minutes later when Jared hears a light knock on the door and Jensen peaks in, speaking in a small voice.</p><p>“Can I come in?”</p><p>Jared just murmurs in agreement, and Jensen slips inside. He slowly approaches the bed and sits next to Jared. He tentatively reaches out and places a hand on Jared’s hair, caressing it.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Jay.”</p><p>Jared purses his lips and swallows past the lump in his throat. “‘ts okay.”</p><p>Jensen stays in silence for a few moments, just caressing his hair and Jared allows himself to be soothed. When Jensen speaks again, he surprises Jared.</p><p>“Jay… if you’re not comfortable with this we can call the whole thing off.”</p><p>Jared frowns and turns on his back to face Jensen. “What are you saying? We can’t do that, this whole thing is being built around you being painted as a gay singer, there’s a contract signed for that.”</p><p>Jensen retracts his hand and links his fingers, leaning forward and resting his arms on his thighs. “I don’t care, Jay. If you said the word I’d face Jeff and Sony and end everything. I’ll call him right now and tell him not to release the video if this makes you uncomfortable. I asked you to do this because you’re my best friend, the one person I love the most in the world, and the only one I’d feel comfortable doing this whole thing with. I never stopped to wonder if you might end up feeling uncomfortable with this situation because it’s affecting your life as well as mine. And I’m sorry for this. I mean it Jay, you’re the most important thing and I wouldn’t ever want to ruin what we have because of a contract. I’m happy going back to Dallas to play at the bar again if it means things won’t change for us.”</p><p>Jared feels a strong emotion bubbling up inside him, hearing Jensen’s words. Knowing Jensen would cancel everything even if it meant facing a lawsuit because of Jared, hearing he’s the person Jensen loves most in the world - even if it’s not the way Jared wishes - is very important to Jared. And he knows Jensen enough to know for sure he’s not just saying this, he really means it. Jensen would drop everything if Jared asked him. Jared sits up on the bed and crosses his legs in front of him, scooting closer to Jensen.</p><p>“No, you don’t--you don’t have to do that. I accepted this because you’re my best friend too, and also the person I love the most in the world. I want your success, it’s your dream and you deserve it, you're very talented. I’m sorry I vented on you like that, I guess all of this new situation is catching up to me. But it’s okay, really. I’m doing for you what I know you would do for me. Plus, we got a huge apartment out of this deal already, right? And I’m expecting to fly on your private jet as you promised.”</p><p>Jensen chuckles and Jared gives him a small smile to show it’s really okay. They share a comfortable silence for a few moments until Jensen speaks, first looking down at his hands.</p><p>“You know I’m not ashamed of you, right?” He lifts his head to face Jared, giving him an intense look. “I never was, never will be. I’m not my dad. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re gay or not. I know my dad has his beliefs but I’m not like him. I truly accept you as you are. And never believe you’re only good for pretending to be my husband and help my career out. You’re worth everything.”</p><p>Jared’s smile grows wider and he allows a tear to escape his eye. He reaches out and covers Jensen’s hands with one of his.</p><p>“I know. And I’ll be forever grateful to you for that. I wanted you to be the first to know because you’re my best friend. I was terrified of telling you, way more than telling my folks. Couldn’t sleep for days thinking you would reject me.” Jared stays silent for a moment as he licks his lips, also looking intensely at Jensen. “Thank you for accepting me. It doesn’t matter if your dad hates what I am. Some things will never change. All that matters is this.”</p><p>Jared gestures between them, and Jensen smiles. He unlinks his fingers and wraps his arms around Jared, bringing him for a hug. Jared hugs him back tightly, burying his face in his friend’s neck, and Jensen whispers in his ear.</p><p>“Thank you for being here, Jay. For being you.”</p><p>Jensen tightens his hold on Jared, who does the same. It’s not easy, but it’s moments like this that make everything worth it.</p><p>*</p><p>The wedding video is leaked the following day and thankfully it creates the buzz Jeff was looking for. Jensen was already somewhat known from his YouTube channel, so people were very interested to learn that the Texan guy from those videos is actually gay and has a husband. It was also spread that Jensen now has a contract with Sony Music, and those facts made Jensen very interesting to the public on the internet. Suddenly his videos had a huge increase in views, and Jensen got a lot of new subscribers and Instagram followers. Jared also got a lot of new followers himself because people were also interested in the mysterious husband.</p><p>As predicted, Jensen gets a lot of phone calls from people who didn’t know he was gay let alone dating Jared. They had decided to only tell the truth to those close to them, and let the others believe the whole thing was real so they wouldn’t take any risks. A day after the video is leaked and it has generated enough buzz, Jensen posts a photo on Instagram of Jared and him that Jeff took at the fake wedding day. It’s from the end of the ceremony when Jensen has his arm around Jared’s waist and they are smiling at their guests. In the caption Jensen says that he’s very private with his personal life, but yes it’s true. He’s gay and madly in love with his now husband, Jared Padalecki. They’ve been best friends ever since they were kids, and things progressed naturally for them. Jensen says they had a small ceremony to celebrate their love back in Texas, and he’s a very happy man. He asks for support since he’s just signed a contract with Sony Music and will be releasing his album soon and hopes this doesn’t affect his career since it’s nothing to be ashamed of.</p><p>Once Jensen posts the picture, he turns to Jared with a frown. “I feel dirty. Lying to people like this, about something serious. It’s wrong, isn’t it?”</p><p>Jared shrugs, considering it. “Well, yeah a bit. But that’s show business right? Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do.” Jensen nods and Jared goes to the fridge to take beers for them, handing one to Jensen. “Aren’t you worried tho? About the future?”</p><p>Jensen frowns. “What about it?”</p><p>“Well, this whole pretending thing has to end someday right? For me it will be easier since one, I’m not the famous one and two, we can just say we split up and I found someone else. But what will happen when you… well I mean, when you fall in love with a girl and want something serious with her? Like get--get married for real or something? You can’t hide a whole relationship forever, what will happen when your fans learn you have been lying all this time?”</p><p>Jensen stays silent for a while, drinking his beer and considering what Jared has said. “I dunno. To be honest I hadn’t even considered that. I… I never imagined myself finding a girl to have an actual relationship with. I don’t know, I guess…” Jensen picks at the label with a deeper frown on his face. “I just don’t know. I think I’ll live the moment, ya know? I’ll worry about it if--when the time comes. It’s not the time to worry about it now.”</p><p>Jared nods, wondering what Jensen meant to say, but he doesn’t push. “Yeah, I get it. Sorry I brought it up.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Jensen reaches to his phone and opens Instagram, his eyes going wide. “Holy shit Jay, our pic has like thousands and thousands of likes and comments already. You’re probably getting a lot of followers yourself.”</p><p>Jared grabs his own phone and true enough, his followers number has increased significantly. He has an idea to make the whole thing more real, and opens his camera to make a story of Jensen.</p><p>“Say hi to the camera, Jen!”</p><p>Jensen lifts an eyebrow at him. “What the hell are you doing?”</p><p>“Well, apparently you’re famous now, people are gonna want to see what you look like in your daily life. See guys? He’s so <em>not </em>all that!”</p><p>Jensen scoffs and rolls his eyes. “You’re the worst.”</p><p>Jared flips the camera to face himself instead, and makes a face. “See guys? He’s just a grumpy old man, don’t waste your time!”</p><p>Jared stops recording and checks the video again to see if Jensen’s ringless finger is showing, and when he makes sure it’s not, he tags him and posts it. Jensen is still looking at him with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “It has to be believable, doesn’t it? We are a couple, it’s just natural that we share our private life sometimes. I tagged you in it, you should wait a while and add to your own story, make a sarcastic comment and insert a heart or something.”</p><p>Jensen nods slowly. “You’re right. Good thinking actually.”</p><p>Jared smiles and points to his hand. “By the way, if we are doing these random things you probably should wear your band when you’re home. I made sure your hand wasn’t showing in this video but if we make that slip people will surely notice.”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widen. “Oh whoa. Jeff will be very proud! And so am I, you’re way smarter than I am!”</p><p>Jared brushes it off but secretly lights up inside with a warm satisfaction.</p><p>*</p><p>About a week later, Jensen is scheduled to perform on his first TV show and also give an interview. He’s a nervous mess, and Jared tries to calm him down.</p><p>“Jen, you’re gonna be fine. You’re a natural, people will love you.”</p><p>“What if they don’t? What if they see right through me? What if I can’t sing well? What if…”</p><p>“Jensen, stop!” Jared squeezes his arm. “Nothing is gonna go wrong. Take deep breaths with me, come on.” Jared shows him and Jensen follows, staring at Jared and trying to mimic him, eventually it works.</p><p>“See? Now let’s get going, the van is already waiting for us.”</p><p>Jensen gives Jared a small smile. “I’m glad you’re gonna be there, I wouldn’t be able to do this by myself.”</p><p>Jared smiles back. “Of course I’ll be there, silly. I’m your husband aren’t I? I’m supposed to be there with you.”</p><p>Jensen nods and they finally leave the apartment. When they get inside the van, Chris and Steve are already there and they chat all the way to the network studios.</p><p>Upon arriving, they are taken to the dressing room to freshen up and wait until it’s time for the show to start. Jensen changes into the outfit Jeff chose for him, and then is taken to make up. Jensen isn’t a fan of it but he has learned it’s a part of the job. Just before the show begins Jared says his goodbyes, wishing Jensen and the guys good luck, and goes to the audience to take his place. He has a seat right in the middle of the front row, and he feels exposed himself. Some people even recognize him already but he keeps his gaze down, focused on his phone, until the show starts.</p><p>When it finally does, everyone starts clapping and the host shows up, greeting the audience and introducing his first guest. It’s not time for Jensen yet, he will be the last one. So Jared patiently sits through the first and second interviews. At last it’s time for Jensen and Jared is so nervous, wishing for everything to go alright.</p><p>“And now we are bringing to the stage a rock singer from Texas who is releasing his first single! Let’s learn more about him, please give it up for Jensen Ackles!”</p><p>Everyone claps and Jared is the loudest. Jensen timidly enters and smiles at the audience. He immediately searches the audience and locates Jared, looking instantly more comfortable. He greets the host and sits on the couch. He’s asked some questions, where he’s from, when did he know he loved music, when did he start to sing and play, the YouTube videos, stuff like that, and Jensen answers them all with grace.</p><p>“Well Jensen,” the host starts. “Now let’s get into your personal life a bit. A video went around the internet last week about your wedding, is that right?”</p><p>Jensen blushes gracefully and nods. “Yeah that’s right.” The audience cheers.</p><p>“Well, I won’t ask who the lucky lady is since it’s not a lady, is it?”</p><p>Jensen shakes his head. “No, it’s not. I married my best friend from childhood, Jared. He’s here tonight to support me.” Jensen gestures to Jared, and the camera focuses on him. Jared blushes too, and offers a timid wave and smile. Everyone cheers again.</p><p>“Well, aren’t you a lovely couple?” A picture of Jared and Jensen is shown on the large screen behind them. “I bet you’re very proud of him, aren’t you Jared?”</p><p>Jared nods and answers sincerely as he’s offered a mic. “Couldn’t be more proud.”</p><p>Jensen clears his throat. “Jared is the reason why I’m here, actually. He has always been my biggest supporter. He is the one who writes the songs I sing, he came up with the idea for the YouTube videos, in fact. He’s very smart. He recorded, edited and uploaded them, he created the channel. He knew I was gonna make it even before I knew it myself. He came to New York with me when Sony first called me to offer his support and didn’t hesitate leaving his life in Dallas behind to move here with me.”</p><p>The host smiles at him. “Well, he should do it since you’re married right? And I can see the heart eyes when you speak about him, you two make a great couple alright!” He then turns to Jared. “So Jared, Jensen just said you write the songs for him.”</p><p>Jared nods. “Yep, that’s correct.”</p><p>“And where do you take so much inspiration to write all of those songs from?”</p><p>Jared’s heart stops and he tries not to show his panic. He grips the mic harder and swallows hard, hoping he acts convincingly. He shrugs and opens up a small smile, deciding to actually offer the truth.</p><p>“I don’t know, well… I mean, it’s hard not to be inspired when you have someone like Jensen by your side, huh?”</p><p>There’s a collective<em> awwwwww</em> sound from the audience, but when Jared’s gaze lands on Jensen, he notices his friend has an odd expression on his face. It’s gone in an instant, and Jensen smiles and plays along.</p><p>“I know right? I can be a source of great inspiration, no doubt!”</p><p>The audience laughs and Jared uses the distraction to calm himself down. Finally, the host asks Jensen to perform his single to them. Jensen announces that it will be released on all platforms on the following day. Jensen walks to the small stage where Chris and Steve are already at.</p><p>Jared purses his lips and prepares himself as Jensen starts singing the song he wrote. As usual, Jensen transforms when he’s on stage, he suddenly owns it and everything around it. He’s amazing and that’s how Jared knows he’s gonna be big. There’s no way he won’t.</p><p>Jared wonders what Jensen thinks about when he sings the lyrics Jared writes.</p><p>
  <em>Look into my eyes</em><br/>
<em>You will see</em><br/>
<em>What you mean to me</em><br/>
<em>Search your heart</em><br/>
<em>Search your soul</em><br/>
<em>And when you find me there</em><br/>
<em>You'll search no more</em>
</p><p>
<em>Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for</em><br/>
<em>You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for</em><br/>
<em>You know it's true</em><br/>
<em>Everything I do</em><br/>
<em>I do it for you</em>
</p><p>
<em>Look into your heart</em><br/>
<em>You will find</em><br/>
<em>There's nothin' there to hide</em><br/>
<em>Take me as I am</em><br/>
<em>Take my life</em><br/>
<em>I would give it all</em><br/>
<em>I would sacrifice</em>
</p><p>
<em>Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for</em><br/>
<em>I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more</em><br/>
<em>You know it's true</em><br/>
<em>Everything I do</em><br/>
<em>I do it for you</em>
</p><p>
<em>There's no love</em><br/>
<em>Like your love</em><br/>
<em>And no other</em><br/>
<em>Could give more love</em><br/>
<em>There's nowhere</em><br/>
<em>Unless you're there</em><br/>
<em>All the time</em><br/>
<em>All the way, yeah</em>
</p><p>
<em>Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for</em><br/>
<em>I can't help it there's nothin' I want more</em><br/>
<em>I would fight for you</em><br/>
<em>I'd lie for you</em><br/>
<em>Walk the wire for you</em><br/>
<em>Yeah, I'd die for you</em>
</p><p>
<em>You know it's true</em><br/>
<em>Everything I do</em><br/>
<em>Oh, I do it for you.</em>
</p><p>Jensen finishes the song and everyone gives him a standing ovation. Jared claps and shouts higher than everyone else, and Jensen’s eyes find his. Jared can see Jensen has tears in his eyes, and he knows he does too. This is a monumental moment, Jensen is live on national television singing his song. The song Jared wrote for him. It’s amazing.</p><p>The show ends and Jensen is taken backstage along with the guys. Jared leaves the audience and goes back to the dressing room which is still empty. It takes only a couple of minutes for them to burst inside and Jensen goes straight to Jared, pulling him to a tight hug. They cling to each other for a few moments in silence, no words needed, both knowing how amazing this was. When they finally break apart, Jared gives Jensen a megawatt smile.</p><p>“Jen, that was amazing! People were all crazy about you! You’re gonna be a big hit, I can tell!”</p><p>“Thanks for being here Jay. Seeing you there calmed my nerves a lot. Thank you.”</p><p>*</p><p>Leaving the studios, they decide to go out for drinks to celebrate. Jared is wary, he doesn’t want for this perfect day to be ruined but Jensen almost begs for him to go and Jared acquiesces. They choose a nice bar, and when they enter a few heads turn, already recognizing Jensen. He reaches for Jared’s hand and links their figers together, waving to the people who greet him and making sure it’s registered to everyone he’s with Jared.</p><p>Jared’s hand tingles and he tries really hard not to sweat.</p><p>They choose a secluded booth, Jensen sits next to Jared and across from Chris and Steve. They have some drinks and talk excitedly about the TV show, how great it was and debating how the next ones will go, wondering if the single will have a lot of downloads.</p><p>Surprisingly enough, tonight Jensen doesn’t go after any girls. He’s content just chatting and drinking, and when it’s time to call it a night he goes back home only with Jared. He counts that as a small victory.</p><p>Arriving home, Jared goes to take a shower. He feels exhausted from the events of the day and he’s ready to drop dead on his bed. Once he’s changed into his boxers, he goes to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water and startles when he finds Jensen on the couch, staring at the TV.</p><p>“Oh hey Jen, thought you were in your room already. Just came for some water.”</p><p>Jensen looks at Jared and assesses him up and down. Jared feels very self conscious all of the sudden, realizing he’s only wearing boxers.</p><p>“Today was great, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Jared knows Jensen is more than a little tipsy, having had way more drinks than Jared himself, so he nods and smiles, going to get his water. “Yeah it was. You were awesome. Now you should probably shower too and go to bed, sleep those drinks off. Night Jen.”</p><p>Jared starts walking to his bedroom when Jensen calls him with a low voice.</p><p>“Jay?”</p><p>Jared steps back with a frown on his face. “Yeah?”</p><p>“I never wondered until today.”</p><p>Jared’s frown deepens. “Wondered what?”</p><p>“Where <em>do</em> you get inspiration for the songs.”</p><p>Jared takes a sharp breath.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Jensen shrugs with one shoulder. “Yeah, I mean… you write such beautiful love songs. When the host asked, it got me thinking. It never occured to me to ask you what your true inspiration is?”</p><p>Jared is silent for a few moments as he considers the question. He turns his back to Jensen before answering with a wounded tone.</p><p>“A love story I’ll never have.”</p><p>Hopefully Jensen will be too out of it to figure out what Jared truly means.</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFD2gu007dc">Here's the song for this chapter.</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jensen’s single is released and surprisingly - or not, really - it becomes an instant hit, earning thousands and thousands of downloads. Jensen is over the moon with the fact that his song is becoming popular, and Jared feels proud too.</p><p>Sony decides to do a video clip to put on YouTube, so Jensen and his band spend a couple of days shooting it on some different locations - Jensen always making sure Jared is there with them. A few days later the video is released and it reaches a shitton of views in no time. Jeff was right, painting Jensen as a gay rockstar from Texas worked extremely well. And of course, Jensen is talented, charming and easy on the eyes, so it wasn’t hard to turn him into a hit.</p><p>Jensen is already recognized on the streets, people stopping him over and over every time he goes out. People are also interested in Jared somehow, he is always gaining new followers on Instagram. He often posts stories and pictures of Jensen and him - old and new - and of course the media loves it, since Jared gifts them with new material all the time.</p><p>Jensen appears on a number of TV shows to perform his single and give interviews. Jared is always there with him as well. Jensen always puts on a show whenever Jared and he are out in public. He holds Jared’s hand, places an arm around his waist and even kisses his cheek. Jared feels the ghosts of those kisses for a long time.</p><p>Sony releases the rest of Jensen’s album on all platforms, and again the downloads reach high numbers. <em>Everything I do</em> stays among the Top 10 downloaded songs for weeks, and it’s constantly playing on the radio.</p><p>Jensen almost faints when Jeff tells him he’s gonna be opening up for Imagine Dragons at Madison Square Gardens. Jared is by his side when the agent tells him, and he can see Jensen getting paler and paler.</p><p>“W--what? I’m gonna be playing for thousands of people before the fucking Imagine Dragons? Are you insane Jeff?”</p><p>Jeff shakes his head, completely unimpressed. “Of course not. It’s gonna be your first big gig, Sony wants to see how well you’re gonna do. You’re already getting recognition and people will want to see you. It’s a sold-out gig and you’re gonna be announced soon as the opening act. Come on, it’s an amazing opportunity!”</p><p>Jensen quietly agrees but Jared knows he’s completely freaking out on the inside. Once they’re done with Jeff, a driver takes them home, and as they enter the apartment Jensen still hasn’t said a word. Jared places a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Jen are you okay? You haven’t said anything.”</p><p>Jensen blinks a few times as he stares at Jared. “Jay, how am I supposed to play for that many people at Madison Square? And before a fucking Imagine Dragons gig? Is Sony insane, I can’t do that!”</p><p>“Of course you can, Jensen! What are you talking about? You’ve played at the bar back home a thousand times and people have always loved you!”</p><p>“Well yeah, it was a fucking bar in Dallas not fucking Madison Square Gardens for like fifty thousand people!” Jensen’s voice is pitched and Jared knows he’s really freaking out. “What if I fail, Jay? What if I can’t do it and they all hate me?”</p><p>Jared pulls Jensen to the couch and they both sit down. “Jen, nobody is gonna hate you. Everyone is downloading your songs, your video clip has a shitload of views already, you get thousands of comments on Instagram. You’re a true rockstar when you’re on stage, you completely own it. You own the stage at the bar back home and you’re gonna own the stage at Madison Square. Everyone wants to see you live, they are gonna go crazy when you’re announced to open up for Imagine Dragons. I’ll be by the side of the stage if you want, if it makes you more comfortable.”</p><p>Jensen scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Of<em> course</em> you’re gonna be there! Duh!” Jared smiles and Jensen smiles back, before turning serious again. “You really think I have what it takes for a gig this huge?”</p><p>Jared nods. “Of course you do. You have something unique, you’re gonna be a hit. Soon you’re gonna be even bigger and will be the main gig with someone else opening up for <em>you</em>.”</p><p>Jensen gives Jared a hopeful look. “You think that’s gonna happen?”</p><p>Jared is the one who scoffs now. “Well, duh? Are you kidding, you know people already love you. It’s just a matter of time. Let them get to know you.”</p><p>Jensen offers Jared a small smile. “Yeah, okay I guess. I think I can do it.”</p><p>“I have no doubt you can.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jensen is a pile of nerves until the day of the concert. Jared does what he can to calm his friend down, but most of the time it’s useless. Jared gets it though, it will be his first time performing to a huge audience, all those people who will be there to see Imagine Dragons. It’s no small deal.</p><p>When Jensen announces on his Instagram that he will be opening up the gig, people go crazy. Everyone supports him, those going to the concert say it’s gonna be great to see him as well, and those who aren’t going mourn for missing his first live appearance. It puts even more pressure on Jensen since he doesn’t want to disappoint his fans.</p><p>On the night before the concert, Jared stays up late reading in his bedroom, and before going to bed he decides to go get water because for some reason he keeps forgetting to bring it with him to the bedroom - plus he wants cold water. When he walks by the living room he spots Jensen on the couch watching a movie, and he frowns.</p><p>“Jen, what are you doing up? You should be getting some rest for tomorrow!”</p><p>Jensen shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep, kept tossing and turning. Figured I should just come watch some TV.”</p><p>Jared raises an eyebrow. “Want company?”</p><p>Jensen frowns. “Weren’t you going to bed?”</p><p>Jared offers his friend a small smile. “I’ll be right back.” He goes to his bedroom to get a blanket and returns to the living room, sitting next to Jensen and covering them both.</p><p>“I don’t mind.”</p><p>The grateful smile Jensen gives him is worth the night they spend awake.</p><p>They eventually end up getting some sleep on the couch, it’s a big ass thing that fits both of them comfortably. Jared wakes up first and prepares breakfast to them, all Jensen’s favorites. He doesn’t eat much since he claims his stomach is rebelling.</p><p>“So…” Jared starts as they are clearing the table. “What time are your folks arriving?”</p><p>“Late afternoon. They couldn’t get an earlier flight. They will go straight to the hotel and from there to the venue. I’ll probably only see them after the thing.”</p><p>Jared has been nervous ever since Jensen told him his parents would be flying to New York to see the concert. He doesn’t want to see Alan, but that’s probably gonna be inevitable at some point. Jared hopes it goes well since he doesn’t want to ruin Jensen’s night.</p><p>*</p><p>When it’s finally time to go to Madison Square, the van picks them up - the rest of the band is already there. There’s little chat during the ride since Jensen is nervous, and Jared stays by his side offering silent support.</p><p>When they arrive, there are a few people in front of the venue, and Jensen takes his time giving attention to those who want to talk to him and Jared thinks that’s nice of him. Even though he’s nervous, he doesn’t neglect his fans, and Jared is proud to see that.</p><p>The band does the soundcheck and everything goes fine, Jensen is great and he gains a little more confidence after that. They spend time in the dressing room, eating everything that has been provided for them and talking. Eventually Jensen’s parents arrive, brought by someone from the crew. After hugging Jensen, they take a look around the room and when Alan locates Jared, he doesn’t hide his disdain.</p><p>Jared stands up and heads to the door, but Jensen stops him. “Jay, where are you going?”</p><p>Jared shakes his head and whispers. “Dunno. I think it’s best if I go somewhere else. Don’t want to cause trouble.”</p><p>Jensen grabs his bicep and gives him a pointed look. “Stay, please. The room is big enough to all of us. I don’t want you out there wandering around until the gig starts. Please Jay, stay here.”</p><p>Jared does as Jensen asked, he sits as far away from Jensen’s parents as possible and concentrates on his phone to have something to do.</p><p>When it’s finally time to go, everyone exits the dressing room, a crew member takes Alan and Donna to the opposite side of the stage Jared will be at, and it’s only Jared and Jensen left. When Jared looks at Jensen, he notices two things. One, he looks absolutely gorgeous in the outfit chosen for him. And two, he’s about to have a panic attack.</p><p>Jared grabs both of his arms and looks pointedly at him. “Jen, look at me. It’s gonna be fine, you were born to do this. Just pretend you’re back in Dallas at the bar playing for the usual crowd. You got this, they are gonna love you. Take deep breaths with me, come on. Like this.”</p><p>Jensen focuses on Jared as he demonstrates it to him, and then tries to do the same. Jared waits until Jensen’s breath has returned to normal. “Better?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Thank you Jay. For everything.” He brings Jared to a tight hug, and when they break apart, Jensen smiles at him. “Stay in my line of sight, alright?”</p><p>Jared nods. “You bet.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jared watches proudly as Jensen takes the stage. As the crowd goes nuts his confidence rises, Jared can see it in his eyes. Jensen takes the mic and Jared knows he’s gonna nail this.</p><p>“Good evening New York City! My name is Jensen Ackles and it’s a pleasure to play for you guys tonight! Soon we are gonna welcome Imagine Dragons to the stage, but before that, I want to sing a few songs to you guys. Are you ready??”</p><p>The crowd cheers loudly, and Jensen smiles wide as he looks at it. The band starts playing the first song, it’s one of the last ones Jared wrote in time to be included in the album.</p><p>
  <em>Here I am</em><br/>
<em>In a place that I have never been</em><br/>
<em>Out of love</em><br/>
<em>And afraid that you won't let me in (no)</em><br/>
<em>You can't tell me and I started to feel</em><br/>
<em>That my senses have left me to die</em><br/>
<em>Where is my strength when I need it the most</em><br/>
<em>Tell me what have you done with my mind</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh save me now</em><br/>
<em>From the depth of my infatuation</em><br/>
<em>I could drown in this sea of love and isolation</em><br/>
<em>I'll take you down</em><br/>
<em>If you just save me now</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All the time that I gave away</em><br/>
<em>I gave to you (oh)</em><br/>
<em>And all the love that I never made</em><br/>
<em>I'll make to you (yeah)</em><br/>
<em>Nothing will be more electric to me</em><br/>
<em>Then to give you a taste of the love that I hide</em><br/>
<em>In my condition I'm totally lost</em><br/>
<em>Tell me what have you done with my pride</em>
</p><p>*</p><p>Jensen finishes his number followed by thunderous applause, and Jared is so proud he has tears in his eyes. Jensen’s gaze has searched him out countless times during the song, probably for some reassurance, and Jared tried to show him that he was doing awesome. Jensen says his goodbyes and walks off the stage right into Jared’s arms.</p><p>“You were amazing Jen! You could be the main attraction of the night you are so amazing! I’m so proud of you!”</p><p>Jensen looks at Jared as they break apart, giving him a meaningful look. “Thank you for believing in me.”</p><p>They are interrupted by the band, everyone starts celebrating the success of the gig and they head to the dressing room. Jensen’s parents are there and Jared makes himself scarce as they have their moment. Once everyone has calmed down, Jensen checks with his parents if they want to stay and see Imagine Dragons - they are all staying - but his parents refuse, claiming to be tired. They promise to meet up tomorrow, and say their goodbye.</p><p>Once they are gone, Jared, Jensen and the rest of the band go take their - very good - seats for the main gig and Jared allows himself to be excited to see the Imagine Dragons.</p><p>*</p><p>They have a great time at the concert, it’s really amazing and Jared is thankful for the opportunity to watch something like that for free. Afterwards they are invited to the band’s after party. Jared is tired but even he won’t deny himself an opportunity like that. They all spend some time together and eventually Jeff takes Jensen away to talk to a few people, so Jared just hangs out with Chris and Steve. Jensen takes a while to come back, and when he does he looks a bit pissed.</p><p>“What’s up with you?” Jared asks, nudging his shoulder and Jensen scoffs.</p><p>“Well, I can’t score anymore apparently because everyone thinks I’m gay and married. I tried talking to a couple of chicks and they congratulated me, saying we make such a cute couple.”</p><p>Jared laughs. “Aww Jen, you’re pissed because you won’t be able to hook up with random girls anymore? That’s the price of being famous and pretending to be in a gay relationship.”</p><p>Jensen rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. Okay let’s drink then, since it’s all I have left to do.”</p><p>Jared spends the rest of the party wondering what Jensen will come up with to solve this “problem”.</p><p>*</p><p>The next morning, Jared wakes up before Jensen and cooks a greasy breakfast for them so they can cure the hangover. By the time Jensen arrives at the kitchen, Jared notices he has already showered and looks kind of weird.</p><p>“Morning, Jen. What’s up with you?”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widen as he helps himself to some eggs and bacon, sitting at the counter. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Jared cocks his head to the side. “You have that look that you want to say something but don’t know how.”</p><p>Jensen purses his lips. “I hate how well you know me.”</p><p>“Yeah, I do. So, spill.”</p><p>Jensen eats some of his food before speaking. “My mom and dad want to come over today. Said they want to visit the apartment and bring lunch so we can spend some time together.”</p><p>Jared feels his heart sinking. He busies himself with bringing his plate to the sink and when he speaks, it’s just one word and with his back turned so Jensen won’t see his face.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Sorry Jay, I tried to convince them to go out, do some sightseeing and eat somewhere but they just insisted on coming over.”</p><p>Jared slowly washes the dishes so he has an excuse to stay turned away from Jensen. “No, it’s okay. Really. I should go get some air anyway, I’ll go eat somewhere and for a walk around the city.”</p><p>“Jay, you don’t have to leave. It’s your apartment too. I’d never ask you to do that.”</p><p>Jared finally turns around to face Jensen. “I know you wouldn’t, Jensen. But I would never put you in that position, it would get awkward as hell with your father and myself here, I don’t want you worrying about it. I get it, they want to come see your place. I don’t mind going out, really. I could use some time by myself.”</p><p>And Jared isn’t lying about that, a few hours to himself will probably do him good. Jensen gives him a conflicted look.</p><p>“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be upset, you know that.”</p><p>Jared offers him a smile to prove it’s fine. “I won’t. Now I’ll go take a shower so I can be on my way.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jared spends a few hours just walking around, he really enjoys Manhattan so he doesn’t mind. He feels sad that he just can’t stay in his house to welcome Jensen’s parents, that he has to leave because Alan despises him for something he has no control over. And he knows Jensen suffers because of it, being stuck in the middle. But it is what it is, and Jared will try to enjoy his Sunday out.</p><p>He stops for lunch at a fast-food place close to Times Square, and as he starts eating his burger he hears his name called.</p><p>“Jared?”</p><p>Jared looks up and looks at a familiar face, it takes only a couple of seconds to put a name to it. “Hey, Justin. How are you?”</p><p>The man shrugs. “Fine, just decided to spend a Sunday out since I had nothing better to do. Do you mind if I join you? All other tables are occupied.”</p><p>Jared smiles at him. “No, not at all. Sit down.”</p><p>They enjoy their meals in silence. Justin Hartley works at Sony, Jared has only exchanged a few words with him but he seems like a cool guy. He’s in on the whole “fake gay relationship” plan going on between Jensen and Jared, knows Jared was hired to be Jensen’s pretend husband.</p><p>Eventually Justin speaks. “So… What are you doing here by yourself today? I thought you and Jensen would be exhausted from the gig and after party from last night.”</p><p>Jared thinks for a while before answering, his first instinct is to brush it off and come up with something trivial, but the truth is, he could really use the opportunity to talk to someone. He doesn’t have any friends in town, and sometimes he feels lonely as fuck. Justin seems friendly, he knows the truth (or part of it) so Jared takes a chance.</p><p>“Well… Jensen’s parents are in town, they came for the gig, and they were coming over to the apartment to visit it and to have lunch with Jensen.”</p><p>Justin frowns as he studies Jared. “When you say ‘lunch with Jensen’, you mean… that you weren’t included?”</p><p>Jared shrugs, deciding to go for it since he has already started. “Not officially, but between the lines, yeah. It’s just that Jensen’s father isn’t very fond of… the kind of person I am.”</p><p>Justin considers what Jared said for a while and his eyebrows shoot up. “You mean… you’re really gay? Not just pretending for Jensen’s sake?” Jared only nods and Justin goes on. “Whoa, that sucks a lot. Not that you’re gay, I mean… I am too. And my gaydar sucks apparently. It just sucks that you have to leave because his father doesn’t approve of it.”</p><p>Jared sighs. “Yeah, it has always been a problem, I’m Jensen’s best friend and his father hates me for what I am. I know it’s hard for Jensen and he was very uncomfortable with the situation. He didn’t want to ask me to leave, he would never do that. But if I stayed things would become awkward and I didn’t want to put Jensen through that. So I thought it was better if I left the apartment and spent the day out.”</p><p>Justin nods slowly. “That was nice of you. It sucks that we still have to go through shit like that these days, doesn’t it?” Jared nods in agreement. “But is his father okay with Jensen pretending to be in a gay relationship to the world?”</p><p>Jared scoffs. “Well, I guess when your son gets a nice contract with Sony Music, you may be willing to overlook some stuff.”</p><p>Justin rolls his eyes. “Ah, the hypocrisy.”</p><p>They finish their meals as the conversation drifts to lighter topics, Justin asking how the gig was yesterday and stuff.</p><p>“So Jared…” Justin starts as both throw their wrappers in the trash can. “What are you planning on doing now? I was going to resume wandering around, perhaps we could keep each other company?”</p><p>Jared agrees, learning he actually would like to hang out with Justin, he seems like a very nice guy and Jared could use a friend.</p><p>Jared goes back to the apartment in the late afternoon after spending time with Justin. It was nice, they actually have a lot in common, it felt easy talking to him. Jared wonders if he could actually take an interest in Justin so he could maybe get past his feelings for Jensen. He doesn’t want to rush anything though, Jared doesn’t even know if Justin would be interested in him like that anyway. It’s good to have a friend for now.</p><p>Jared finds Jensen in the living room watching TV, and his friend smiles at him. “Hey Jay! Glad you’re back. How was your day?”</p><p>Jared takes off his shoes and joins Jensen on the couch. “It was good. Just went for a walk around the city.” He leaves Justin out, for some reason he doesn’t want to share his new friend with Jensen just yet. “What about you? Had a good time with your folks?”</p><p>Jensen shrugs. “Yeah, they left about an hour ago to go to the airport. It was nice. Mom left you a kiss.”</p><p>Jared smiles sadly. “That’s nice of her. I bet your father was relieved I wasn’t here, huh?”</p><p>Jensen purses his lips. “Jay…”</p><p>Jared waves him off with a hand. “No, it’s okay, really. Sorry I brought it up. It’s fine. I’m used to it.”</p><p>Jensen’s expression turns sad. “Well, you shouldn’t be.”</p><p>“Yeah well, that’s just how the world works, isn’t it? Some things aren’t how you wish they were.”</p><p>With that, Jared leaves to his room, missing Jensen’s eyes on him the whole time.</p><p>*</p><p>Jensen’s fame only grows, and soon his songs are playing everywhere. He’s constantly appearing on TV shows, on magazine covers, and his face is plastered all over the place. Sony has already scheduled his first solo gig in New York and tickets are selling pretty fast. Jared still can’t believe this is actually happening, that Jensen is getting the recognition he deserves. Jared himself keeps getting stopped by fans everywhere he goes, people always wishing to talk to him since he’s <em>married to Jensen Ackles</em>. Jared even had to get used to taking pictures with random people even if he’s not famous, he doesn’t understand that.</p><p>The downside of this fame - to Jensen at least - is that he can’t score chicks at parties anymore like he used to do. He’s selling the “gay and married” image and he must stick to it, which leaves him not so pleased even though he knows it’s the price to pay.</p><p>But much to Jared’s dismay, Jensen finds a way around it. They start throwing small parties either at their apartment or at Chris and Steve’s place, since it’s easier to party like this than to go to clubs because Jensen just can’t just go out without attracting a crowd around him anymore. Chris and Steve know a lot of people, even in New York, so the parties are mostly attended by acquaintances. So Jensen gets to hook up with some girls from time to time, all of them usually friends with either Chris or Steve or someone else they know. Jensen always asks the girls not to say anything and even if they did by any chance, there aren’t any images to prove since cameras aren’t allowed at the parties for Jensen’s privacy.</p><p>Jared is currently at one of those parties in their apartment, and he just cannot wait for it to end. It’s a bunch of people he doesn’t know, most of them as usual friends with Chris and/or Steve. There are a few people from Sony including Justin which is the only friendly face among all those people. Jared has grown closer to Justin lately, he’s a nice person to have around. Pretty much Jared’s only friend in the city apart from Jensen.</p><p>Jensen is in a corner talking to a girl, and they are standing <em>very</em> close to each other. Jensen has that smirk on his face and Jared has had years of practice to know exactly where this is going. Jared hopes the girl is at least nice because he will probably have to make small talk in the morning. Jared doesn’t know for sure how long he spends staring at the pair, then decides to go get himself a beer. On the way to the kitchen, he bumps into Justin who gives him a worried look.</p><p>“Jared, are you okay?”</p><p>Jared shrugs and chuckles, trying to play cool. “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess I’m turning into an old man, I get tired too easily with parties like these.”</p><p>Justin gives him a half smile. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” He studies Jared for a few seconds. “Do you feel like maybe going somewhere?” When Jared raises an eyebrow, Justin places both palms in front of him. “Not like that! I mean I don’t know, going for a walk, getting some coffee maybe. Just a thought.”</p><p>Jared considers Justin’s suggestion for a few seconds. He turns around to check on Jensen and sure enough, he’s kissing the girl. Jared faces Justin again.</p><p>“That’s actually a great idea. I’ll go get my coat and wallet.”</p><p>Jared doesn’t bother telling anyone where he’s going, not even Jensen. He’s gonna be busy enough not to even notice Jared’s gone.</p><p>“Let’s go.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jared walks around the neighborhood with Justin, without any rush, making small talk eventually. It feels good to be outside, like Jared can breathe better. And he realizes he enjoys Justin’s company. They walk by an open Starbucks at some point and Justin suggests they go in for coffee.</p><p>Once they have their beverages, they settle in an empty booth and Jared takes a sip of his mocha, staring intently at his cup. He can’t take the image of Jensen and the girl out of his mind. Silence drags until Justin clears his throat.</p><p>“Jared… do you mind if I ask you something?”</p><p>Jared looks up and sees that Justin looks concerned.</p><p>“Yeah, sure.”</p><p>“I mean… it’s kind of personal. I hope you don’t get mad but please feel free to tell me to go fuck myself and mind my own business.”</p><p>Jared frowns, dreading whatever is coming. “Okay…”</p><p>Justin licks his lips and checks his surroundings, to see if there’s anyone nearby. He speaks in a lower voice.</p><p>“Do you have feelings for Jensen?”</p><p>Jared’s heart stops, how would Justin have found that out? A million things go through Jared’s mind, he has to deny it, he needs to. Nobody can know this, only Chad knows and Chad is back in Dallas. Jared has to deny, he wants to but there’s something bubbling up inside him. He feels desperate, exhausted. He opens his mouth to tell Justin that no, he doesn’t, why would he even ask him this? But it’s something else that comes out before Jared has a chance to stop himself, his tone sounding wounded.</p><p>“How did you know?”</p><p>Justin offers Jared a sympathetic smile. “It wasn’t hard to figure out, just watching the way you look at him. I took a guess, and I was pretty much sure I was right.”</p><p>Jared goes back to staring at his cup in his hands, and he swallows hard. “Yeah, well…” He feels a lump forming in his throat and forces himself to swallow it down. “You are right.”</p><p>Justin reaches out and gently touches Jared’s forearm. “Sorry Jared, I didn’t want to upset you. We can change the subject, it’s fine.”</p><p>Jared shakes his head and looks up again. “No. Please, I…” Jared licks his lips and blinks a few times. His chest feels so heavy. “I was gonna deny it, when you asked me. But I couldn’t. This is killing me.”</p><p>Justin purses his lips. “I’m gonna take a wild guess that Jensen doesn’t have a clue?”</p><p>Jared shakes his head. “No, he never has. He can’t. Only my friend Chad knows it, and he’s back in Texas. He also figured out when we were teens.”</p><p>Justin’s eyes widen. “Whoa, has it been that long?”</p><p>“I met Jensen when we were around five. I don’t know for sure when it started but I think it has always been there. It feels as if it has always been in me, you know? I’ve always dealt well with it, as well as I could anyway, but it’s like lately it’s getting unbearable. This whole fake marriage thing is really hard.”</p><p>“Why would you accept this deal when you feel this way about Jensen?”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “Because he asked me. I’m so dumb, aren’t I? But Jensen is my best friend, it was something that really would help out his career, and he said he couldn’t do it with anyone else. And it has indeed helped him get into the spotlight.”</p><p>Justin cocks his head to one side. “You’re not dumb. But you’re hurting in the process.” Jared stays silent and Justin goes on. “Why don’t you just tell him?”</p><p>Jared shakes his head. “No, I can’t. He would tell me he loves me as a friend but doesn’t feel the same way. Then he would look at me with pity and our friendship would change. I don’t think I’d be able to stomach that. It’s fine though, I’m handling it.”</p><p>Justin makes a face clearly smelling Jared’s bullshit, but thankfully doesn’t say anything on it. He squeezes Jared’s arm instead.</p><p>“Don’t worry Jared. Your secret is safe with me. I also had my share of unfortunate relationships so I can relate to some extent.”</p><p>Jared gives him a small smile and Justin starts sharing some stories with Jared, to get his mind off things for a while. It feels good, Jared feels lighter. He’s glad he decided to share this with Justin, to have someone sympathize with him.</p><p>Eventually they leave Starbucks and spend some more time walking around. It’s past 2 am when they decide to call it a night, and Justin walks Jared back to the building much to his protests that he can go by himself, but Justin insists that he was the one who offered to go for a walk. When they arrive, Justin flags down a cab so he can go home and Jared thanks him for the night.</p><p>Jared goes up to the apartment and when he enters it’s all quiet, the party clearly long finished. The door to Jensen’s room is closed and Jared has a pretty good clue as to what is happening inside. He stays awake for a while thinking about everything, how he ended up here. Jared always tells himself it’s for Jensen. Everything is for Jensen.</p><p>In the morning Jared is having cereal when Jensen emerges from the bedroom with<em> that </em>smile on his face.</p><p>“Good night?”</p><p>Jensen shrugs. “Yep, it was alright. I think Jane likes to sleep in. Gonna make a quick something for us.”</p><p>Jared keeps staring at the TV as Jensen goes to the kitchen. As he prepares some coffee, he walks back to the living room.</p><p>“By the way, where did you go last night?”</p><p>Jared looks at Jensen, trying to remain neutral. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Well, I didn’t see you anymore at some point, did you go off somewhere?”</p><p>Jared considers for a while, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t tell Jensen the truth. He went for a walk with his friend, that is all.</p><p>“I just felt like going for a walk. You know how I get tired of these parties so easily. I needed some air.”</p><p>“Hm.” Jensen lifts an eyebrow, giving Jared a suspicious look. “By yourself?”</p><p>Jared answers after a couple of heartbeats.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>It escapes Jared how Jensen, despite being thoroughly occupied with his own conquest, didn’t miss the fact that Jared disappeared from the party.</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZkz_Tb9sz4">Here's the song for this chapter.</a>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Preparations for Jensen’s first gig are at full speed and he starts going to Sony almost every day for meetings so they can work all the details. Jared doesn’t join him in those but Jensen asks Jared for advice and always excitedly fills him in about the decisions they are making. Jared can’t wait to see Jensen perform his own big gig for the first time.</p><p>Jensen messages Jared during one of those meetings asking if he wants to meet up for a late lunch. Jared has been out running some errands and tells Jensen he will meet him at Sony. He arrives earlier while the meeting is still on, so he sits in reception to wait. Eventually Justin walks by and spots Jared.</p><p>“Hey Jared! What are you doing down here?”</p><p>Jared looks up from his armchair and smiles at his friend. “I’m meeting Jensen for lunch but I’m early, he’s still at the meeting, so I’m waiting.”</p><p>Justin smiles and sits down in the armchair next to Jared’s. “Oh cool, I’m just returning from my lunch break and still have some time to kill, mind if I keep you company?”</p><p>Jared shakes his head. “Not at all.”</p><p>Jared chats with Justin animatedly for about fifteen minutes, and then he hears someone clearing their throat next to him. He turns around and finds Jensen looking at the two of them.</p><p>“Hey Jen! All done?”</p><p>Jensen answers Jared but with his eyes on Justin and a weird look on his face. “Yep, I’m ready to go.”</p><p>Jared looks from Jensen to Justin and kicks himself mentally. It looks like it’s time to introduce them. Jared gets up from the chair and makes a motion to Justin, who stands up as well.</p><p>“Jen, this is Justin. He’s a friend of mine.”</p><p>Justin offers his hand, smiling at Jensen, who shakes it with a frown. “I already know you, you work here right?”</p><p>Justin nods. “Yep, I do.”</p><p>An awkward silence stretches and Jared breaks it. “Okay, so let’s get going? I’m hungry.”</p><p>Jensen looks pointedly at Jared. “Will it still be only us?”</p><p>Justin answers for him. “Yeah dude, I’m returning from my lunch break. Was just killing some time talking to Jared. I’m going back up. Talk to you later, Jared. Bye, Jensen.”</p><p>Justin leaves and Jensen watches as he goes until he enters the elevator. Jared clears his throat.</p><p>“Let’s go?”</p><p>Jensen looks back at Jared and offers him a smile. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”</p><p>A driver takes them to the restaurant, they could walk since it’s not too far but they would attract too much attention. Jensen can’t just walk on the street anymore without being stopped by a lot of people. As they enter the car Jared asks how the meeting went and Jensen quickly tells him, but spends the rest of the short drive looking outside the window, lost in thought.</p><p>They get settled at a secluded table at the restaurant, and it’s only after they have placed their orders that Jensen breaks the silence.</p><p>“So… what’s up with that Justin guy? You knew him already?”</p><p>Jared nods as he takes a sip of his water. There’s no reason for him to hide his friendship with Justin, none at all. He’s <em>allowed </em>to have other friends.</p><p>“Yep. He’s my friend, we hang out sometimes.”</p><p>Jensen’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh really? How come I didn’t know about this newfound friendship?”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “Dunno. Never came up I guess. We hung out for the first time that day your folks were in town and I spent the day out. I accidentally met him while I was having lunch, I remembered him from Sony, and we started talking. We ended up becoming friends, he’s a nice guy.”</p><p>Jensen frowns as he considers what Jared just said. “Is it just friendship? Or something else?”</p><p>The tone of voice Jensen uses is weird but Jared can’t decipher it. So he shrugs. “We are friends, Jensen. That’s all. But I don’t know, even if it eventually becomes something else, so what? It’s not like I’m committed to anyone for real, is it?”</p><p>Jensen speaks after a couple of heartbeats. “Oh so Justin is gay too?”</p><p>Jared nods, unfazed. “Yes, he is.”</p><p>“Hm.” Is Jensen’s only answer as he cuts a piece of his bread.</p><p>Jared feels slightly annoyed with this odd conversation. “Look, Jen. I didn’t have any friends in the city apart from you, and you are busy more often than not. So what if I made other friends here that I can talk to and spend time with. I left everyone behind to come here with you, didn’t I? And I’m not throwing it in your face, I did it because I wanted to. But I want to have people here too, I mean you have Chris and Steve, but even though we all hang out they are more your friends than mine.”</p><p>As Jared’s words sink in Jensen finally looks up with an ashamed look on his face. “You’re right. Sorry, Jay. I have no idea what got into me. Of course you can have other friends, it’s only healthy that you do. I’m glad you found someone to hang out with here. Sorry I acted like a jerk for no reason.”</p><p>Jared offers Jensen a smile. “It’s okay, no big deal.” Jared spots the waiter bringing their food and his mouth salivates. “Now let’s enjoy our meal because I’m starving.”</p><p>*</p><p>Over the next few days Jensen is even busier, spending sometimes all day long at Sony. He drags Jared along more often than not, but there are some days Jared just wants some peace, especially to write his songs. Jared also hangs out a lot with Justin, he’s proving to be a very good friend and they get along well.</p><p>On a Saturday when Jensen is busy as usual with preparations and rehearsals, Jared spends the day out with Justin and Jared suggests they get some groceries and go back to Jared’s apartment to cook something for dinner. Justin makes a face.</p><p>“You sure Jensen won’t mind?”</p><p>Jared frowns. “Why would he? Plus, he always comes back home starving, I’m sure he will appreciate a nice dinner.”</p><p>Justin considers it for a second. “Yeah sure, if you think it’s okay.”</p><p>They head to the store and get ingredients for pasta, plus a couple of bottles of wine. Back at Jared’s apartment, they put some music on and start dinner preparations. They are almost finished when Jared hears the door opening.</p><p>“Oh, something smells good!”</p><p>Jared smiles as he hears his friend’s voice. “Hey Jen! We are in the kitchen!”</p><p>“We?”</p><p>Jensen walks to the kitchen and spots Justin who is finishing cooking the sauce. “Hi Jensen,” Justin says offering a timid smile.</p><p>Jensen’s expression falls for a moment but he recovers with a smile. “Oh hey Justin, didn’t know you were here.”</p><p>Jared is the one who explains. “Yeah, we were hanging out and decided to come back here to make something for dinner. Thought you might enjoy it as well since you’re always hungry after spending the day hard at work.”</p><p>After a couple of heartbeats Jensen nods, blinking a few times. “Oh yeah, definitely! You know me. I’m starving for sure, yes. I’ll go take a shower and be right back.”</p><p>Jensen leaves the kitchen and Jared can’t help feeling something weird going on with him, but can’t quite place it. He keeps himself busy as Justin and him get everything ready and set the table for them. They set out the pasta bowl, garlic bread and wine and everything really smells delicious.</p><p>Jensen returns from his shower and sits down to eat with them, Jared pours a generous amount of wine in each glass because he has a feeling it’s necessary. The conversation is a bit stilted, Jared can feel Jensen trying to be nice to Justin but it’s unnatural somehow. Jared does most of the talking as they eat to avoid the awkward gaps in the conversation. It gets a little easier once they are done eating and more wine is consumed, loosening everybody up a bit. Jared feels way more relaxed as they finish the second bottle, and Justin announces he’s going home since it’s getting late.</p><p>He helps Jared and Jensen to bring everything to the kitchen and offers a hand with cleaning up, but Jared just brushes him off saying he will take care of everything in the morning, it’s too late for that right now and they would probably end up breaking stuff. Jensen says good night to them, claiming wine has made him even more tired, and retreats to his bedroom. Jared walks Justin to the door.</p><p>“Thanks for coming over, Justin. I had a good time today.”</p><p>“Me too.” Justin stares at Jared for a few seconds with an indecipherable expression on his face and when he speaks again, his voice is lower. “Hey Jared?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Justin closes the distance and plants a kiss to Jared’s mouth. He doesn’t do anything else, just stays in place pressing his lips against Jared’s. Jared is loosened up enough not to overthink it, Justin feels good, he tastes like wine and he smells great too. So he grabs the back of Justin’s neck and deepens the kiss. It doesn’t last long, before Jared knows it they are pulling away from each other. Everything is foggy right now in Jared’s brain but even then Jared can understand this can be complicated.</p><p>“Justin, this is too soon I...” He starts, but Justin silences him with a finger on his lips and a lopsided smile on his face.</p><p>“Jared, it’s okay. It’s no big deal, you get it?” Justin winks at him. “We are friends, right?”</p><p>Jared relaxes a bit and nods. “Yeah, we are.”</p><p>“Okay then. Good night, see ya.” With a last peck to Jared’s lips, Justin leaves. Jared stays in place for a while, still tasting his friend on his lips. Even though Jared doesn’t have strong feelings for Justin, it was nice. It feels good to be wanted, at least for a moment.</p><p>*</p><p>Jared had assumed that nothing could feel worse than pretending to be married to Jensen and watching him hooking up with girl after girl, knowing he would never stand a chance because his friend doesn’t like guys therefore would never want Jared, but he was wrong. It can always get worse.</p><p>Much worse.</p><p>*</p><p>A week later there’s another party at their apartment. Jared invites Justin so he doesn’t feel too left out. They haven’t kissed again ever since that first time, but it doesn’t feel awkward or anything. Jared understands it was a tender moment they shared that may or may not be repeated. Jared doesn’t want to push it and apparently neither does Justin. It’s good as it is right now and Jared doesn’t want to overthink things.</p><p>Jared tries not to pay much attention to Jensen at the party, he’s surely gonna find a hot chick so he can get laid, then she will stay over, have breakfast in the morning and leave. Lather, rinse, repeat. Jared knows that song but it doesn’t mean it gets any easier to relive.</p><p>Eventually, after Jared has had a healthy amount of liquor, Justin invites him again for a walk and Jared agrees. They spend a couple of hours wandering around and talking, then stopping for coffee like they did the first time. Nothing happens between them and Jared is torn between wishing Justin would kiss him and relieved that he didn’t. By the time Jared returns home the party has once again ended, and Jared goes to his room wondering what is happening in the one across the hall.</p><p>In the morning, Jared is sitting at the counter having some coffee and eating a cookie when Jensen emerges. The look on his face tells Jared immediately that something is up. He is red as a tomato and won’t meet Jared’s eyes.</p><p>“Hey, you. What’s up?”</p><p>Jensen suddenly looks up, his eyes wide as saucers as he clears his throat. “What?”</p><p>Jared raises an eyebrow. “You look weird.”</p><p>Before answering Jensen busies himself getting some coffee and a cookie for himself. He sits across from Jared at the counter and finally speaks. “It’s nothing, hm. Just a headache from last night.”</p><p>Jared knows there’s more to it but doesn’t press it. He decides to make small talk instead. “Okay so, what’s the girl’s name? Must be polite when she wakes up, right?”</p><p>Jensen licks his bottom lips and looks down, scratching the back of his neck. Jared wonders again what’s up, but when Jensen opens his mouth to answer, the door to his room opens and someone steps outside it.</p><p>And it’s not a woman.</p><p>Jared can’t breathe as he watches a <em>man</em> walking towards them, his brain failing to process what the fuck is going on. The <em>man</em> stops right next to Jensen, who offers him an awkward smile.</p><p>“Hey Tom, this is Jared. Jay, this is--hm, Tom.”</p><p>Tom nods at Jared, who just stares at the scene unfolding in front of him with his mouth agape. He’s glad <em>Tom</em> doesn’t offer his hand because Jared doesn’t think he would be able to shake it, he’s so in shock.</p><p>Jared only half listens as Jensen offers something for <em>Tom </em>to eat and he refuses, claiming he needs to get home. When Jensen gets up and sees <em>Tom</em> out, Jared refuses to look and see what they are doing at the door.</p><p>Jensen walks back slowly and sits on the stool again, not meeting Jared’s eyes. Silence stretches between them and Jared doesn’t know what to think. What he just witnessed can’t be real, he must be hallucinating, for sure.</p><p>Finally after what seems like ten years, Jensen breaks the silence. But upon hearing his voice, Jared snaps.</p><p>“Look, Jay…”</p><p>“What the fuck just happened Jensen? Care to explain, please??”</p><p>Jensen shrugs, staring out the window. “I guess it’s self explanatory, right? I slept with a guy last night.”</p><p>It feels as if a knife is piercing its way through Jared’s chest and cutting his heart in half at the same time as someone throws a bucket of ice water on his head. This can’t be happening. He tries to take a deep breath to control his overdriven nerves.</p><p>“Oh, so is this a thing now? You just happened to want to sleep with a guy? I thought you were straight? What brought this on Jensen?”</p><p>Jensen doesn’t answer for a while, still staring at the window. When he finally faces Jared, he shrugs again. “Dunno. Felt like experimenting I guess. Trying something new.”</p><p>Jared purses his lips, trying to pretend all his insides aren’t crumbling into pieces and turning into dust.</p><p>“Oh.” He gets up from the counter and walks to the sink, busying himself washing the few dishes. “And how--I mean, did you enjoy it?”</p><p>“I guess. Wasn’t sure I was gonna like it but I did.”</p><p>Jared grabs the edge of the sink and looks down, making a monumental effort not to cry, or vomit, so much that his throat aches and he has to clear it a few times to be able to speak past the huge lump that just formed in it.</p><p>“Okay so now what? You’re bi?”</p><p>“I dunno. If you want to put a label on it, maybe. It’s just too new, I don’t know how to process it just yet.”</p><p>Jared nods, feeling the breakdown growing inside of him. He turns around and stares at the counter as he speaks. “Okay, good for you. I guess. I’ll--hm. I’ll go to my room.”</p><p>Jared doesn’t wait for an answer as he walks around the counter and starts heading to his bedroom, but Jensen calls him.</p><p>“Hey, Jay.”</p><p>Jared turns around, blinking a few times to hide the tears forming in his eyes. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Don’t forget we have that award thing that we need to attend later today.”</p><p>Jared had completely forgotten that. Great, it’s just what he needed. He only nods and rushes to his bedroom, closing and locking the door behind him. Jared doesn’t even make it to the bed, he drops down on the floor by the door. He hides his face in his arms and knees so Jensen won’t hear him sobbing. His heart hurts so much it feels as if it will literally break at any minute.</p><p>Jensen just slept with a guy.</p><p>Jared always knew Jensen was unreachable because he was straight as an arrow, he was only interested in women. If Jensen by any chance liked guys too, Jared always assumed he would have a chance. But now everything has turned upside down because suddenly guess what? Jensen just decided it’s okay to sleep with dudes and <em>yet</em>, he <em>still</em> didn’t choose Jared.</p><p>Jared reaches the conclusion that <em>he</em> is the problem, not his gender. And it hurts much more than Jared could ever think possible.</p><p>*</p><p>By the time they are leaving for the event, Jared is all composed and dressed in a tux. There’s not even a hint on his face that he just cried his heart out. Jensen compliments his outfit and Jared just offers a smile in return. They ride in the limo in silence and Jared has to walk the red carpet with Jensen’s arm around his waist. Jared has to pose for countless pictures next to Jensen, always with a huge smile on his face as if he just can’t believe how lucky he is for having such an amazing husband by his side. Jensen plants a kiss on his cheek for the cameras and Jared smiles as if the touch of Jensen’s lips doesn’t burn his skin to ashes. Jared sits through the award ceremony barely listening to anything that’s happening. There’s an after party but Jared can’t do it, he just needs to go home. Jeff has made clear Jensen must attend at least for a couple of hours for networking, so Jared just tells Jensen he is going home.</p><p>“You sure, Jay? Do you want me to come with you? It’s okay.”</p><p>Jared shakes his head, he just <em>needs</em> to be alone for a while. “No, go ahead. It looks like it’s gonna be a great party, you go and enjoy it. I’m just tired and I can feel a headache forming. I’ll see you later, okay?”</p><p>Jensen studies him for a couple of moments and nods. “Okay. Let me know when you arrive, will ya?”</p><p>Jared nods. “Sure.”</p><p>Their limo driver takes Jared back home, and he can’t even pay attention to the streets. Arriving home, he takes off the tux and washes his face. It feels as if a permanent hand is squeezing his heart and won’t let go, ever, making it difficult to draw breath. Jared never thought it could hurt as much, and as he stares at his pale face in the mirror, for the first time he wonders if it’s worth it.</p><p>Jared spends some time just lying on his bed, thinking about everything and what he’s doing with his life. He needs to move on somehow, this is killing him. It’s not fair. Eventually he gets up and grabs his guitar. He sits on the bed and spends a couple of hours composing a new song. He gets lost in his own world as he usually does as he writes something that really hits home. Finally he has the song all done, it’s funny how easy the words flow out of him when he’s hurting like this. So he sings it for the first time, eyes closed so he can just <em>feel </em>it.</p><p>
  <em>I know your favorite song</em><br/>
<em>I hear it everyday</em><br/>
<em>Whoever made your smile</em><br/>
<em>Made it to get in my way</em><br/>
<em>And every time you laugh</em><br/>
<em>You make that little sound</em><br/>
<em>It's just the hardest thing</em><br/>
<em>To love you but not know how</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid</em><br/>
<em>'Cause I've tried to forget you but these things just don't go away</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>I hate that you're perfect, perfect for me</em><br/>
<em>If I didn't know better then I would believe</em><br/>
<em>We were made for each other</em><br/>
<em>But I'd know the truth</em><br/>
<em>You're no good for me, I'm no good for you</em><br/>
<em>And I hate that you're perfect, you're perfect for me</em><br/>
<em>I hate that you're perfect, you're perfect for me</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>What good are words when they always just get in our way</em><br/>
<em>And it hurts the most just to know that you don't feel the same, the same</em><br/>
<em>So sometimes I get down on my knees and I pray things will change</em><br/>
<em>But life is what happens when things they don't work out our way, our way</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>So I spend all my nights in the dark and afraid</em><br/>
<em>'Cause I've tried to forget you but these things just don't go away, away</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>I hate that you're perfect, perfect for me</em><br/>
<em>If I didn't know better then I would believe</em><br/>
<em>We were made for each other</em><br/>
<em>But I'd know the truth</em><br/>
<em>You're no good for me, I'm no good for you</em><br/>
<em>And I hate that you're perfect, you're perfect for me</em><br/>
<em>I hate that you're perfect, you're perfect for me.</em>
</p><p>*</p><p>The next day, Jared goes to Justin’s apartment once his friend is off work. He had messaged Justin asking if they could talk, Justin had invited him over and Jared gets takeout so they can have dinner. Jared desperately needs to talk, he has been a wreck for what feels like forever, and the knowledge that Jensen is apparently okay with dating guys now is sitting heavy and incessant in his mind.</p><p>When Justin opens the door, he immediately shoots Jared a worried look. “Dude, what happened?”</p><p>He opens the door wider, silently inviting Jared in. He takes the takeout paper bags from Jared and puts them on the kitchen counter, then leads him to the couch. Both sit down and Justin squeezes Jared’s shoulder, looking at him intently.</p><p>“What is it? Was it Jensen?”</p><p>Jared nods and proceeds to tell Justin everything that happened the previous day, a couple of tears escaping his eyes.</p><p>“He slept with a guy Justin, just like that. He is okay with this now and <em>yet</em>, he didn’t pick me. Am I so unlikeable? I always assumed he would, you know? That if by some miracle he was attracted to guys, I’d be the one he would choose. I mean, he has always known I’m gay. And yet, he decided to try this out with someone else. He asked me to be his fake husband but he doesn’t <em>want</em> me. Seriously Justin please tell me. Am I that undesirable? What’s wrong with me?”</p><p>Justin purses his lips and studies Jared. “Look Jared, I have no idea what’s going on in Jensen’s mind and I’m trying not to judge him without knowing what the fuck he’s thinking. But you listen to me. You are a gorgeous guy, you’re funny, smart, interesting. Jensen would have to be insane not to want you. I can assure you dudes would line up to be with you. There’s nothing wrong with you and you’re definitely <em>not</em> undesirable. Trust me.”</p><p>Jared still feels uncertain. “You think so?”</p><p>Justin gives him a bitch face. “Are you serious?”</p><p>Jared shrugs, offering an apologetic look. “”I don’t know, I…”</p><p>Justin cuts him off, rolling his eyes. “Okay Jared, let’s end this.”</p><p>Justin pulls Jared for a kiss, and after a couple of seconds of being surprised, Jared returns the kiss. Kissing Justin feels good, feels safe. They make out for a while until Justin pulls away and breathes into Jared’s mouth.</p><p>“Wanna take this to the bedroom?”</p><p>Jared finds out he actually <em>does</em>, it has been very long and Jared could use the release plus Justin is hot as fuck and yet…</p><p>Jared licks his lips as he stares at Justin, speaking in a low voice. “I do Justin, but I don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I…”</p><p>Justin shuts him up with a kiss. “Jared, stop thinking so hard. I’ve told you already, we are friends, we are attracted to each other, and we can have fun. No deeper feelings involved, alright? We just can have some benefits. What do you say?”</p><p>Jared forces his brain to think for a few seconds and he realizes Justin is right. As long as his friend doesn’t have real feelings for Jared - he would never hurt him like this - they can have fun. It’s not like either of them are committed to someone else. So Jared only nods and Justin smiles, pulling him to the bedroom.</p><p>Justin fucks him hard and good, and a part of Jared feels slightly sated after that. It’s good to feel desired, and Jared really needed that.</p><p>They eat the food Jared brought for them afterwards, sitting on the couch again, and Justin turns to him as he chews his sandwich.</p><p>“So did you like it?”</p><p>Jared nods, offering his friend a small smile. “Yeah, it was great. I needed that, thank you. Just wanted to make sure you don’t… you know…”</p><p>Jared looks down and Justin chuckles. “What? That I’m not madly in love with you? Nah dude, you’re gorgeous and all that but I promise I love you as a friend only. And like I said, there’s nothing wrong with us having some benefits in our friendship, right? We can have some fun while you’re not yet truly committed to Jensen.”</p><p>Jared purses his lips and feels a pang in his heart. “That will never happen.”</p><p>“We will see about that.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jensen’s first large concert happens a couple of weeks later. Jared tries to keep things normal between them but it’s like something inside him has shifted, he guards himself more around Jensen. He can’t tell if his friend has noticed it or not, but he’s too busy with the preparations to notice. And Jared sets his feelings aside to support Jensen since Jared knows how nervous he is just days before the “big day”.</p><p>When it finally arrives, Jared is sure Jensen is gonna faint at any moment. Or explode. He hasn’t slept at all the previous night and Jared has again kept him company on the couch, watching movies. He has reassured Jensen over and over that it’s gonna be okay, he has gotten it, it will be fine.</p><p>Jensen’s parents and siblings are arriving later, as well as Chad and Sophia who managed to fly in for the gig. Sadly Jared’s parents couldn’t make it, he wishes they could be here because he misses his folks.</p><p>Jensen has to go to the venue early, and Jared gets to have lunch with Chad and Sophia. It’s nice to be with his friends again, he has missed them. After lunch Sophia announces she’s going back to the hotel so she can catch some sleep - they chose to stay at a hotel close to the airport instead of the apartment since their flight leaves very early tomorrow - and Jared goes for a walk with Chad.</p><p>“So dude, tell me…” Chad starts once they are finally alone. “How are things? And don’t hide anything.”</p><p>Jared takes a deep breath and opens his heart to Chad, telling him everything. He includes Justin and how Jensen now is okay with dating guys. Chad is pissed.</p><p>“Dude, I can’t believe this! How could Jensen do that? It doesn’t make any sense!”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “Yeah well. It just proves he doesn’t like me that way at all. Not even if he is attracted to guys now.”</p><p>Chad frowns as he stares down at the pavement. “Still doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>Jared changes the subject after that, not really feeling like talking about it anymore.</p><p>*</p><p>The gig is a huge success. The venue is sold out and Jared watches from the side of the stage as Jensen absolutely kills it. He’s in his best shape and on top of the world. Jared tears up watching him, he’s so incredibly proud. It’s amazing to see Jensen here now, knowing how hard he worked to be here. Between songs Jensen takes a moment to thank Jared for everything, for the songs, the support, the love. Jared knows he really means it, and as their eyes meet Jared gives Jensen a genuine smile.</p><p>After the gig is over and Jensen has welcomed everyone in the dressing room, they leave for the after party at some night club. It’s a private thing in a separated area with only a handful of close people. Jared has invited Justin, who was also at the gig. They have been fooling around for the past couple of weeks and it feels nice.</p><p>A lot of alcohol goes around, and at some point Justin takes Jared to a darker corner and they make out, it’s good and hot and Jared feels dizzy enough not to give a fuck as Justin drags him to the bathroom and sucks him off in one of the empty stalls. Jared returns the favor by jacking his friend off and if they are louder than they should, Jared just doesn’t care.</p><p>Eventually a van drives Jared and Jensen back home. Jared has slowed down on the drinking a couple of hours ago so he feels slightly sober, but Jensen is just wasted. He’s leaning against the car window and his eyes are closed. Once the van pulls up to their building, Jared has to half carry Jensen to the apartment with an arm around his waist and Jensen’s arm over his shoulders. Jensen keeps mumbling nonsense as they ride up the elevator and finally enter the apartment.</p><p>“Dude Jen, how much did you have to drink? The whole bar?”</p><p>Jensen offers him a loose smile. “Pro’ly.”</p><p>Jared drags Jensen to his bed and lies him down on it. He takes off his shoes and pants, and helps Jensen to lie under the covers.</p><p>“I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Jared grabs a water bottle and an Advil, then returns to Jensen’s side.</p><p>“Come on dude, sit up so you can have this. You’re gonna thank me in the morning.”</p><p>Jared helps Jensen into a half sitting position, propped against some pillows, and makes him take the pill and drink water.</p><p>“Okay now you sleep.”</p><p>Jensen looks at Jared through half-closed eyelids and his voice comes out slurred. “I was great tonight, wasn’t I?”</p><p>Jared smiles fondly. “Yeah you were. Everyone there loved you.”</p><p>Jensen looks at Jared for a long moment, and Jared starts feeling awkward.</p><p>“Jen, I think I’ll…” Jared starts getting up from the bed to go to his own room, but Jensen loosely grabs his wrist.</p><p>“Jay?”</p><p>Jared sits down again and raises his eyebrows. “What is it?”</p><p>“I want to try something. Can I?”</p><p>Jared frowns. “What?”</p><p>Jensen lets go of Jared’s arm and frames his face. Without any warning Jensen closes the distance and covers Jared’s lips with his own.</p><p>Jared’s whole body sets on fire and he can’t do anything as Jensen opens his mouth and licks his lips, silently asking for permission. Jared’s heart pounds in his ears as he finally parts his lips and Jensen deepens the kiss, framing his face with both hands now. Jared finally tastes Jensen, it’s under a lot of booze that he consumed tonight but it’s Jensen, it’s his mouth and his lips and it’s <em>him</em>, and it’s everything Jared has always dreamed of.</p><p>Jared’s brain is screaming that <em>Jensen is kissing him</em>, fully kissing him, and Jared takes the opportunity to kiss him back, to finally have what he wants the most. Tears escape Jared’s eyes as he pulls Jensen closer with a hand behind his neck and explores his mouth with his tongue as much as he can with his eyes closed tight. Jared has no idea what brought this on and what’s gonna happen next, he’s even half convinced he’s dreaming, so he’s gonna enjoy it while it lasts. Jensen feels like heaven and for a moment Jared gets to have him. It’s like Jensen just <em>fits</em> with him. Like he’s the other half that’s missing from Jared and he fits perfectly.</p><p>Jared wishes this moment could last forever.</p><p>But of course it ends eventually, Jensen pulls away and after a moment of staring right into Jared’s eyes and offering him a tiny smile, he falls down on the bed dead to the world.</p><p>Jared brings his fingers to his lips as he watches Jensen. Jared can still feel him, and he allows a few more tears to escape his eyes. After a long time Jared finally gathers strength to return to his own bedroom, and finally lie down in bed staring at the ceiling. As tired as he is, Jared just knows he won’t be able to sleep tonight, his whole body still feels like it’s on fire.</p><p>Jensen just kissed him. It was not only a peck like on their fake wedding day, it was a <em>real </em>kiss. One Jared has dreamed of over and over and never thought Jensen would give him. Jared’s heart is racing and his nerves are all on overdrive, he doesn’t know how to even begin to process what just happened, he’s so shocked.</p><p>Jared can still taste Jensen, and he wonders over and over what brought this on.</p><p>What does this kiss mean?</p><p>What happens now?</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH1Ap4VeG0U">Here's the song for this chapter.</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jared, of course, barely sleeps that night. He tosses and turns thinking about the kiss, feeling Jensen all over his skin, and wondering what will happen when morning comes.</p><p>The only thought going on in Jared’s mind all night is that <em>Jensen kissed him</em>. Not for the cameras, not for anybody, it was only them and Jensen kissed him. Jared is still having a hard time processing that this actually happened, it’s not quite sinking in. And yet it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to Jared, finally knowing what Jensen tastes like.</p><p>Around 10 am Jared drags himself out of bed and makes a breakfast sandwich, as well as some fresh coffee. He just can’t eat much though, his stomach turning just with the anticipation of Jensen waking up and what will happen then.</p><p>Finally about half an hour later, Jensen emerges from his room. He looks very hungover despite the Advil Jared made him take. When Jensen spots Jared at the counter, he gives him a half smile and a mumbled <em>hey,</em> and goes to get some coffee. Jared waits, and once he’s caffeinated and probably feeling like a human being, he smiles wider at Jared.</p><p>“Morning Jay.”</p><p>“Morning. Slept well?”</p><p>“Like a rock.” Jensen takes his time making a sandwich for himself and sits down across from Jared to eat, behaving like usual.</p><p>Like nothing happened.</p><p>Jared gathers courage and clears his throat to get Jensen’s attention. They need to talk about it.</p><p>“So… about last night?”</p><p>Jensen looks up and his face lights up instantly. “Oh my god, Jay! Wasn’t it amazing?? All those people were there to see me, and they loved me and they sang with me and applauded… it was beyond a dream come true. I’m still having a hard time processing it, can’t believe it actually happened! It’s all thanks to you dude, you’re the best friend ever.”</p><p>The best friend ever.</p><p>Jared purses his lips and looks down at his mug, frowning. “Yeah, well… it was really awesome indeed. You were amazing. They all love you for sure.” Jared stays silent for a few moments before looking up again. “What about--about after the party? I mean…”</p><p>Jensen cuts him off. “Oh my God Jay, you need to tell me how the fuck we got home last night! I think I got hammered, way more than I should! I just can’t remember a single thing that happened after we left the place!”</p><p>And once again, Jared’s heart breaks into pieces.</p><p>Jensen doesn’t even <em>remember</em> they kissed. He doesn’t know.</p><p>Jensen kissed Jared and he doesn’t know he did it. It’s just another day for Jensen, ordinary as ever, completely unaware of the turmoil going inside Jared because of a kiss he gave him.</p><p>Jensen eyes Jared curiously with a smirk on his face. “Did I do something I shouldn’t? Oh my God please tell me!”</p><p>Jared stares at Jensen for a few heartbeats, making a monumental effort to keep his tears inside. He shakes his head and clears his throat.</p><p>“No. Nothing happened.”</p><p>Jared excuses himself and goes to his bedroom. He’s done, he’s just <em>done</em>. This was the last straw for him, he always knew if Jensen really kissed him someday without meaning it, he would break Jared.</p><p>And he just did.</p><p>Jared feels so utterly devastated that he doesn’t even feel like crying anymore. He just feels empty. And he needs to get the fuck out of here. Jared needs to be anywhere but here, sharing the same space with Jensen. He just can’t look at Jensen and act normal, like nothing happened. Like his heart just hasn’t gotten ripped out of his chest and stomped all over again.</p><p>Jared changes into street clothes and grabs his guitar case from the corner. He leaves the bedroom and walks by Jensen, who’s still in the kitchen.</p><p>“Going out?”</p><p>Jared barely spares him a glance. “Yep.”</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“For a walk. Bye.”</p><p>Jared closes the door behind him and quickly leaves the building. He grabs his phone from his pocket and calls Justin.</p><p>“Hey… can I come over?”</p><p>Justin must hear it in his voice that something must have happened, because he agrees right away, no questions asked. Jared turns his phone off and takes a cab, soon he’s at Justin’s door. When his friend opens the door, he shoots him a worried look and silently invites him in.</p><p>“Jare, what happened?”</p><p>Jared finally breaks down, lowering his head and pinching the bridge of his nose, letting out a sob, his body shaking. Justin pulls him for a hug and Jared clings to him, crying all over Justin’s shirt.</p><p>Justin just holds him and allows Jared to let it all out. Once he has calmed down a bit, Justin walks him to the couch and sits him down, then gets a glass of water. Jared nods his thanks and drinks it. Justin sits on the coffee table in front of Jared and looks at him with concern.</p><p>“Wanna talk about what happened?”</p><p>Jared sniffs, staring at the empty glass in his hands. “Jensen kissed me last night after we came home from the party. And he doesn’t remember he did it.”</p><p>Jared looks up to see Justin’s shocked face. “What the fuck?”</p><p>Jared takes a few deep breaths and tells Justin everything that happened in detail.</p><p>“I just can’t do this anymore, Justin. It hurts too much. It’s slowly killing me. I need to move on somehow, I need to forget him. This was just the last straw for me. But I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>Justin stays in silence for a few moments, just studying Jared. Finally he leans over and rests his elbows on his thighs, giving Jared a serious look.</p><p>“Jared… you know I’m your friend and I want what’s best for you. So if you want my advice, I think it’s time you come clean with Jensen. Tell him everything, tell him how you feel. He needs to know, Jare. This has gone too far already.”</p><p>Jared shakes his head, feeling desperate. “I can’t, Justin! If I tell Jensen I might lose him, I cannot lose Jensen. I <em>can’t</em>!”</p><p>Justin sighs and licks his lips. “Look, Jare… I’m sorry to say this, but to me it looks like you are losing him already. Don’t you see it? This huge thing is standing between the two of you, you just can’t be his friend like you’ve always been. You need to do something, Jared. It’s time.”</p><p>Jared lets Justin’s words sink in, and he knows his friend is right. This can’t go on, Jared is gonna lose it. He lowers his head again and nods.</p><p>“You’re right. I know. I just… I need some time, I need to figure out what to do.” Jared looks back up. “Can I stay here today?”</p><p>Justin smiles at Jared and squeezes his shoulder. “Of course you can! You had breakfast already?” Jared nods. “Cool, wanna watch a movie?”</p><p>*</p><p>Jared spends a lazy day with Justin and he feels slightly better, as if he can at least hold his head above water. Justin heats up some leftovers for lunch, and after eating they go to his bedroom for a nap. Jared realizes he’s exhausted, not having gotten much sleep last night.</p><p>He wakes up before Justin, and decides to grab his guitar and go out to the balcony. Jared has a lot of things he needs to get out of his chest, and this is the best way to do it. He grabs the small notepad he always keeps inside his guitar case, and it doesn’t take long for him to have a song. When he’s done, he sings it for the first time to test it, and when he’s done he feels Justin’s hand on his shoulder, and his friend leans down to give him a kiss on the top of his head.</p><p>“Nice one. It says a lot.”</p><p>Jared shrugs and looks up, giving his friend a small smile. “It’s my way to say it.”</p><p>Jared spends a couple more hours at Justin’s, they watch another movie and it’s already evening when he gathers strength to go back home.</p><p>“You sure you’re ready to go back home, Jare? You can spend the night if you want.”</p><p>Jared shakes his head and smiles at his friend as he gathers his guitar and folds the sheet where he wrote the song, placing it in his back pocket.</p><p>“No, I should go home. Thank you for everything, Justin. You’re an amazing friend.”</p><p>Jared hugs Justin for a long time, and finally leaves. His heart beats fast during the cab ride home. He doesn’t know what to expect, he doesn’t feel ready to tell the truth to Jensen. This is too huge, something they can’t come back from. This will change everything.</p><p>Jared takes his time going up to the apartment, and he stops in front of the door, taking a few deep breaths. He doesn’t need to do it tonight, does he? It’s not like he’s in a hurry or anything, is it?</p><p>Jared opens the door and Jensen jumps from the couch.</p><p>“Where the fuck have you been??”</p><p>Jared closes the door behind him and sets down his guitar against the wall.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Jensen throws his arms to his sides. “You were gone all the fucking day! Your phone was turned off, I was worried sick! I was about to send a search party out after you!”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “I was at Justin’s, I spent the day with him. That’s all.”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widen and he scoffs. “Oh, so you were with <em>Justin</em>. That’s rich! Are you two together now?”</p><p>The tone Jensen uses to pronounce Justin’s name rubs Jared the wrong way and he frowns. “We have been fooling around lately, yes. Why are you talking like that? Do you have a problem with Justin?”</p><p>Jensen purses his lips and puts both hands on his waist. “I just don’t think he’s good for you, that’s all.”</p><p>Jared wasn’t expecting that. “Where is this coming from? You barely know Justin!”</p><p>“Well--I just have a feeling, alright? I don’t know, to me it seems like he wants to take advantage of you, maybe use you to get a better position at Sony or something! I just don’t trust this guy!”</p><p>Jared is so shocked at what he just heard, he is at a loss for words for a moment. He walks closer to Jensen and suddenly feels very hurt at his implication.</p><p>Jared takes a good look at Jensen and slowly shakes his head. “Why is it so hard for you to believe someone would actually be interested in me for who I am? Why does it have to be something else?? Am I that unlikeable?”</p><p>Jensen stammers, feeling taken aback by Jared’s words. “Jared it’s not that--I…”</p><p>Jared cuts him off, words flowing out of him before he has a chance to stop them.</p><p>“Just because <em>you</em> don’t want me, it doesn’t mean other people won’t, alright??”</p><p>Silence stretches between them following Jared’s words, as Jensen processes the meaning behind them. His eyes widen and he stares at Jared in shock.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, fuck.</em>
</p><p>Jared walks past Jensen and braces himself against the floor-to-ceiling window with a hand on it, looking outside, his heart beating loud in his chest. What is he supposed to do now?</p><p>
  <em>You are losing him already.</em>
</p><p>He hears Jensen’s footsteps coming closer. “Jared, what are you trying to say?”</p><p>Jared swallows his tears and turns around, shaking his head, trying to gain some more time. “Nothing. Forget I said anything, it doesn’t matter anyway.”</p><p>Jared tries to walk away, reach the quiet of his room, but Jensen stops him with a hand grabbing his forearm, looking intently at Jared.</p><p>“No, Jared! I want to know! What’s going on, why are you acting like this?”</p><p>And that’s just it. Jared stares right back at Jensen as he shouts what has been inside of him his whole life.</p><p>“Because I’m in love with you, Jensen!”</p><p>It’s like the whole world stops as they stare wordlessly at each other for an endless moment. Jensen’s face transforms into a mask of shock, he lets go of Jared’s arm and takes a step back, his voice barely a whisper.</p><p>“What did you say?”</p><p>There’s no turning back now, tears finally fall from Jared’s eyes and he finally, finally opens his whole heart to the man he loves.</p><p>“What you just heard. How can you be so fucking<em> blind</em>? I love you Jensen, I always have! I can’t even tell you how long. All I know is that it has been inside me forever, this feeling that won’t ever go away, that eats me inside. I had to watch you take an interest in literally everybody but me! My whole life I had to watch you score girl after girl and you were unreachable to me because I was a guy, so I tried to make my peace with it because you would never look at a guy and I knew it.</p><p>“But then, guess what?? You just decided you were okay with being with guys as well and you <em>still </em>didn’t want me. You chose to have that experience with someone that wasn’t me. I started wondering if I was the problem because you look at literally everybody except <em>me</em>! You even asked me to be your fake husband while you fuck everybody else. Do you have any idea how I felt having to pretend to marry you? To act as if we are a happy couple and finally getting everything I always wanted except it’s all a lie? But you know what Jensen, I’m tired of being invisible to you! I’m tired of being just the best friend who always hears about your hook ups and how great they were while dreaming about one day having a chance with you, but it’s never, <em>never </em>my turn! I’m tired of begging for scraps! I always had this huge turmoil inside of me and you never even realized it!”</p><p>Tears stream down Jared’s face, and Jensen stares at him for a long moment, clearly in utter shock with everything he just heard. He clears his throat a few times, his voice again coming out as a whisper.</p><p>“Why… why did you never tell me this?”</p><p>Jared throws his arms to his sides, scoffing. “Why would I? To have you look at me with pity, poor gay best friend who hopelessly fell in love with the straight guy. I wouldn’t be able to stand the look on your face Jensen, when you told me you love me as your friend but nothing else. I knew things would change between us and I didn’t want that. I wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection. I always told myself I’d rather have you as my best friend than nothing. Because I knew things would change. It got worse lately, but I was still trying to stay strong. After what happened last night though, I can’t anymore. It was just too much.”</p><p>Jensen frowns. “What happened last night?”</p><p>Jared shakes his head, more tears falling. “You kissed me, Jensen. That’s what happened. When I put you to bed you kissed me and you can’t even <em>remember </em>it.”</p><p>Jared can see the exact moment it dawns on Jensen.</p><p>“Oh God.”</p><p>Jared slowly shakes his head. “Yeah. Pretty much. I thought we would at least talk about it in the morning, that it meant something to you when you kissed me. But as it turned out, it meant so little that you didn’t even bother remembering it.”</p><p>Jensen shakes his head. “No Jay, I…”</p><p>Jared holds up a hand. “No. Please. I can’t do this anymore Jensen. I’m sorry I said it was okay to pretend to be your husband, I thought I’d be able to handle it, but as it turns out I really can’t. This is killing me, living this fake life when it’s everything I’ve always wanted and will never have. I wanted to be strong for you but I can’t anymore Jensen. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this, but I know you’re gonna handle it.”</p><p>Jared turns around and walks to the door.</p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>Jared turns back to face Jensen. “Somewhere away from you. I can’t be here.”</p><p>Jared reaches into his back pocket and comes out with the folded sheet. He throws it on the coffee table.</p><p>“Here’s one last song. And by the way… they were all about you.”</p><p>With that Jared is out of the door.</p><p>He’s in shock as he takes the elevator back down and flags down a cab, giving the driver the first address that pops into his mind.</p><p>As Justin opens the door, Jared just looks at his friend with bloodshot eyes, feeling empty and with a thousand emotions going inside of him at the same time.</p><p>“Is the offer to spend the night still up?”</p><p>
  <strong>Jensen</strong>
</p><p>Jensen stares at the door which Jared just left through for a hell of a long time. He just can’t move, he’s completely in shock. What just happened feels so surreal Jensen’s brain is having the hardest time even beginning to process it.</p><p>Jared just confessed he loves Jensen.</p><p>Holy shit.</p><p>
  <em>Holy shit.</em>
</p><p>As Jensen watches the door he replays the kiss in his mind. Yes, he remembers it now. How could have he forgotten? When Jared threw it in his face, it was like all the memories flooded his brain. Jensen wanted to know what Jared tasted like. What it would feel like to kiss Jared. It was a crazy idea, one Jensen would only come up with when he was completely drunk, he would never have the guts to do it sober.</p><p>It all started when Jensen saw Jared kissing Justin the day he came over for dinner. Jensen had said good night and left for his bedroom, but he forgot his phone in the living room. When he returned, both men were at the door and Justin kissed Jared. And Jensen stayed hidden in the hallway, watching them.</p><p>Despite the fact that Jensen knew Jared went out with a number of guys in the past, he had never actually <em>seen</em> Jared kissing anyone. And he stayed paralyzed on the spot watching that kiss, a number of emotions swirling inside him.</p><p>Jensen felt uncomfortable watching that. He couldn’t tell why, but he didn’t <em>want</em> Justin kissing Jared. He couldn’t name that feeling, after all Jared and him were friends and nothing else, they were just pretending to be married. Jensen always slept around so it’s only fair Jared gets some too. But that kiss rubbed him the wrong way, like something was consuming him.</p><p>On the other hand, Jensen felt that was… kind of hot. He had never thought about two dudes being that hot before, but watching Jared kissing a man… stirred something in him.</p><p>Made Jensen ache for something.</p><p>That’s why he slept with Tom. Tom is one of the executives at Sony. He was at the party in their apartment and booze was going around, he looked at Jensen too much and Jensen just decided to go with it. Why not? He had never done it before but there’s a first time for everything. Jensen fucked the guy and it wasn’t bad, it was good actually. Jensen was able to feel pleasure from it.</p><p>But it still wasn’t what he had been looking for. It didn’t fill the void.</p><p>At the after party that followed his first gig, Jensen had already had his share of drinks when he went to the bathroom to take a piss. Immediately he heard obscene noises coming from one of the stalls, and he recognized one voice right away.</p><p>It was Jared, much likely with Justin. And from the sounds of it, Justin was blowing Jared. In a bathroom stall.</p><p>It was so filthy wrong and so incredibly hot at the same time. For a crazy moment Jensen imagined himself in Justin’s place, what it would feel like. Jensen shook off the thought right away, he blamed his drunk brain.</p><p>But not enough, because on arriving home, he kissed Jared. He wanted to know what it would feel like. Perhaps if Jensen was in his right mind and still had the guts to do it, he would realize that was the answer to everything.</p><p>If only he hadn’t forgotten about it.</p><p>Jensen was raised by his restrictive father to the belief that God made them so that a man could only marry a woman and vice versa. Anything other than that was an abomination, the worst of the sins. That was so ingrained in his brain ever since he was little, that Jensen had never even considered another possibility. He had never thought he could be different.</p><p>When Jared came out to him, it was a shock. He couldn’t even imagine his best friend was gay. His very first reaction - that he never shared with Jared of course - was to be repulsed, because that was ingrained in him.</p><p>But it was <em>Jared</em>. His best friend ever since Jensen could remember. The person Jensen loved most in the world, that made him happy. Jensen quickly realized that even if Jared was gay, it was actually okay with him. Deep down he never really liked this abomination thing, the idea that being gay was a sin. He wouldn’t push Jared away just because he was different, and he began to understand it wasn’t a choice, it’s just how people are.</p><p>But even though he completely accepted Jared’s sexual orientation, it didn’t mean he ever even questioned his own. Jensen had always assumed he was straight and that’s it, there was never any other possibility.</p><p>Jensen knew he would have to eventually find a girl to marry, have 2.5 kids, a suburb house and all of that. It was what was expected of him. There wasn’t another choice, at least not that Jensen knew of.</p><p>That’s why Jensen began his search. He dated girl after girl, as many as he could, to see if he would find what he was looking for. But he never did. He couldn’t picture himself living a life beside any of those girls, sharing a house, having kids, going to sleep and waking up next to them. Nothing made sense. He did not want to marry any of them.</p><p>The more he looked, the emptier he felt. He slept with countless girls, trying to tell himself it was good, he enjoyed it. He ignored how hollow he always felt inside after fucking them.</p><p>That’s why Jensen thought it would be different if he slept with a guy. Since it felt so hot watching Jared kissing that dude, maybe the answer was that he was gay too. So he had to try it.</p><p>But that still wasn’t the answer. Nothing ever was. Something was missing in Jensen’s life and he could never figure out what it was.</p><p>That is, until Jared shouted in his face that he loves him.</p><p>Jensen finally gathers strength to back away from the door, and he walks across the living room to the window. He braces himself against it with both hands and looks outside. There are so many things going on inside his brain that his head hurts, he’s having a hard time organizing his thoughts.</p><p>Jensen takes a couple deep breaths and replays in his mind the conversation that just happened, over and over.</p><p>Jared just confessed that he has loved Jensen his whole life, and Jensen’s world has turned completely upside down. But the funniest thing is that even though this is completely unbelievable to Jensen…</p><p>In a way, it makes complete sense. Jensen always knew, deep down, almost in an unconscious level, that Jared hid something from him. There was something about Jared that Jensen could never grasp, even though they always knew everything about each other. Jensen always tried to brush it off, it was his brain playing with him, but he never could let it go completely.</p><p>When he did that first TV show and the host asked Jared who his inspiration was for writing the songs, the feeling came rushing back. Jensen for some incredible reason had never asked himself that. Jared writes such heartbreaking songs, how<em> does</em> he get inspired like this? This thought stayed with him even after Jared brushed it off and joked that his inspiration was Jensen to generate a reaction from the audience. When they returned home Jensen was slightly drunk, and he had asked Jared. He couldn’t tell if it was his imagination playing tricks on him or if Jared had actually answered.</p><p>
  <em>A love story I’ll never have.</em>
</p><p>Jensen should have paid more attention.</p><p>He remembers the other day, the same day he had slept with Tom and they went to that award ceremony. Jared came home earlier and he was weird, Jensen knew he should have ditched the party and come home with Jared, but he was stupid and he didn’t.</p><p>When Jensen arrived home, he had heard Jared singing. He followed the voice and found Jared’s bedroom door ajar. He peeked inside and heard Jared singing the most heartbreaking song. His voice was filled with hurt as he sang, and Jensen felt a pang in his heart. Was it only a song or was Jared really hurting for some reason?</p><p>Jensen had wanted to talk to Jared, see if there was something going on with him, but he was too busy with the fucking gig preparations, he was so tired and worried about everything all the time, that he brushed it off, and totally dropped the ball.</p><p>Jensen rubs a hand over his face, he still can’t believe this is real. He can’t believe he was such a selfish jerk asking for Jared to pretend to be his husband. He can’t even begin to comprehend how painful that must have been to him.</p><p>Jensen remembers their fake wedding day. As he stood in front of Jared, reciting the vows and promising to love him forever, it was like something awakened inside Jensen.</p><p>It suddenly felt so right. But sadly, Jensen’s head was so far up his ass he couldn’t figure it out at the time.</p><p>Jensen didn’t realize <em>that</em> was the answer.</p><p>He slowly walks to the couch and grabs his phone, doing a search until he finds the video Jeff made at the wedding. He had never paid much attention to it, but now he does. He watches Jared’s face as he recites the vows.</p><p>Jensen can’t believe he missed it.</p><p>Jensen sits down on the couch and leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and lowering his head.</p><p>What’s going on with him?</p><p>Jensen stares at the ring in his finger. He keeps it on because Jared sometimes records them at home, and he needs to pretend they are actually married. He spins the ring around his finger and stares at it, hypnotized.</p><p>What if that wedding was real? For the first time, Jensen imagines himself walking down the aisle with Jared by his side. He imagines himself reading vows that he wrote himself, telling Jared how much he means to Jensen. Listening to Jared’s own vows. Putting a real ring on his finger, and promising to love Jared forever.</p><p>Jensen imagines himself starting a life with Jared. Choosing a nice house, decorating it. The number of frames with pictures of them that would be on the mantle. He imagines himself waking up next to Jared every day, making breakfast for them. Having a dog or two. Coming home everyday after work to Jared, watching a movie on the couch until they fall asleep. Growing old next to him.</p><p>And suddenly, it hits Jensen like a ton of bricks. It’s so sudden he feels dizzy, and he needs to take some deep breaths so as not to faint or puke on the carpet.</p><p><em>This</em> is the answer.</p><p>It’s <em>Jared</em>.</p><p>It has always been Jared.</p><p>Jensen brings both hands to his face and hot tears stream down his face as he realizes it.</p><p>Jared and him already live together, they have for a while, and Jensen has never realized <em>this</em> is what he always wanted, always needed. What was right in front of him all along, what he already has.</p><p>Jared was right, how could Jensen have been so fucking <em>blind</em>?</p><p>Jensen slowly shakes his head as he says the words out loud for the first time, his voice breaking in the end.</p><p>“I love Jared too.”</p><p>And he never meant something as much as he does now.</p><p>Jensen cannot believe how he missed it.</p><p>He finally realizes what he felt when he saw Jared kissing Justin. He was jealous. Incredibly jealous. So far, Jensen had never had to worry about Jared with other guys because he had never seen it, but with the threat of Justin stealing Jared from him, of Jensen not being Jared’s priority anymore, Jensen lost it.</p><p><em>He</em> wants to be the one to kiss Jared. To have Jared. Not someone else. Jensen was just too fucking stupid to realize it.</p><p>Jensen leans back on the couch and stares at the ceiling for god knows how long, maybe hours. It’s a lot to comprehend, this changes everything. Jensen wants to be with Jared, it’s not just pretend anymore. He doesn’t know if he’s gay or if it’s just Jared, the only thing Jensen knows, is that he<em> needs </em>Jared.</p><p>Jensen gets up and paces around the room for a while, trying to organize everything in his head, how he’s gonna go after Jared and declare his love for him. Beg for forgiveness, ask Jared for them to be together.</p><p>Then Jensen suddenly spots the folded piece of paper Jared left for him before he walked away. Jensen slowly picks it up and sits back on the couch. He carefully unfolds it, swallows hard, preparing himself to read the song Jared wrote.</p><p>
  <em>I'm awake in the afternoon<br/>
I fell asleep in the living room<br/>
and it's one of those moments<br/>
when everything is so clear<br/>
<br/>
before the truth goes back into hiding<br/>
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding<br/>
to work on finding something more than this fear<br/>
<br/>
It takes so much out of me to pretend<br/>
tell me now, tell me how to make amends<br/>
<br/>
maybe, I need to see the daylight<br/>
to leave behind this half-life<br/>
don't you see I'm breaking down<br/>
<br/>
lately, something here don't feel right<br/>
this is just a half-life<br/>
is there really no escape?<br/>
no escape from time<br/>
of any kind<br/>
<br/>
I keep trying to understand<br/>
this thing and that thing, my fellow man<br/>
I guess I'll let you know<br/>
when i figure it out<br/>
<br/>
but I don't mind a few mysteries<br/>
they can stay that way it's fine by me<br/>
and you are another mystery i am missing<br/>
<br/>
It takes so much out of me to pretend<br/>
<br/>
maybe, I need to see the daylight<br/>
to leave behind this half-life<br/>
don't you see I'm breaking down</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'cause lately something here don't feel right<br/>
this is just a half-life,<br/>
without you I am breaking down<br/>
<br/>
wake me, let me see the daylight<br/>
save me from this half-life<br/>
let's you and I escape<br/>
escape from time<br/>
<br/>
come on lets fall in love.</em>
</p><p>Jensen loses count of how many times he reads the words on the page as Jared’s voice replays in his mind.</p><p>
  <em>They were all about you.</em>
</p><p>And that’s when Jensen realizes the most important thing: how much he hurt Jared.</p><p>Once again he replays Jared’s earlier speech in his mind, how much he has been hurting his whole life because of Jensen. He caused an immense amount of suffering to his best friend and didn’t even realize it.</p><p>How could he have done this to Jared?</p><p>How could he not have known, how come he didn’t <em>see</em>?</p><p>Jared has always been so important to Jensen, how did he miss something this vital? He should have <em>seen</em> it. It has been years, Jensen could not have missed it. Even though he felt there was something, he never pursued it, and he should have.</p><p>Suddenly Jensen feels like such a failure. He failed Jared in the worst possible way, and there’s no way to repair it. It’s too late. Jared deserves better, he deserves much more than what Jensen could offer him. Jared is the most incredible person Jensen has ever met, he’s kind and caring, he has the most beautiful soul. He deserves to be so happy, with someone who can actually make him happy.</p><p>And perhaps that’s not Jensen.</p><p>A huge emotion starts to take over Jensen, he squeezes the paper in his hand as gut-wrenching sobs explode out of him. He hides his face in his hands as he breaks down, his whole body shaking as he lets it all out.</p><p>It takes a long time for Jensen to calm down so he can think straight, figure out what to do. He goes to the kitchen to get himself some water, and as he slowly drinks he tries to come up with a plan. He knows what he needs to do.</p><p>Jensen is gonna talk to Jared. He doesn’t want to leave things like this, Jared and him need to talk it through. Jensen will let Jared know he’s stepping out of his life, he won’t cause him any more suffering. He will tell Jared he wants him to be happy, and it’s for the best if they don’t see each other anymore, at least for a while. At least until they can heal. That Jared should find someone who can truly make him as happy as he deserves. Maybe Justin can be that person.</p><p>Jensen will tell Jared the only thing that matters for him is Jared’s happiness.</p><p>Jensen will not tell Jared he just realized he loves him too, and wishes they could be together. Because that’s just not fair to Jared. He deserves much more.</p><p>Much more than Jensen can offer.</p><p>And then Jensen can focus on his career - that he only has<em> because </em>of Jared by the way - and hope that things get better eventually. It will probably take a while, but hopefully losing Jared won’t hurt as much someday.</p><p>It’s too late right now and Jensen wants to give Jared some time, but first thing tomorrow he will go after him. He’s probably at Justin’s, so Jensen will have to go to Sony to see if he can get an address or something because he doubts Jared will answer his phone. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.</p><p>Jensen spends the rest of the night wide awake, crying over the loss of the only person that ever truly mattered in his life.</p><p>*</p><p>It’s very early in the morning when Jensen has a quick shower and coffee, then heads out to Sony. He feels exhausted but he just couldn’t sleep. There’s no way he would, with all the emotions inside him.</p><p>Jensen takes the elevator to the garage to get his car. Sony gave him one so he could get to the office easier without needing someone picking him up all the time, or if he wished to go somewhere else. Jensen sits behind the wheel and blinks a few times, shaking his head, to make himself more awake.</p><p>The streets aren’t crowded yet since it’s pretty early, so Jensen cruises through the city faster than he should. He doesn’t care though, he just needs to get this over with.</p><p>Jensen’s reflexes aren’t so sharp due to the lack of sleep, and he doesn’t notice the red light.</p><p>It’s already too late when Jensen looks to his left and sees a bus coming fast in his direction. He doesn’t even have time to be surprised as his whole world turns violently upside down and everything fades to black.</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8D3IzzpQHg">Here's the song for this chapter.</a> (By the way guys I was so excited to use this song you have absolutely no idea!!! I couldn't wait for the moment to finally come!! It's just so PERFECT!!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Jared</strong>
</p><p>Jared leans against the counter as he drinks some coffee and thinks about everything. He should eat something for breakfast but he doesn’t feel like it. He feels weird somehow, as if his chest suddenly feels too tight, he’s anguished.</p><p>He also can’t take the events of last night out of his head.</p><p>Justin welcomed Jared as he returned, and listened as Jared told about the conversation with Jensen through tears. Justin had kept Jared silent company, ordered dinner for them - forcing Jared to eat - and they watched random stuff on TV. Jared was trying not to think about what had just happened but it was impossible.</p><p>He had slept in the guest room - he had asked Justin to, since he wished to be by himself during the night, he knew it wouldn’t be an easy one and he didn’t want to bother Justin if they shared a bed - and he kept mostly awake, sleeping only in fits and starts. He wondered what Jensen was thinking, if what Jared had confessed had any effect on him at all. He at least hopes so, given their level of friendship. Jared knows they should probably talk more, he left without even giving Jensen a chance to speak, but he doesn’t think he can go through another talk with Jensen anytime soon. Jared knows what he has to do.</p><p>As Justin wakes up he busies himself preparing some eggs and bacon.</p><p>“So Jare… have you thought about what you’re gonna do? You know you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you need.”</p><p>Jared smiles at his friend. “Thanks, Justin. I really appreciate it. But I don’t know, I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. I was thinking I should head back to Dallas, at least for a while. I think I should stay away from Jensen, it’s for the best that I don’t see him for now. I’ll see if I can get a flight for tomorrow or the day after.”</p><p>Justin bites his bottom lip as he considers it. “Yeah, maybe it will help your sanity. I can go get some of your stuff later from the apartment if you want.”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “Jensen will probably be out at Sony today so I think I can swing by myself.”</p><p>Justin stares at Jared for a while with a frown on his face.</p><p>“Jare are you okay?”</p><p>Jared frowns back. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Nothing, it’s just… you look off. I mean, apart from the obvious issue.”</p><p>Jared shrugs, brushing it off even though he is in fact feeling something he can’t explain. It’s like he suddenly can’t breathe very well.</p><p>“It’s nothing. Just thinking about everything that’s happening.”</p><p>Jared wonders how weird it’s gonna be not to see Jensen all the time. They have always been glued to each other ever since they were kids, and since they started living together in college it got even worse. Jared is gonna miss Jensen a lot if they do end up going their separate ways.</p><p>Should Jared really leave without talking to Jensen again? Should he leave things like this? It doesn’t seem fair to either of them.</p><p>Jared suddenly doesn’t know what to do.</p><p>He’s about to voice all of this to Justin when his phone rings. If it’s Jensen, Jared doesn’t know whether or not he wants to answer. He takes a deep breath and checks the screen.</p><p>It’s not Jensen. It’s an unknown number.</p><p>Jared’s heart skips a beat as he takes the call.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>It’s a woman’s voice.</p><p>
  <em>“Hello, is this Mr. Jared Padalecki?”</em>
</p><p>Her tone puts Jared on alert instantly. Something is wrong. “Yes this is he.”</p><p>A pause.</p><p>
  <em>“Mr. Padalecki, I’m calling on behalf of your husband, Mr. Ackles.”</em>
</p><p>Jared’s heart stops and he looks at Justin with widened eyes.</p><p>“What happened to Jensen??”</p><p>
  <em>“Mr. Padalecki, I’m afraid your husband has been involved in a car accident. He has just been brought to the hospital.”</em>
</p><p>The words penetrate Jared’s brain and when he realizes what the woman just said, he goes into shock.</p><p>
  <em>“Mr. Padalecki? Did you hear me?”</em>
</p><p>Jared can’t find his voice to answer her, everything in him shutting down. With a trembling hand he offers the phone to Justin, who quickly takes it and starts talking to the woman. Jared can’t hear him though, he stays frozen in place, pure fear taking over him.</p><p>Jensen is hurt.</p><p>Eventually the conversation ends it seems, because Justin is in his face. He talks but it’s like there’s a buzz in Jared’s ears, he can’t hear him. It feels like he’s under water. Justin shakes him.</p><p>“JARED!!”</p><p>Jared tries to force his brain to work, to come out of the stupor. He blinks a few times, trying to focus on Justin’s face.</p><p>“Jen--Jensen, what happened to Jensen??”</p><p>“He’s in the hospital Jared. Come on, I’ll drive you!”</p><p>“How is he??”</p><p>“I don’t know Jare, she didn’t tell me anything. Come on, let’s go!”</p><p>Justin disappears down the hall and still, Jared can’t move. Justin comes back and helps Jared to put his jacket and shoes on. Jared still can’t move.</p><p>Justin starts to collect their wallets and phones, hushing Jared so they can go.</p><p>“Justin?” Jared’s voice comes out so low and broken, that his friend stops dead on his tracks.</p><p>“What, Jare?”</p><p>“What if I lose Jensen for real?”</p><p>Tears finally stream down Jared’s face, fear of losing his best friend, his everything, taking over his soul.</p><p>Justin gives him a sympathetic look, and squeezes his shoulder. “You won’t. We don’t even know how he is doing. Come on, let’s hurry to the hospital so we can have information on him.”</p><p>Jared allows Justin to drag him all the way to his car, put him in the seat and buckle him in, and doesn’t utter a single world during the whole ride.</p><p>
  <em>God I can’t lose Jensen. I can’t.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>*</em>
</p><p>Jared arrives at the hospital with Justin, and once Justin asks about Jensen Ackles at the reception, a nurse immediately directs them to a private waiting room. Once they get there, the head nurse approaches them and Jared doesn’t waste time with pleasantries.</p><p>“Please, how is Jensen?”</p><p>The nurse gives them a sympathetic look. “Mr. Padalecki, I’m Samantha. I’m the head nurse on this floor. Mr. Ackles has been brought here in a critical state after a pretty bad car collision. Right now he’s in the trauma center and you need to wait here as we assess his condition.”</p><p>A couple of tears run down Jared’s face as he takes in the word <em>critical</em>. “Is he… is he gonna be okay?”</p><p>The nurse licks her lips and studies him for a few moments. “Mr. Padalecki, I promise we will give your husband the best care possible. But now you need to wait. I’m gonna ask that you fill out a form, and also…” The nurse gives him a pointed look. “Since Mr. Ackles is a public figure, I’d advise that you contact those close to him right away. Word should spread soon, it’s gonna hit the news sooner rather than later. And it’s best that his close ones don’t find out like that.</p><p>Jared just nods at the nurse, and she produces a form. Justin takes it from her and directs Jared to a nearby chair. Jared is still in a state of shock, having a hard time processing everything that’s happening. It’s too surreal, this has to be a bad dream. Justin forces Jared to answer his questions so he can fill out the necessary information, then hands it back to a nurse. As he sits down next to Jared again, he places both hands on Jared’s shoulders and forces him to look at him.</p><p>“Jare, you heard the nurse. We need to call his parents and close friends. They can’t hear of this over the news.”</p><p>Jared nods. “Yeah--I. Well, I’m gonna call Donna. She should hear it first.”</p><p>“Okay, who else do you want me to call?”</p><p>Jared gives Justin Chris’ number and also asks him to call Jeff. Justin steps away and Jared gathers courage to call Donna. It’s a very hard call, Jensen’s mother breaks down as she hears her son has been in an accident, and promises to warn Jensen’s dad and siblings. She also promises to be on the next plane to New York.</p><p>Next, Jared calls Chad. He also wants to be the one to tell his best friend.</p><p>
  <em>“Jare, what’s up? You know what the fuck time it is? I’ve got to work later today man.”</em>
</p><p>“Jensen has been in a bad car accident and the nurse just told me he arrived at the hospital in critical condition.”</p><p>Chad’s voice sobers up in an instant. “Oh shit.”</p><p>Jared swallows hard. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen to him, Chad.”</p><p>
  <em>“The doctors didn’t tell you anything?”</em>
</p><p>“Not yet, we are waiting.”</p><p>
  <em>“Who’s with you?”</em>
</p><p>“J--Justin is. He drove me, I spent the night at his place. Long story.”</p><p>
  <em>“Okay--okay. Good, you’re not alone. Keep me posted and I’ll be in New York as soon as I can.”</em>
</p><p>Jared shakes his head even though his friend can’t see him. “Chad you literally<em> just </em>returned home from New York. You don’t need to come back.”</p><p>
  <em>“Yes I do, Jare. Like I said, keep me posted please. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be in touch soon.”</em>
</p><p>Jared hangs up the phone and Justin returns, letting Jared know he contacted Chris and Jeff. Jared thanks him and they sit side by side. Jared remains in shock, trying to process it. He stays silent as they wait for the doctor to come and talk to them while Justin keeps him silent company, and Jared is grateful that he’s not alone.</p><p>After a while, a doctor enters the room and both men jump up.</p><p>“Are you here for Mr. Ackles?”</p><p>Jared closes the distance and nods. “Yes, I’m Jared. I’m his--well, his husband. Please how is he??”</p><p>The doctor offers a hand and Jared quickly shakes. “Hello Jared, I’m doctor Edlund. Mr. Ackles was brought in a very delicate state. From what I understand, a bus collided with the car he was driving and the impact was very high.”</p><p>A <em>bus</em>. Jared suddenly has trouble breathing. “Oh God.”</p><p>“Well, Mr. Ackles was very unstable when he arrived and it took us a while and a lot of effort to stabilize him. We performed a CT scan and an MRI and we located an edema in Mr. Ackles’ brain. That means his brain has swollen and is pushing against the skull. This is a very critical situation that requires immediate surgery. Mr. Ackles has other injuries as well, but the edema is the one we need to treat right away if we want to try and save Mr. Ackles’ life. I just wanted to give you an update on his state; right now he is being prepared for surgery. A nurse will lead you to wait on another floor where the surgery will take place. This will probably take a few hours since it’s a delicate operation.”</p><p>The doctor excuses himself and Jared can’t move. A swarm of things swirl around his brain and he tries to process them all at once. A <em>bus</em> hit Jensen and he needs brain surgery. He’s in a <em>critical </em>condition. What’s gonna happen?</p><p>Jared barely registers when Justin leads him to the elevator, following the nurse. They arrive on another floor, and are directed to another private waiting room. Justin sits Jared down on a chair and joins him.</p><p>Jared looks up at the TV. It’s on a news channel, and the caption catches his eyes.</p><p>
  <em>SINGER JENSEN ACKLES INVOLVED IN A CAR CRASH IN NEW YORK</em>
</p><p>For the first time, Jared sees what used to be Jensen’s car. It looks like a ball of distorted metal and broken glass, and next to it is a bus with the front destroyed.</p><p>Jensen was in that car.</p><p>Watching that, a huge emotion starts choking Jared. He feels his throat constricting, and he’s having more trouble breathing. Suddenly, everything rushes back to him, hitting like a ton of bricks. Tears explode out of his eyes as he looks at Justin, hyperventilating and feeling desperate.</p><p>“What if Jensen dies? What if I lose him Justin? He’s been my best friend ever since I was a kid and he knows everything about me and I told him… oh my God.” Jared gets up and starts pacing around the room, his arms flying as he lets everything out. “Why did I talk to him like that, Justin? We should have talked things through, instead I spilled everything on him, I was so harsh! He had no idea, I didn’t have to do that! We could have had a civilized conversation, I shouldn’t have left the way I did! I should have stayed, what the fuck have I done?? This wasn’t us, we have always been so close, I should have fucking <em>stayed</em>! If I had, this probably wouldn’t be happening, where the fuck was Jensen even going that early in the morning??”</p><p>Justin gets up as well and walks closer to Jared. “Jare…”</p><p>Jared deflates completely, his shoulders dropping. “Jensen is the most important person in the world to me, Justin. He’s everything to me, has always been. If he--I don’t know. If I lose him I don’t know what to do. And if he… the last thing I said to Jensen was that I needed to be somewhere away from him.”</p><p>Tears fall freely down Jared’s face as Justin pulls him to a hug. Jared clings to him and sobs his anguish out. He cries and cries in fear of losing his best friend, his Jensen, his everything, and for everything he said to him, how things could be different.</p><p>If something happens to Jensen, Jared will never forgive himself. He doesn’t even know how to go on.</p><p>Eventually Justin leads Jared back to the chair and sits him down. He forces Jared to drink some water and stays by his side as they begin the long wait for news of Jensen’s progress.</p><p>*</p><p>The wait seems endless. Jensen is somewhere behind some doors having his head cut open and Jared never felt so scared in his entire life. Eventually Chris and Steve arrive, and then Jeff. Justin is kind enough to explain to them briefly what happened, of course leaving out the details of Jensen’s argument with Jared and all of that. It’s not the time or the place to get into that. Jeff stays mostly on the phone, probably talking to the guys at Sony about what’s happening. Jared couldn’t care less about all of this, he only needs for the doctor to come and tell him that Jensen will be okay.</p><p>He has to be okay.</p><p>Jared has no idea how to even <em>exist </em>without Jensen. He doesn’t have a clue how to live in a world without Jensen in it. And the mere possibility of having to do that is suffocating.</p><p>Eventually Justin drags Jared to the cafeteria and forces him to eat a sandwich. It feels like chewing cardboard paper and his stomach rebels, but Justin makes a point that he needs to be in good shape for what’s to come.</p><p>A few hours into the surgery, Donna arrives. She is devastated of course, and gives Jared a long hug. She informs Jared that she contacted Alan, but he will only be able to fly in to New York later. Jared is secretly glad for that, he does not wish to see Jensen’s homophobe father right now.</p><p>It’s without a doubt the longest few hours of Jared’s life. He swears the clock is moving backwards because time just refuses to pass. Jared feels lifeless, like his soul has been ripped from his body and he’s just a shell waiting for the most important verdict of all. To know if his soul can return to his body or not.</p><p>Eventually Jared leans forward and lowers his head, sending a special request up.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t take Jensen, please. I swear I will get over my love for him, I can be only his best friend for the rest of my life, he can sleep with whoever he wants and I promise I won’t care. I take everything that I said back, I promise I won’t even mention it to Jensen ever again if that’s what it takes. I promise to take care of him, no matter what he needs, so he can be okay again. I promise to be by his side through it all, I don’t care what it is. Just don’t take Jensen please. I will give anything. Leave him here, please. I promise with all my heart.</em>
</p><p>*</p><p>After about three lifetimes, the doctor finally arrives in the waiting room. Everyone jumps off their chairs to hear news on Jensen.</p><p>“Doctor please, how is he? Is he--did he make it?” Jared asks with tears in his eyes, his voice breaking in the end. His heart has stopped beating and it’s like the whole world is suspended in that instant, just waiting on the verdict, Donna just as breathless beside him.</p><p>Jared swears the couple of seconds it takes for the doctor to answer, as he just takes everyone in with an unreadable expression, are longer than the whole waiting for the surgery.</p><p>The doctor takes a deep breath before answering. “The surgery went well. We performed a craniectomy on Mr. Ackles, which means that we removed a part of his skull in order to relieve the pressure that his swollen brain was causing.”</p><p>Jared’s heart starts beating again, and fast. The surgery went well, Jensen is <em>alive</em>. “Okay, so… is he gonna be okay?”</p><p>The doctor purses his lips. “Well, this is too soon to tell. Like I said before, Mr. Ackles’ condition is still critical and this was a very delicate procedure. We will need to monitor him very closely for the next couple of days. Basically the next 72 hours are the most critical. Mr Ackles is in a medically-induced coma right now and we will have to wait and see how he responds to treatment before we can try to bring him out of it.”</p><p>Jared feels his chest tightening again. “So… basically Jensen can still… d--die?”</p><p>The doctor answers after a couple of seconds. “It’s too soon to tell what’s gonna happen. Like I said, right now we need to wait and monitor Mr. Ackles closely. He has had some pretty serious injuries.”</p><p>“You… you mentioned other injuries too apart from the edema, what are those?”</p><p>“Well, scans showed a fracture to Mr. Ackles’ spine as well.”</p><p>All air leaves Jared’s lungs at that and he looks at the doctor with a horrified expression. “Jen… he won’t be able to walk anymore?”</p><p>The doctor shakes his head. “Jared, a spine fracture is different from a spinal cord injury. We can treat a fractured spine and Mr. Ackles should have a good chance of making a full recovery. It’s not easy though, he will need another surgery to repair his fractured vertebra once he’s stable enough, and then he will face a long period of recovery and physio ahead of him. If everything is done correctly we can avoid a more serious problem, for example the spinal cord being damaged, and like I said Mr. Ackles could recover fully. Scans also showed a broken left collarbone and that’s more simple to heal. But Jared, those are things we are gonna deal with after. First we must focus on getting Mr. Ackles through the next 72 hours, he’s very much not out of the woods yet.”</p><p>Jared nods vigorously, taking everything in. The injuries sound scary but as Jared promised earlier, he will be there with Jensen and help with everything. He just needs Jensen alive.</p><p>“Okay. Okay, so…” Jared looks at the doctor with pleading eyes. “Can I see Jensen?”</p><p>“Not quite yet. He’s still in the recovery room, then he will be taken to the ICU and you will be able to see him for only a few minutes.” The doctor turns to Donna. “You too ma’am. I assume you are his mother?”</p><p>Donna nods weakly and thanks the doctor, who excuses himself after making sure nobody has any more questions. Jared collapses on the nearest chair, hiding his face in his hands and allowing a new wave of tears to flow out of him. Jensen is alive but he’s in a coma, the doctor said his condition is still critical, meaning Jared may still lose him. He feels a hand rubbing his back, probably Justin, and wonders how the hell he will survive the next three days with the threat of losing his Jensen hanging over his head.</p><p>*</p><p>After about another hour a nurse comes to get Jared so he can go see Jensen, and he just can’t wait. She makes him wash his hands and put on all the gear before going into the ICU, Jared tries to do it as fast as he can. When she finally leads him inside, he immediately locates Jensen on the bed and his eyes fill with tears. Jared slowly approaches the bed, and he can’t believe this is Jensen, his Jensen.</p><p>There are countless machines attached to him, including one that keeps beeping, indicating his heart beats. There are bruises and scrapes on all visible parts of his body, including his face. Though Jared can’t even see much of it since there’s a breathing tube on his mouth. There’s a large patch on the top of his head, probably where Jensen just had the surgery, and he looks incredibly pale.</p><p>Jared stands by the side of the bed and very gently, picks up his hand. Jensen’s skin feels warm, proof that he’s still alive under all of that. Tears stream down Jared’s face as he watches Jensen’s chest moving up and down as he breathes artificially, and then focuses on his face. Jared would give anything to see those eyes open again.</p><p>“Jen… please. You need to be okay, you hear me? I can’t do this without you, I just… I can’t. Where were you even going that early in the morning, Jen? What happened? I wonder if it’s because you were upset with what I said. I’m sorry for throwing all of that on you, I shouldn’t have done that. I promise we don’t ever need to bring that up again, alright?” A sob escapes from him. “Was it my fault? I’m so sorry Jen, please come back. I promise I’ll take care of you with anything you need. You just need to be okay, nothing else matters. I swear.”</p><p>Jared stares at Jensen for a few moments until the nurse tells him he needs to go now. Jared nods at her and focuses on Jensen again.</p><p>“Jen, you are my best friend, the most important person in the world to me. Please, hang in there.” Jared leans down so he can plant a kiss to Jensen’s hand without lifting his arm, he doesn’t know if that would be okay or not since he remembers the doctor mentioned a broken collarbone. “I have to go now but I’ll be back, I promise. Hold on Jen, don’t leave me. Please.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jared decides to spend the night at the hospital. Justin tries to convince him to leave, since there’s nothing he can do for Jensen right now, but Jared is having none of it. He knows he can’t do anything but wait, he can’t even see Jensen, but the idea of leaving hurts too much. He wants to be close to him. Justin offers to stay with him but Jared sends him home. He knows his friend skipped work today to bring him to the hospital, and he needs some rest so he can go to work tomorrow. Justin reluctantly agrees to go, making Jared promise to call if he needs anything and promising he will stop by before work. Jared also sends Chris and Steve home, again with a promise to call if anything develops.</p><p>Only Donna stays, since, like Jared, she just couldn’t leave yet. They stay mostly in silence, keeping to themselves. A while after leaving Justin had told Jared that there are reporters camped in front of the hospital and the accident is all over the news, everyone looking for information on Jensen’s condition. Jared has been receiving a lot of messages and phone calls but declines all of them, not wanting to talk to anyone. He only talks to his parents, explaining everything that’s going on. They offer to fly to New York but Jared declines, both are always busy with their jobs and there’s really nothing they could do here. Again, he promises to keep them posted.</p><p>At some point during the night, Alan walks into the waiting room. He walks straight to Donna, kissing her cheek and asking more about Jensen’s condition. Once she’s done he nods, and goes find a nurse probably to demand to see Jensen. He returns not too long after she presumably turned him down since there is no visitation at the ICU in the middle of the night, and he looks pissed. Finally he notices Jared sitting on an armchair.</p><p>“And what are you doing here?” His voice is full of disgust, and for once in his life Jared couldn’t care less.</p><p>“I am where I’m supposed to be.”</p><p>Alan turns to Donna. “Was he allowed to see Jensen?”</p><p>At that, Jared gets up and faces Alan. “Of course I was. I’m his husband aren’t I?”</p><p>“<em>Pretend</em> husband. Don’t forget that.”</p><p>Jared huffs. “Oh I would never. But technically I am still his husband therefore I’m allowed to see him. Plus, I’m his best friend.”</p><p>Alan lifts an eyebrow, “Oh really? And where were you that you couldn’t prevent this?”</p><p>Jared swallows hard, Alan’s words hurting deep, but he tries to compose himself. He won’t give the man the satisfaction. “Sorry but we aren’t actually attached at the hip, I can’t be with Jensen all the time. I don’t have the power to avoid accidents.”</p><p>Alan studies him from head to toe as if looking at a cockroach. “Well, you’ve done your part already. You can go home now, Donna and I can stay here.”</p><p>Jared rolls his eyes and sits back on the armchair. “I’m not going anywhere. I was already here and I am going to stay. If you are bothered by it sir, you are welcome to sit across the room or anywhere else for all I care.”</p><p>Jared would never stand up to Alan like this under normal circumstances, but this is far from normal. And he will not leave Jensen right now.</p><p>Eventually Alan does as Jared said and goes sit as far from him as possible.</p><p>*</p><p>Justin comes check on Jared in the morning and tries to convince him to go home, but it’s useless. Jared just can’t leave Jensen, not yet. Plus, he hopes to be able to see him again sometime today, so he can’t go home.</p><p>Jared is allowed to see Jensen during the afternoon, again for a few minutes. The doctor had informed them that there has been no changes to Jensen’s condition. His situation is still critical but he made it through the first 24 hours which is a small victory. Again, Jared asks him to hold on. To fight.</p><p>Chad arrives at some point during the afternoon, and even though Jared feels guilty that his friend returned to New York to be with him, he’s incredibly grateful. Chad is not a very touchy person but he gives Jared a long hug. He sure needs his friend with him.</p><p>Alan and Donna had finally gone to a hotel and Jared is glad that he doesn’t have to stay in the same room as the man for now. Chad keeps Jared company and they stay silent for the most part, Jared not feeling like talking about everything just yet. Eventually Chris and Steve arrive and inform Jared they are gonna spend the night at the hospital so Jared can go rest. Jared protests, he doesn’t want to leave Jensen, but apparently Chris and Steve decided to team up with Chad to get Jared to go home for a while.</p><p>“Jared, we know you won’t leave if there’s nobody here,” Chris says. “That’s why we came, so you can go home to rest for a bit. You’ve been here for over a day man, you need to get some sleep. Go home with Chad, we are gonna stay here and if there’s any news we will let you guys know asap.”</p><p>Jared looks at Chad, uncertain, and his friend places an arm around his shoulders. “Let’s go Jaybird. Chris is right. You’re gonna pass out at any minute now. Jensen won’t go anywhere.”</p><p>Now that Chad mentioned it, Jared realizes how truly exhausted he is. He hasn’t slept since yesterday apart for some short naps on the armchair. So he allows his friend to take him away, again making the guys promise to call if there’s anything.</p><p>The street in front of the hospital is filled with reporters, and as soon as they see Jared everyone goes wild. He panics as he sees the flashes going off on his face, but before he knows it, Chad is shoving him inside a cab and they are quickly heading home.</p><p>Jared bursts into tears as soon as he enters the apartment. Many memories of Jensen flood his mind, and the idea that Jensen may not return to this place crushes Jared’s heart. He also remembers the last time he was here, the argument with Jensen. Chad comforts him and as Jared calms down a bit, his friend makes him take a shower and prepares a light meal for them, forcing Jared to eat. Once Jared feels more like a human, he tells Chad everything that happened ever since the concert night, when Jensen kissed him.</p><p>God, that seems so long ago when it’s actually just a few days.</p><p>Chad listens to everything without saying a word even though he clearly wants to. Once Jared is done, Chad thinks about everything for a while.</p><p>“So, let me get this straight, no pun intended. Jensen kissed you but he didn’t remember it until you told him. You also told him everything, that you have always loved him and shit, and then you left without hearing what he had to say?”</p><p>What a way to rub salt to the wound. Jared nods. “Yeah, pretty much. I know what I did was awful, I should have stayed and talked to him. Instead I ran off to Justin’s.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Chad frowns. “And you said Jensen was pissed when you told him you and Justin had a thing? Even though he barely knows Justin?” Jared nods. “Okay, and… where was Jensen going that early in the morning just hours after you had that argument? And apparently in a huge hurry, since from what I heard he drove through a red light?”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? I thought maybe he was going to Sony but Jeff said they didn’t have anything scheduled for him that early.”</p><p>“Do you think he was going after you?”</p><p>Jared considers it for a few moments. “Doubt it. What would he have to say to me that just couldn’t wait? I’m sure the rejection that was sure to come wasn’t that urgent. Plus, he didn’t even know where I was. I’m sure it was something else. Just don’t know what.”</p><p>Chad opens his mouth to say something else but Jared holds up a hand. “Chad, it doesn’t matter anymore. Jensen is fighting for his life, and if he makes it he is gonna have a long recovery period ahead of him. I want to be with him, to help him through it. I made a promise that if Jensen survives I won’t ever even mention this anymore. All I care about is his well being. Nothing else is important.”</p><p>Jared ends the conversation by claiming they should get some rest since he wants to be back at the hospital first thing in the morning.</p><p>*</p><p>It’s a week later and Jared is in the waiting room, waiting to be allowed to see Jensen again. Jensen has made it this far, going through the most dangerous first 72 hours which was already a small miracle. But he still hasn’t woken up and Jared is getting more and more anxious. Jared barely leaves the hospital, he only goes home when one of his friends drags him. If they don’t make him, Jared even forgets to eat. He just needs Jensen to safely come out of this coma.</p><p>A couple of days ago they performed the spine surgery on Jensen, declaring he was stable enough and it could be dangerous for his spine to wait much longer. Jared was worried of course, and only relaxed a tiny bit when the doctor declared the surgery to be a success. When Jared saw Jensen again after that, he was wearing a brace around his torso. The doctor had told Jared he would have to wear that for a while so his spine could be stable in order to heal correctly.</p><p>Jared is finally allowed to go inside the ICU, and he takes his place by Jensen’s bed. As he always does, Jared takes Jensen’s hand and holds it, caressing the back of it with his thumb. A tear escapes Jared’s eye as he takes in Jensen’s face. He’s even more pale, his freckles very prominent.</p><p>“Jen… come back please. I miss you, I need you. Open your eyes for me, Jen.”</p><p>Jared stares at Jensen’s face for another minute, and he’s almost saying goodbye since the nurse should come any minute now, but then a miracle happens. Just like magic Jensen’s eyes slowly open, and he stares at the ceiling with an unfocused gaze.</p><p>Tears fall from Jared’s eyes and he squeezes Jensen’s hand, managing to choke out a word. “Jen?”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes immediately seek Jared’s voice, and when he sees Jared he blinks a few times as if to focus.</p><p>Jared smiles through his tears as he looks at those beautiful green eyes that he has missed so much and was so scared he would never see again.</p><p>“Hey Jen… welcome back.”</p><p>A single tear escapes from Jensen’s eye to the side of his face. He can’t speak or express much emotions since he has a tube down his throat, but Jared can read the words written in Jensen’s still confused yet somehow relieved eyes.</p><p>
  <em>Hey Jay.</em>
</p><p>Very weakly, almost like a feather, Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand back.</p><p>At that moment, nothing else in the world matters and everything was worth it.</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jensen seems confused, and Jared can see the scared look in his eyes. Jared tries to calm his racing heart and tone down his excitement with his friend finally waking up to focus on him. So he places a gentle hand on Jensen’s shoulder and leans over offering him a comfort smile.</p><p>“Jen, you’re in the hospital. Don’t worry, you’re gonna be fine. I’m here, it’s okay.”</p><p>Jensen blinks a few times and tries to look around, then his eyes travel down to the tube on his mouth as if he’s just noticing it. He looks at Jared again and begins to get agitated, trying to lift his arms as if to remove the tube. Jared holds them down gently.</p><p>“You can’t move, alright? Try to stay still for a bit, I’m gonna get the nurse. Can I release you?”</p><p>Jensen tries to nod and stops fighting Jared’s hold, so Jared lets go. With a last reassuring smile, he runs to alert the nurse that Jensen is awake. Luckily the doctor is nearby so both rush to Jensen’s bed.</p><p>“Hello Jensen,” the doctor greets him with a smile. “I see you joined us, that’s very good. Is the tube bothering you?”</p><p>Jensen tries to nod again, tears leaking from his eyes. Jared imagines it’s from the discomfort of having a tube shoved down his throat. The doctor nods back.</p><p>“Alright, we are gonna do some tests to see if you can breathe on your own, and if everything is okay we can remove the tube.”</p><p>The doctor turns to Jared. “Jared, do you mind waiting outside? We are going to run some tests on Jensen to see how he’s doing. You can let others know the good news in the meantime.”</p><p>Jared doesn’t want to go, he just got Jensen back and he needs to stay with him. But he understands he needs to give the doctor proper space to work. So he touches Jensen’s shoulder again, who gives him a pleading look.</p><p>“Don’t worry Jen, you’re gonna be in good hands. Don’t be scared. I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be right outside okay? I’ll come back as soon as they let me.”</p><p>Jensen blinks twice at Jared and tries to nod. Jared lightly squeezes his shoulder and offers him a last smile before stepping away from his bed.</p><p>As Jared reaches the hall, he breaks down in relief. Jensen is awake, he’s out of the coma and that’s the best news he could ever get. It’s all gonna be okay now, he knows it. Jensen is back and that’s all that matters. He sends a million thanks up to whoever is listening.</p><p>Jared contacts everyone as he waits, he calls Donna, then his own parents, Chris, Justin, Jeff and Chad - who had to return to Texas a couple of days ago - and of course they are all ecstatic at the good news.</p><p>Soon Donna arrives with Alan and gives Jared a hug. He tells them - actually tells Donna since Alan just stands a few feet behind her and Jared doesn’t look at him - what happened and how the doctors are now examining Jensen. Donna cries with happiness hearing her son has woken up, and they sit down to wait for news.</p><p>It doesn’t take long for the on-duty doctor to come inform them that Jensen has awakened from the coma, and that his vitals have improved greatly. He also tells them that they have taken Jensen off the ventilator since he can breathe fine on his own. And lastly, he informs that if Jensen’s condition remains stable he may be able to be transferred to a regular room tomorrow. Jared is incredibly happy with the news, feeling like a weight the size of the world has just been lifted from his shoulders.</p><p>Jared is allowed to see Jensen again a while later given the restrictions from the ICU. His parents have been in to see him already and Jared was anxiously waiting for his turn. When he spots Jensen, he is relieved to see that tube gone. He’s only got a nasal cannula with nothing else obscuring his face. Another indication that Jensen is doing better. Jared also realizes his left arm is now secured in a sling, likely to prevent Jensen from moving it and causing pain. His eyes are closed, and as Jared turns to the nurse to ask, she beats him to it.</p><p>“He is just sleeping, don’t worry. He will be on and off for a while since he has just woken up from his coma. His body needs some time to recover. In the future he probably won’t even remember what happened while he was awake during these times. But it’s always important to have loved ones close.”</p><p>Jared sits on the chair next to the bed and takes Jensen’s hand, speaking to him in a low voice.</p><p>“Hey Jen, I told you I would come back. I’m so relieved you’re back with us. I was terrified. Don’t ever do that again, alright?”</p><p>Jared just stares at Jensen’s sleeping face for a while, then suddenly his eyes begin to open. Jared’s heart starts beating fast as Jensen looks around him.</p><p>“Jen?”</p><p>At hearing Jared’s voice Jensen turns his face to look at him. When he spots Jared a weak smile spreads on his face and Jared’s heart almost melts out of his chest.</p><p>“Jay…”</p><p>Jensen’s voice is barely audible and very raspy, and yet it’s the best thing Jared has ever heard. He smiles at his friend as a couple of tears escape his eyes.</p><p>“I’m here Jen. I told you I wouldn’t leave you.”</p><p>“What happened?” Jensen pretty much mouths the words as if that’s too much for him to voice at once.</p><p>Jared squeezes his hand. “Don’t worry about that now. What matters is that you’re here and everything will be alright. When you’re feeling better I will tell you everything, okay?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Tired.”</p><p>“I know. You’ve been through a lot. You need lots of rest. Does anything hurt?”</p><p>Jensen briefly shakes his head. “No.”</p><p>Jared chuckles. “They must have given you the good stuff. They better, I don’t wanna see you in pain.”</p><p>Jensen clears his throat. “Want...home.”</p><p>Jared offers him a sympathetic smile. “I know. I want you to go home too. But you will soon, okay? In no time we will be back home, don’t worry.”</p><p>Jensen nods and starts blinking heavily. “Sleepy.”</p><p>Jared chuckles again. “Yeah, I figured. You can go back to sleep Jen, it’s okay.”</p><p>Jensen stares at Jared for a few moments, apparently trying to stay alert just a bit more, and weakly squeezes Jared’s hand. “Stay?”</p><p>Jared smiles and caresses Jensen’s hand with his thumb. “Of course, dude. Like there’s anywhere else I would rather be.”</p><p>Jensen sighs and is asleep in a matter of seconds.</p><p>*</p><p>Jensen’s condition improves and he’s transferred to a regular room the next day, much to Jared’s relief. Now he can stay with Jensen as much as he wants to without a nurse kicking him out every time he overstays his welcome.</p><p>In the hours that followed Jensen waking up, everyone came to the hospital to learn more about it even though they weren’t allowed to see Jensen just yet, and Jared gladly described over and over again how the whole thing happened, and that Jensen was apparently out of the woods, finally. It was like watching the weight lifting from everyone else’s shoulders as well. Justin convinced Jared to go home with him so he could get some needed rest and real food since having been at the hospital for two days straight without leaving. Donna had decided to stay the night so Jared agreed to go with Justin. If he was honest he could really use some sleep in a real bed and a shower especially since he was planning on staying the whole next day at the hospital again, now that Jensen was awake.</p><p>Jared is alone in the hospital when a nurse tells him Jensen has been moved to his own room and he’s allowed to go see him. Donna has gone home to rest after spending the night - Alan had to return to Texas the previous night since apparently business couldn’t wait any longer (not that Jared is complaining the man is gone but come on, it’s his son). Jared’s heart starts beating fast with excitement as he follows the nurse to a private wing at the hospital - the press is still going insane trying to get news of Jensen, so of course they have to keep him in a restricted area. After getting cleared by security, the nurse shows Jared the right room and he takes a deep breath before going in.</p><p>The room looks way better than the ICU of course, Jensen is lying on a very similar bed but he’s not hooked up to countless machines anymore. There’s only an IV attached to him as well as the nasal cannula. He has his eyes closed as if in a peaceful slumber.</p><p>“He still gets tired pretty easily,” the nurse informs Jared. “But he’s going to start to be more alert progressively. He’s doing very well. You can now stay with him and if there’s anything Mr. Ackles needs, please hit that button. There’s a bottle of water and a cup next to the bed, if he’s thirsty you can give him some.”</p><p>Jared thanks the nurse and she finally excuses herself, leaving him alone with Jensen. Jared approaches the bed and drags the armchair up so he can sit right next to Jensen. He as usual takes Jensen’s hand and starts humming a song, in the hopes of helping Jensen to sleep better.</p><p>“I’m here, Jen. You get your rest.”</p><p>Jared wakes up with someone squeezing his hand. He hasn’t even realized he dozed off. He opens his eyes to find Jensen’s beautiful green ones staring at him, a small smile on his lips.</p><p>“Morning,” Jensen says in a small voice.</p><p>Jared quickly straightens up on the chair and smiles back at Jensen.</p><p>“Hey Jen! Sorry I think I closed my eyes a bit. How are you feeling?”</p><p>Jensen frowns, considering the question. “I don’t know. I feel weird.” He takes a look at his surroundings.</p><p>“Do you remember waking up yesterday? Or anything at all?”</p><p>Jensen considers for a few moments and clears his throat, his tone getting stronger as he speaks. “Yeah. I mean, I remember some of it, like flashes. I remember talking to you at some point but can’t remember what. There was that tube too. Then they brought me down here but my head still felt too foggy. Now it’s like it’s finally clearing up a bit and I guess I can stay awake for a little longer, focus better.”</p><p>Jared smiles in relief, watching Jensen doing obviously better. It’s gonna be okay. “That’s great news, Jen.”</p><p>Jensen can obviously see the emotion on Jared’s face and he purses his lips. “Can you tell me now what happened to me? What the fuck am I doing here? But please give me some water first, I’m thirsty as fuck.”</p><p>Jared chuckles and gets up to get Jensen a glass of water. As he busies himself, he turns his face to Jensen, feeling nervous all of the sudden. “What do you remember?”</p><p>Jensen is silent for a while as he probably forces his mind to remember. “Well… I remember us at the apartment. You had been gone all day and I was worried because I couldn’t get a hold of you. And then…” Jensen turns quiet and Jared knows he is probably remembering their argument.</p><p>Jared approaches the bed and brings the glass to Jensen’s mouth, helping him to drink it and thankful for the seconds of silence. When Jensen is done, Jared sits down again and stares at him.</p><p>“...then we had a heated conversation.” Jensen finishes, suddenly dead serious and apparently a bit wary of Jared, as if afraid Jared is still mad at him for some reason.</p><p>Jared nods. “Yeah, but… let’s not. Let’s not talk about that, alright? It’s not important Jen. So many things have happened ever since, please forget it. What matters is that you’re here.”</p><p>Jensen sighs, probably considering saying something else, but finally nods. “Okay. So what brought me here?”</p><p>Jared takes a deep breath. “Early morning you left the apartment and apparently you were in a rush somewhere, because you drove through a red light and a bus crashed into you and flipped your car over.” Jared looks down and licks his lips as he remembers the images of the damaged car, his eyes watering. “It was pretty bad.”</p><p>“Oh dang.” Jensen is silent for a few seconds as he processes it. “How long ago was that?”</p><p>“Eight days ago.”</p><p>“Shit. And what’s… what’s the damage?”</p><p>Jared looks up and sees Jensen with a frightened look on his face, waiting to see if there’s something really wrong with him. Jared offers him a small smile to put him more at ease.</p><p>“Well, you had a serious edema which the doctor explained as basically your brain swelling so much they had to cut a hole on your skull to relieve the pressure. Apparently you’re gonna need another surgery in the future to close the hole, but it all went well. You also had a fracture in your spine, there was another surgery for that a few days ago and you’re gonna have a long recovery period ahead for that to heal, but the doctor said that with proper care you’re gonna be good as new. They put a brace around your torso to stabilize your spine. You also have a broken left collarbone but that will also heal on its own. The doctor will much likely explain all of it to you better later, but that’s about the sum of it.”</p><p>Jensen considers all the information. “Whoa, the bus really got me hard, huh?”</p><p>Jared nods, looking down again as he feels a lump in his throat. “You were in a coma for a week. The doctor said your condition was pretty critical and for a while we didn’t know if…” He can’t continue without getting choked up.</p><p>“Jay?” Jensen calls, and weakly reaches out with his free hand. Jared looks up and takes it as Jensen looks at him intently. “I’m sorry. I wish you never had to go through this nightmare for me. Because of me.”</p><p>Jared wipes his face with his other hand and offers Jensen a half smile. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m just so glad you’re here, that’s all.”</p><p>Jensen smiles back. “Well, someone has to sing your songs, right?”</p><p>Jared nods and chuckles. “Right.”</p><p>The comfortable silence settles on them for a few moments, then Jared suddenly remembers something.</p><p>“Hey Jen… where were you going that early in the morning? I thought you were going to Sony but apparently you didn’t have anything scheduled there. It’s been bugging me from the beginning. Do you… do you remember anything?”</p><p>Jensen frowns as he takes in the question, and remains quiet for a while. Eventually Jared thinks he sees a flash of something on Jensen’s face, but it’s gone in a second. His friend then blinks a few times and shakes his head.</p><p>“No, sorry. I can’t even remember getting into the car, I have no idea where I was going.”</p><p>Jared nods, wondering if they will ever find out.</p><p>
  <strong>Jensen</strong>
</p><p>Of course Jensen remembers where he was going that day. Once Jared brought it up, it didn’t take long for it all to come back to him. Jensen doesn’t remember the actual accident, he doesn’t even remember getting into the car. But his intentions are very clear in his mind now.</p><p>He was going to let Jared go.</p><p>Jensen decides not to share this with Jared, at least for now. He needs to think first, and also there are a lot of other things Jensen needs to worry about right now.</p><p>He’s truly fucked up in a lot of ways. Waking up felt like trying to step out of a very deep dream but it was like he just couldn’t reach the light, it was too far away. He remembers seeing Jared’s face, hearing his voice. Jensen wanted to wake up for him, to open his eyes to see Jared. He knows that at some point Jared promised he wouldn’t leave him, and that gave Jensen the strength to fight even harder.</p><p>Jensen knows he’s not in pain due to the amount of medication he was given, if it weren’t for that Jensen knows his body would be screaming. He can’t even begin to imagine what he will have to go through in order to make a full recovery. Especially now that he was beginning his career. This sucks. But hey, at least apparently there aren’t any permanent injuries so it could be a lot worse. It still sucks though.</p><p>Jared has told Jensen he has been in the hospital for over a week, and from the look on Jared’s face it was a difficult time. Apparently Jensen came really close to dying and he can’t even imagine what that did to those closest to him. His heart aches just from the sadness in Jared’s eyes, he hates himself for putting his friend through such a horrible experience.</p><p>Jensen doesn’t have the chance to talk more to Jared anymore before his mother arrives and is all over him in seconds. She gets emotional seeing Jensen awake, and Jared excuses himself to give them some space, claiming he is going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. Donna sits in the armchair and makes sure Jensen is okay, if he’s feeling any pain, all the nines. She informs him that Alan was here but had to return home last night because of work which couldn’t wait any longer. She attempts to get Jensen to facetime with him but he surprisingly doesn’t feel like talking much with his dad. Instead, he has something important to ask his mother.</p><p>“Mom… how was Jared doing during all of this?”</p><p>Donna shakes her head, giving Jensen a somber look. “Boy was a mess. He was the one the hospital called to inform about the accident since he’s listed as your emergency contact. From what I understand, that other nice boy that has been here a few times, Justin, brought him in. Jared has barely left the hospital during all those days. We had to force him to go home to get some rest, take a shower. And he only went if there was someone else here even though we were barely allowed to see you. He would claim he didn’t want you to be alone. I mean, we were all pretty shaken up of course, not knowing if you would pull through this. But the state Jared was in…” Donna gives Jensen an odd look. “That boy really loves you, Jensen. I have no doubt about it.”</p><p>Jensen studies Donna for a few seconds, considering her words. What comes out of his mouth next surprises even himself. “And that would be okay?”</p><p>Donna offers Jensen a significant smile. “Yes. You woke up from the coma when Jared was with you. He told me he had begged for you to open your eyes and you did. So yes Jensen, it would be okay.”</p><p>They share a look and Jensen feels a lot of things going on inside him, but they are interrupted by the doctor’s arrival.</p><p>He introduces himself and tells Jensen pretty much what Jared already had, but of course more detailed and technical. He informs Jensen that, if his condition doesn’t deteriorate and everything looks good, he may be going home in about a week. But he also tells him there will be a long recovery period ahead. Jensen will need to be on complete bed rest for about a month so his spine can heal correctly. He advises Jensen not to even move his arms much - or arm, since one is already immobilized in the sling - because he needs to stay still as much as possible. And then he will need to do a lot of physical therapy to get back in shape. Yes, that’s gonna royally suck.</p><p>Donna addresses the doctor. “Would it be possible to take him back to Dallas to recover?”</p><p>Jensen shoots a shocked look at his mother. Going back to Dallas? He doesn’t want to go back to Dallas. He wants to stay in New York with…</p><p>The doctor shakes his head. “That wouldn’t be advisable. The transport from New York to Dallas could be very hard on Jensen and if that was necessary, he would have to fly on an ICU aircraft. But I strongly advise that Jensen stays here for the time being.”</p><p>After the doctor answers a few more questions and excuses himself Donna turns to Jensen. “Your father thought it would be better to take you back to Dallas so we can take care of you, baby. I have to go back home soon as well, I wish I could stay here with you during your recovery period, but I just can’t.”</p><p>Jensen starts worrying about that. He does not wish to go to Dallas, and he agrees with the doctor that it would take a huge toll on his body. All he wants is to go back to his apartment with Jared, but he also can’t ask his friend to take care of his broken ass for God knows how long. It wouldn’t be fair to Jared. Jensen’s stressing tires him out, so he decides to get some rest and worry about it later.</p><p>*</p><p>By the time Jensen wakes up again, Jared is back with him. He offers Jensen a small smile.</p><p>“Hey. Feel like eating something? You must be starving.”</p><p>Jensen considers the question and realizes that he is indeed hungry. He nods and Jared quickly leaves the room, probably to ask for a meal. A couple of minutes later a male nurse enters the room carrying a tray. He greets Jensen with a smile and rises the back of his bed a bit so Jensen can lay more upright. The doctor had told him he won’t be able to sit up in a while. The nurse rolls the tray close to Jensen and picks up a bowl.</p><p>“Mr. Ackles, since your movements are limited I’m gonna assist with your eating, alright?”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widen, he does not want a nurse feeding him. Suddenly, Jared pops up right next to the guy, offering him a smug smile while taking the bowl from his hands.</p><p>“I’ve got it, thank you.”</p><p>The nurse looks from Jared to Jensen and back at Jared, who just raises an eyebrow. Jensen purses his lips in amusement watching the scene. The guy finally nods and leaves. Jensen chuckles.</p><p>“You totally killed his thunder.”</p><p>Jared smiles back, pushing the tray to the side and sitting on the edge of the bed next to Jensen. “He would totally tell everyone he knows he spoonfed Jensen Ackles.”</p><p>Jensen laughs but it dies as soon as he realizes he can’t even feed himself, and his face falls. “This sucks.”</p><p>Jared offers him a sympathetic smile. “I know. But come on, I’ll even do the airplane for you.”</p><p>Jared lifts the spoon and starts making engine noises, bringing it to Jensen’s mouth, and he opens it. “See? It wasn’t so hard.”</p><p>As Jared feeds him, Jensen feels more at ease. He’s thankful that Jared took over from the nurse. Jared does it with so much care and patience, gently wiping Jensen’s face whenever necessary, that Jensen feels his emotions welling up inside him. It’s the same thing he felt on that fateful night, and it’s back full force.</p><p>Jensen loves Jared so much. And he can’t believe he never realized it.</p><p>But now is not the time for this. Jensen still needs to figure out what to do and his mind is still not 100%. Plus, Jared himself said they shouldn’t talk about it and he must have his reasons for that. He was right, they should focus on Jensen’s recovery for now.</p><p>*</p><p>The afternoon brings visits from Chris, Steve and Jeff, all really worried about Jensen. Jeff puts him at ease by telling him he doesn’t need to worry about his career now, he can only focus on getting better and everything will be waiting for him when he is back in shape. Jeff also advises him to make a statement on social media, maybe record a video for his fans to let them know he’s going to be okay. Everyone has been very worried about him and Sony has been only releasing hospital reports so far. Jensen promises to do that later.</p><p>There’s something else bothering Jensen, and he voices it to the three of them.</p><p>“Does anyone know what happened to the bus driver that hit me? If he got hurt or even if someone else did? I keep thinking about it ever since Jared told me what happened, I’m worried sick that anyone else but me got hurt because of my stupidity.”</p><p>Jeff is the one who answers. “Well, we actually don’t know. Nobody filed for anything, we haven’t heard from other victims. But I can contact the bus company and see if I can find out anything, who was the bus driver that day and if he was okay.”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Yes Jeff, please do that. My mind won’t be at ease until I find out if I unknowingly hurt anyone else.”</p><p>Jeff nods back. “You got it.”</p><p>The afternoon passes while they keep Jensen company alongside Donna and Jared. Jensen is glad he can stay awake for longer periods now, even if he needs to avoid talking much since it makes him tired. The doctor comes to check on him and the guys all leave, promising to come back soon. In the evening Donna announces she’s leaving for the night, going back to their apartment where she’s staying for the time being - and once she’s gone, Jensen turns to Jared.</p><p>“I thought you were going back home with her?”</p><p>Jared frowns as if he can’t understand why Jensen is saying that. “Of course not. I’m staying the night with you.”</p><p>“Jay, you don’t have to do that. I’m okay, I can spend the night by myself. You’re gonna be all uncomfortable, I don’t want that.”</p><p>Jared brushes him off with a hand. “Bullshit. I’ll be okay on that sofa bed over there. It’s the perks of being famous dude, you get a hospital room that looks more like a hotel. Sorry but you aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”</p><p>Jensen smiles fondly at him. “Not planning to.”</p><p>Jared gives him a strange look but it lasts only a couple of seconds. Then he opens a smile and sits in the armchair next to the bed.</p><p>“So, did the doctor give any hints on when you’ll be allowed to go home?”</p><p>Jensen shrugs. “Well, he said that if everything goes well hopefully in about a week.”</p><p>Jared’s eyes widen. “Oh that’s awesome! We need to start making preparations so you can be properly taken care of back home!”</p><p>Jensen bites the inside of his cheek as he gives Jared a nervous look. “I’m hm… well, my mom said my dad thought it would actually be better if I went back to Dallas during this period, but the doctor said he doesn’t advise it.”</p><p>Jared’s face falls completely, looking like a kicked puppy all of the sudden. When he speaks again, his tone is entirely different than just seconds ago, he sounds hurt.</p><p>“You don’t want to go back to our apartment?”</p><p>Jensen purses his lip. “Come on Jay, don’t be like that. Of course I would like to come back to our apartment.”</p><p>Jared looks at him with big eyes and brows drawn together. He looks more like a sad pup than ever. “Then what’s the problem?”</p><p>Jensen sighs. “Isn’t it obvious? The doctor said I’m gonna be on bedrest for like a month, I need someone to basically babysit me 24/7 as I recover.”</p><p>“And you don’t think I can do it?”</p><p>“It’s not that Jay, I know that you can do it. It’s just that I’d never impose that on you. It’s too much. You basically would have to do everything for me, I won’t be able to even leave the bed in the beginning. How could I ask something like that from you?”</p><p>Jared frowns as if Jensen is speaking a foreign language. “How could you <em>not</em> ask me something like that? In fact, how can you think you even have to ask me something like that? Jensen you’re my best friend, and I almost lost you. Don’t you get it? You’re not imposing anything, I <em>want</em> to help you get better.”</p><p>Jensen studies Jared’s face for a few moments, looking for any signs of uncertainty only to find none, only affection and determination.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>Jared cocks his head to the side. “If our roles were reversed, would you want to do that for me?”</p><p>Jensen answers in a heartbeat, as if the question couldn’t be more obvious. “Of course I would, you know that!”</p><p>Jared raises an eyebrow. “Then there’s your answer. This conversation is over, you’re coming back to the apartment with me and we will get through your recovery together. Deal?”</p><p>Jensen offers Jared a smile. “Deal. I have one condition though.”</p><p>“Okay, let’s hear it.”</p><p>“We are going to get a nurse or something, maybe to come twice a day. I probably will need assistance to do my… business and get cleaned up and stuff. And I really don’t want you to have to wipe my ass Jay, there’s a limit to everything.”</p><p>Jared actually laughs, as if the mere idea of wiping Jensen’s ass couldn’t be more amusing. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Fine, we will get a nurse to help with the heavy stuff. But I got the rest, kay?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Thank you, Jay.”</p><p>Jared offers him a wink. “Glad to help.”</p><p>Jensen feels relieved that at least that’s taken care of. He’s going home with Jared and that’s what he wished for from the beginning.</p><p>*</p><p>Next morning Jensen asks for Jared to record a short video of him for his fans as Jeff suggested, so everyone can see he’s gonna be fine. He thanks everyone for the worry, well wishes and prayers, says he is gonna have a period of recovery ahead of him but hopefully will be back for more concerts soon. Jared posts the video on Jensen’s Instagram and it doesn’t take long for it to receive a record number of likes and comments.</p><p>During the afternoon, as Jared goes home to get some rest and some fresh clothes, Jensen receives a visit from Justin. Jensen is surprised, he hasn’t been expecting Justin’s visit at all.</p><p>“Hey Jensen…” Justin seems shy and out of place as he enters Jensen’s room. “Sorry, I just wanted to see how you were doing.”</p><p>Jensen deflates at that. He has misjudged Justin without even knowing the guy. He feels horrible for assuming Justin was only interested in Jared for the wrong reasons, and for throwing that in Jared’s face. Jensen realizes now the real problem was that he was jealous as fuck of Jared with Justin. He still is, he won’t lie, but now Jensen can see Justin is a nice guy, and maybe what Jared deserves. Someone who never took Jared for granted.</p><p>His mother had told him that Justin has been around a lot as Jensen was in the ICU, and that he was the one who brought Jared to the hospital when he got “the call”. Jensen had been right in assuming Jared spent the night at Justin’s after their fight. He offers a smile to Justin, showing a peace offering.</p><p>“No need to be sorry Justin, it’s okay. I’m doing much better, thank you.”</p><p>Justin relaxes a bit. “That’s great to hear. We were all very worried.”</p><p>Jensen purses his lips. “Thank you for looking after Jared during this period, for bringing him here. Look… I know I was kinda hard on you, I’m not sure if Jared told you or not but I really misjudged you without even really knowing you. So for that, I’m sorry. You seem like a great guy and you’ve been good to Jared.”</p><p>Justin brushes him off. “It’s fine, don’t mention it. And I’m just helping out a friend, that’s all. Jared was almost in shock when he got the call from the hospital, I’m glad someone was with him to take over. He was really, really worried about you.”</p><p>Jensen sighs. “Yeah, I wish I hadn’t put him through this. I’m glad at least I’m out of the woods.”</p><p>They stay in silence for a few moments, Jensen wants to ask what’s really going on between him and Jared, but he doesn’t have the guts to do so, not sure he wants to really hear it if Jared moved on. He has a feeling Justin wants to say something as well, but they are interrupted by Jensen’s mother arriving in the room. Justin takes it as a cue to leave, saying his goodbyes and wishing Jensen a good recovery. Jensen thanks Justin for his visit and the man leaves.</p><p>Jensen wants to hate him a bit for being such a nice guy and obviously good to Jared, but he can’t. Again, maybe that’s what Jared deserves. And Jensen wishes Jared only the best.</p><p>*</p><p>A week later, Jensen is finally discharged from the hospital so he can continue his recovery at home. The past week has been very uneventful, thankfully there were no set backs and Jensen progressed as expected. He needs help with pretty much everything, even the most basic stuff like going to the bathroom - which he actually doesn’t do, he needs to pee in a bag and the most humiliating of all, a nurse has to help him with number two - getting cleaned, getting fed. Usually Jared is the one who helps him to eat as he did the first time and that helps and doesn’t suck as much. But the doctor was very clear that Jensen needs to stay as still as possible, making no effort at all especially in the beginning so his spine can set correctly. Jensen really doesn’t want to have permanent problems so he’s gonna suck it up and go through these small humiliations in order to make a full recovery. They have hired a nurse as Jensen requested, so she can come over a couple of times a day to help with the harder stuff. Jared has also rented a hospital bed to put in Jensen’s room, the doctor told them it would be highly advisable that they got one during the period of Jensen’s bedrest so they could change Jensen’s position - during his meals for example - without actually moving his body too much, which could be dangerous to do with his spinal injury.</p><p>One thing that put Jensen much more at ease was knowing nobody else was hurt in the accident. Jeff had contacted the bus company, learning that the driver had been alone in the not in service bus and he was unharmed. Jeff had also learned an interesting fact - the driver and his kids were fans of Jensen, and were very worried about him. Jensen made sure to record a quick video for them, then made Jeff send them some merch and also promised them tickets for his first concert after his recovery period. Jensen also told Jeff he would cover all the expenses with the bus’ damage and Jeff took care of that as well.</p><p>Jensen is so eager to go home now. He knows it won’t be easy in the slightest, but it’s definitely way better than a cold impersonal hospital. He has no idea what is gonna happen with his Jared situation, but since Jared has indicated that he doesn’t wish to talk about it, at least for now, Jensen will respect that. Perhaps he doesn’t want Jensen to know yet that he has decided to give a real try with Justin. Maybe he wants to wait until Jensen is recovered to tell him. And that’s fine by him, Jensen can be a bit selfish and keep Jared to himself at least for a while longer. If Jensen is bound to lose Jared at the end of this, he is gonna make the most of the short time he has now.</p><p>Jared enters the room with a brilliant smile on his face.</p><p>“Ready to go home Jen?”</p><p>Jensen can’t help but smile back. “More than anything.”</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Jared</strong>
</p><p>Jensen needs to ride home in an ambulance since he can’t sit up just yet. He is a bit freaked out about this fact but Jared reassures him it’s gonna be fine, and makes sure to ride home with him, sitting right next to the gurney. Jensen is awake during the ride so Jared keeps telling silly jokes to make his friend more at ease.</p><p>Jared would be lying if he said he isn’t nervous. He was hurt when Jensen mentioned going back to Dallas to recover, of course if Jensen went Jared would too, there’s no point in staying in New York without him, but Jared wouldn’t have the chance to take care of Jensen back home. He wanted for Jensen to go back to their apartment, he wanted to be the one to help him - especially if it meant staying the fuck away from Jensen’s father. Jared lit up with pride when Jensen agreed to stay, that he trusts Jared enough to do it. It doesn’t mean Jared isn’t nervous as fuck, he never took care of someone like this before and he hopes he’s able to handle it and that Jensen makes a full recovery. He will do anything to make sure it happens.</p><p>They finally arrive and Jensen is taken up to their apartment. Jared had previously rented a hospital bed since the doctor specified that as a necessity to make it easier for Jensen. He had it placed in Jensen’s bedroom, thankfully it’s big enough to fit the thing next to Jensen’s own real bed, which hopefully he can return to soon. The paramedics carefully transfer Jensen to the bed and the nurse they had hired, Alaina, is there to help get Jensen settled. Donna is there as well, she’ll be staying with them for a couple of days before returning to Dallas.</p><p>Once Jensen is settled and Alaina has taken care of him, he is almost immediately asleep. Jensen still sleeps a lot and the doctor explained to them this is normal as Jensen recovers and his body heals. Alaina leaves and Donna goes to prepare some food for them. Jared decides to stay in Jensen’s room to keep him company, even if his friend is sleeping. He settles down on Jensen’s bed and turns on the TV, but he pays more attention to Jensen. He’s so glad Jensen is back home, that he’s alive. It’s a long road but it doesn’t matter, Jensen is here. Jared wonders what’s gonna happen now. Of course there’s a huge elephant in the room, the last conversation they had before everything went to shit, when Jared confessed his long-lasting love for Jensen. Jared really does want to know what Jensen thinks about it, but at the same time he can’t. He knows it’s much likely to happen what he always assumed it would, that Jensen would tell Jared he loves him as a friend.</p><p>After everything that happened, after nearly losing Jensen, Jared is really okay with being Jensen’s friend and nothing more. Really, he is. He made a promise after all, didn’t he? He promised to get over this, to take care of Jensen, to be his best friend for the rest of their lives and not ask for anything else. And he will fulfill this promise. The only thing that matters is that Jensen is okay.</p><p>It’s gonna be okay.</p><p>Jared finds <em>Return of the Jedi </em>starting on TV, and tries to ease his mind a bit by watching it. Halfway through the movie, a low voice startles him.</p><p>“That’s the best Star Wars movie.”</p><p>Jared turns his face to find Jensen giving him a small smile, and he smiles back. “It’s a tie between that one and <em>The Empire Strikes Back</em>, tho.”</p><p>Jensen raises an eyebrow. “Well maybe we could marathon all the movies now. We have some time to kill.”</p><p>“Oh we can marathon tons of sagas dude. We have a<em> lot </em>of time to kill.” Jared cracks open a smile. “We can do Harry Potter next!</p><p>Jensen scrunches his nose. “Are you really making me watch Harry Potter now?”</p><p>“Dude! I’ve been trying to do it for years, now it’s finally my chance!”</p><p>Jensen laughs and they spend some time watching Darth Vader - Jared loves him - on screen. Eventually Jared turns back to Jensen.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”</p><p>Jensen purses his lips. “Still damn tired and hurting a bit. This brace is uncomfortable. Can’t wait to get rid of it.”</p><p>Jared winces in sympathy. “I can imagine. But you know you need to behave right? So you can get back on your feet soon.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know.”</p><p>Right after the movie ends, Donna comes to check on Jensen and Jared takes the opportunity to leave them alone for a while and goes to take a shower. He also calls Chad and Justin to check on them and update them on how Jensen is doing.</p><p>Donna has cooked soup for them, so Jared puts some in a bowl for Jensen. He sits on a chair by his bed and props it up a bit so Jensen is in a more upright position - but not too much as Alaina instructed.</p><p>As Jared patiently feeds Jensen, his friend clears his throat and gives Jared a pointed look.</p><p>“Hey Jay?”</p><p>Jared sets the spoon down and raises his eyebrows. “Yeah?”</p><p>“I just… I wanted to thank you. You know, for everything you’re doing for me. I know it’s not easy for you. I really owe you one.”</p><p>Jared offers him a small smile. “You don’t owe me anything. I’ve told you this before, you’re my best friend and I almost lost you. What matters is that you’re here, we will get through everything else, alright?”</p><p>Jensen looks intensely at Jared. “You know I’d do this for you too, right?”</p><p>Jared nods. “Yeah, I know.”</p><p>It warms Jared’s heart.</p><p>*</p><p>Alaina comes back in the evening to check on Jensen again and Jared leaves them alone for the nightly routine. Jared is feeling nervous now that the first night at home is approaching. He would like to stay in Jensen’s bedroom so he can be close to Jensen in case he needs anything, but he also doesn’t know if his friend would want him there during the night. After what Jared confessed, perhaps Jensen would find it weird and Jared doesn’t know how to ask.</p><p>After Alaina leaves, Jared goes to see how Jensen is doing again and also to bring him some water. Jensen gives him a weird look, as if he wants to say something.</p><p>“Spill it, Jen.”</p><p>Jensen chuckles. “Can’t hide anything from you, can I? It’s just… can I ask you something?”</p><p>Jared nods. “Sure.”</p><p>“Would you… I mean, do you think you could sleep in here for now? I don’t want to be alone.”</p><p>Jared smiles at him, feeling his heart beating faster. He knows it must be hard for Jensen to admit something like this, that he trusts Jared so much and wants him close during the night.</p><p>“Okay I’ll stay if you promise not to snore.”</p><p>Jensen’s jaw drops as he stares at Jared. “Hey! You are the one who snores! I can hear it from across the hall! You know what, forget I said anything, I won’t be able to sleep with you snoring in my ear, go back to your room!”</p><p>Jared shakes his head and throws himself on Jensen’s bed. “Nah dude, no way! You’re stuck with me now! You’re gonna be so sick of me by the time you’re recovered!”</p><p>Jensen gives Jared a fond look and shakes his head. “That could never happen.”</p><p>Jared sleeps better that night than he has in weeks.</p><p>*</p><p>Donna leaves two days later, and as Jared walks her to the front door after she has said her goodbyes to Jensen, she hugs him tight.</p><p>“Thank you for taking such good care of my boy, Jared. You’re good for him.”</p><p>Jared smiles sincerely at her, wishing she had meant what he wanted her to with that.</p><p>Now it’s gonna be only Jensen and him for the most part, with the occasional visits from Alaina and also Chris and Steve who have been by already to see Jensen and promised to come back often.</p><p>The days go by and they fall into a sort of routine. Jared cooks for them, and always has his own meal in Jensen’s room after helping feed him, per Jensen’s request so they can keep each other company. Jared spends pretty much all of his time in Jensen’s room, except when he’s cooking or cleaning, or when Alaina comes over. He stays with Jensen whenever he’s hurting, gives him medication whenever needed, and also holds the phone for him as he facetimes with his family - Jared uses a headphone and listens to some music during those since he doesn’t want to intrude, even if Jensen said he doesn’t have to.</p><p>As Jared had suggested, they marathon Star Wars, Harry Potter and other sagas, as well as watch a bunch of other movies and TV shows. Jared also got a hold of some board games and they spend the afternoons playing - Jared always making adaptations to include Jensen in the game since he can’t move. Sometimes when Chris and Steve come over they all play together since it’s much funnier when there are more people.</p><p>But Jared always takes the opportunity to run some errands whenever the guys are over, he knows Jensen will be in good hands for a while. Plus Jared knows it’s good for both of them to spend some time apart, being together 24/7 isn’t good for anyone, no matter how close you are. Jared meets up with Justin sometimes as well, they usually go groceries shopping together and then for some coffee so they can catch up. They haven’t fooled around since before Jensen’s accident, they haven’t talked about it but came to an unspoken agreement. Things are too uncertain right now, Jared is 100% focused on Jensen’s recovery, and it’s probably better this way. Justin is an amazing friend to Jared and time will tell what will happen between them.</p><p>Even though Jensen is in a tough situation, Jared would be lying if he said he isn’t enjoying this closeness. He gets to be by Jensen’s side all the time, be everything he needs even if it’s for a finite period of time. Jared often wonders what will happen when Jensen is back on his feet. To the public eye they are still a couple, but Jared doesn’t know if he can keep up with this once things go back to normal, not after all the truth that came to the surface. They are ignoring it for now, called an unspoken truce, but Jared can feel it hanging over both their heads.</p><p>Despite all of this, Jared knows he’s gonna miss Jensen. Especially now that they are so close all the time, Jared knows he is already used to it. If he was smart, he would never have accepted this, taking care of Jensen when he has so many feelings churning inside. But at the same time, how could Jared have possibly said no? He knows he is bound to get - more - hurt once this is all over and they go their separate ways. Jensen will go back to his career, and to partying like he loves to do, and fucking around. And where Jared will be?</p><p>Probably back in Texas missing the days he got to have scraps of Jensen all to himself, wishing he could have that everyday but knowing he never will. Wishing he could share not only the bedroom with Jensen, but the bed as well.</p><p>Jared is pathetic.</p><p>He promises himself a lot of times that once this is over, he is gonna move on for good. Maybe with Justin or someone else entirely. But he needs to. He made a promise and he will stick to it. He will set Jensen free and try to find his own way. But, at the same time, he will be there for Jensen, always.</p><p>Jared is in the living room, having those thoughts for the hundredth time as Jensen takes a nap. As everything rolls over in his mind, he suddenly feels inspired. It has been ages since he has written a song, last time it had been in Justin’s home after Jensen had kissed him.</p><p>God that feels like years ago.</p><p>Jared takes his guitar as he remembers that one kiss they shared, how he had the chance to know what Jensen tastes like, for once. Jared wants to keep that forever, he hopes he never forgets what Jensen tastes like.</p><p>It felt like being in heaven, everything Jared has always dreamed about. What he still dreams about.</p><p>Jared starts writing words down on his notebook, and starts crafting a new song.</p><p>
  <strong>Jensen</strong>
</p><p>Jensen wakes up slowly from his nap. He has been managing to keep them shorter now, he’s able to stay awake longer. As usual he must stay still and he’s getting so tired of it, can’t wait to be able to at least sit up, change positions. God, take a proper shower. Jensen wants for this all to be over, but at the same time he wants for it to last a little longer.</p><p>Because he gets to spend all the time with Jared, and he knows this will much likely not happen when Jensen doesn’t need him anymore. Well, not physically at least. Jared will probably leave to move on with his life and where will that leave Jensen?</p><p>Sometimes Jensen wants to talk to Jared about their feelings, about what Jared had told him that day, what Jensen has learned about his own feelings. But Jensen is a damn coward, he doesn’t want to hear if Jared has already decided to move on and is just waiting for Jensen to get back on his feet. And he also doesn’t want for things to get weird between them, they are having an amazing time together even if Jensen needs to stay still as a log. He loves their afternoons spent playing board games, or watching TV. Jared cooks the things he knows Jensen loves, and he also helps Jensen to shave.</p><p>That’s probably one of Jensen’s favorite moments. Right after coming home he had asked Jared if he would mind shaving him, he didn’t want a full beard now especially since he had to be fed and could get pieces of stuff stuck in it. So Jared placed a towel on his neck and with all the care in the world, shaved Jensen’s face. He was so focused on it, his brows drawn together, Jensen knows Jared was making sure not to cut him. Jared had spreaded aftershave on Jensen’s face once he was done and his face was so close. Jensen wanted nothing more to close that distance, to taste Jared again, properly this time. But soon Jared was clearing his throat and gathering the stuff, going back to the bathroom. Jared has done it a few more times, and everytime he shaves him, Jensen wishes Jared would always do it. Forever.</p><p>Jensen is getting used to everything pretty fast. So yeah, as much as he can’t wait to be back in shape again, he wants to hold on to this makeshift reality, this bubble where it’s only Jared and him for as long as he can.</p><p>As Jensen starts paying more attention to his surroundings, he notices some sounds. It’s the distinct sound of a guitar playing, perhaps in the living room. Then comes the unmistakable sound of Jared’s sweet singing voice. Jared always feels embarrassed of his voice, claiming he doesn’t sing too well, that Jensen is the one with the angelic voice, but he’s wrong. Jensen loves Jared’s voice, it has a unique quality to it. He wishes he could convince Jared to record a song with him someday.</p><p>Jensen tries to focus more on the song, but he doesn’t recognize the melody. It sounds very nice though, and he wants to hear it closer. So he clears his throat.</p><p>“Jay??”</p><p>The music stops and Jared is walking into the bedroom within seconds. “Hey Jen! You okay? Need something?”</p><p>Jensen nods, giving Jared a smile so his friend knows he’s okay. “Actually I do. I want to hear the song you’ve been playing. It has a beautiful melody.”</p><p>Jared immediately blushes, lowering his head and scratching the back of it as he does when he’s nervous.</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Yeah, I am.”</p><p>He remembers what Jared confessed to him that night. <em>They were all about you.</em></p><p>Jared doesn’t move for a few moments and Jensen insists.</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>Jared gives him a shy smile and goes back to the living room, coming back with his guitar and his notebook. He sits down on the bed, placing the guitar on his lap and the notebook on the nightstand. He starts singing the song, not looking at Jensen as he does it. Instead he focuses on reading the words on the notebook and on the chords he’s playing.</p><p>
  <em>You and I must make a pact<br/>
We must bring salvation back<br/>
Where there is love, I'll be there<br/>
<br/>
I'll reach out my hand to you<br/>
I'll have faith in all you do<br/>
Just call my name and I'll be there<br/>
<br/>
And oh, I'll be there to comfort you<br/>
Build my world of dreams around you<br/>
I'm so glad that I found you<br/>
I'll be there with a love that's strong<br/>
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on<br/>
Yes I will, yes I will<br/>
<br/>
Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter<br/>
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after<br/>
Whenever you need me, I'll be there<br/>
I'll be there to protect you<br/>
With an unselfish love I respect you<br/>
Just call my name and I'll be there</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And oh, I'll be there to comfort you<br/>
Build my world of dreams around you<br/>
I'm so glad that I found you<br/>
I'll be there with a love that's strong<br/>
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on<br/>
Yes I will, yes I will</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you should ever find someone new<br/>
I know he'd better be good to you<br/>
'Cause if he doesn't, I'll be there<br/>
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah<br/>
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just look over your shoulders, <br/>
I'll be there, I'll be there, whenever you need me, I'll be there.</em>
</p><p>Jared finishes the song and Jensen stares at him, a myriad of emotions growing inside of him. Jared is looking at him with those kind eyes of his, and Jensen has never felt something so strong for anyone in his life. He just knows he needs to say something, so he clears his throat.</p><p>“Jay… I--”</p><p>Jensen is interrupted by Jared’s phone ringing. Jared startles, fishing the damn thing out of his pocket and answering it.</p><p>“Hey Justin!”</p><p>A small smile appears on Jared’s face and he gets up from the bed, moving the phone away from his ear so he can address Jensen.</p><p>“Hold on Jen, be right back!”</p><p>Jared leaves Jensen’s bedroom as he talks animatedly to Justin, and Jensen has a reality check. Maybe that was a sign, he really shouldn’t say anything. If Jared is moving on then Jensen shouldn’t do anything to confuse him. He replays the lyrics Jared just sang to him in his head. He isn't sure what Jared meant by those. Does he mean they should remain friends? That Jared will always be there for him but they should move on? Or does Jared mean <em>he</em> wants to be the one for Jensen?</p><p>Jensen really wants to ask but he doesn’t know how. He is afraid to know. Yep, he is such a coward.</p><p>Jensen thinks about his career that’s waiting for him when he’s back on his feet. The career that has always been Jensen’s dream. Or at least he thought so.</p><p>Then Jensen thinks about Jared not being by his side in the near future. And suddenly none of that makes sense anymore.</p><p>
  <strong>Jared</strong>
</p><p>Time passes and Jensen slowly makes some progress, Jared by his side through it all. After a few weeks he’s allowed to start moving a bit more. Though he still needs to keep his left arm immobilized because of the collarbone fracture, at least he can move his other arm, and can start feeding himself under Jared’s supervision. Jared is happy for it, of course, but he actually enjoyed feeding Jensen. He isn’t going to be selfish though, this means Jensen is recovering and that’s all that matters. Jensen is also allowed to start sitting up straighter on the bed for longer periods, starting with a few hours during the day so he can get used to it, and the periods slowly increase until Jensen gets to spend almost all day long sitting up.</p><p>After a little more than a month, a physical therapist starts visiting Jensen daily to begin some exercises. He can finally cautiously move his left arm since it’s healing pretty well. The therapist focuses a lot on Jensen’s legs since he has not used them for a while, and also works with Jensen so he can sit up on his own without support. He still needs to wear the brace at all times but hopefully he will get rid of it soon.</p><p>About a month and a half after Jensen has returned home, he is promoted to a wheelchair and he is so contagiously ecstatic about being able to leave the bed - and his room - that Jared is also over the moon. Jensen can’t wheel himself around since he’s still too weak for such effort so Jared happily does the job. They spend most of the day on the comfortable couch doing pretty much what they have been doing already, watching movies or TV shows and playing board games - but Jensen can now play on his own. A deck of cards is also added to the mix.</p><p>It may sound boring, but Jared loves every minute of it. Jensen is recovering pretty well and will be up on his feet in no time, and those moments where it’s just them will be gone. Jared tries to prepare himself for what’s going to happen once things go back to normal. By now he’s positive Jensen doesn’t feel the same way - not that Jared ever had any high hopes that he did - because surely Jensen would have said something by now, right? Yeah okay, Jared had said back in the hospital that they shouldn’t talk about it but that was because there were more important matters going on. Now that things are going fine and they are spending a lot of time together, perhaps Jensen would have brought it up if he actually felt something for Jared. Jared has already expressed to Jensen how he feels, so isn’t the ball in Jensen’s court now or some shit like that? Jared assumes Jensen hasn’t said anything as not to break Jared’s heart again, especially since they are spending all their time together now. Things could get awkward between them and Jared also doesn’t want that either.</p><p>So Jared tries to make peace with the fact that he won’t have Jensen, ever. It was only that one kiss and that will have to be enough. Jared tries to tell himself that it’s okay, he made a promise anyway, didn’t he? Jensen is here, alive, and on the right path to recovery. It’s everything he needed, everything he prayed for.</p><p>Jared is going to miss this like hell, though.</p><p>*</p><p>About a week later Jared takes Jensen to the hospital again for an appointment with the doctor - Jeff drives them. Jensen goes through a few procedures so the doctor can evaluate his injuries, and then informs them that everything is looking great. The fracture in Jensen’s spine is pretty much healed and they can get rid of the brace gradually, which makes Jensen almost scream with joy. He tells Jensen he can remove it before going to bed that night and then start wearing it a few hours a day until he can stop wearing it completely, under the supervision of his physical therapist. He may also start going to the rehab center instead of doing the exercises at home since of course the center has more equipment. Later that night Jared orders a great meal for them to celebrate the progress.</p><p>The next day Jensen takes his first shower, Jared places a plastic chair in the shower stall for him and leaves him alone to shower by himself - there’s only so much Jared can take. Finally being able to take a proper shower helps lift Jensen’s spirits a lot.</p><p>Jared starts taking Jensen to the rehab center everyday, and they spend the majority of the day there. At first Jensen suggested that Jared could go back home or do something else while Jensen was at the center but Jared just brushed him off, saying he wanted to follow his progress.</p><p>Truth is, Jared wants to stay with Jensen as much as possible since he is on borrowed time.</p><p>A few days later Jensen’s therapist tells him he doesn’t need to sleep on the hospital bed anymore, he can go back to his own bed.</p><p>That’s probably one of the worst days for Jared.</p><p>That night Jared enters Jensen’s bedroom to get his pillow and Kindle so he can take them back to his own bedroom just as Jensen is slowly wheeling out of the bathroom after his nightly routine.</p><p>Jared gives Jensen an awkward smile. “So… good night then.”</p><p>Jensen eyes the pillow Jared is holding and gives him a confused look. “Where are you going?”</p><p>Jared shrugs. “Well… back to my room. You can start sleeping on your own bed now, so you probably need it back. Plus you don’t need me all the time anymore. I’ll call tomorrow so they can come collect the hospital bed.</p><p>Jensen just stares at Jared with an unreadable look on his face, as if he wasn’t expecting this.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Jared tries to offer him an encouraging smile. “But that’s good, right? It means you’re gonna be back in shape in no time. Plus I won’t bug you to stay awake anymore so we can finish a movie or an episode of something. You can finally have your room all back to yourself.”</p><p>Jensen looks lost, it seems as if he wants to say something but nothing comes out of his mouth so Jared decides it’s his cue to leave. “You need help with anything?”</p><p>Jensen is already able to go from the bed to the chair and vice versa, but Jared wants to make sure he’s set. Jensen blinks a few times at Jared’s question, as if he was lost in thoughts.</p><p>“Yeah--yeah. I’ll be fine. Thanks. Good… good night Jay. I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.”</p><p>Jared walks across the hall to his room, it has been so long since he last slept here and it feels weird. He turns up the heat but it’s like the room remains cold for some reason and his own bed feels foreign. Jared doesn’t sleep too well that night. But he knows he needs to get used to it again since it’s how it’s gonna be from now on.</p><p>*</p><p>After about a couple of weeks Jensen starts taking his first unaided steps, having gathered enough strength and coordination in his legs again. Jared is there of course and gets emotional watching his friend walking again for the first time. He’s so happy for Jensen. They share a long, stand-up hug for the first time in a long time, and it feels like heaven. Jensen stares at Jared with tears in his eyes as Jared keeps his arms around him, since Jensen isn’t completely steady on his feet yet.</p><p>“Thanks for being here Jay, for going through this road with me. I won’t ever be able to thank you enough.”</p><p>Jared smiles back, tears filling his own eyes. “You know I’d do it as many times as needed, right?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “I’d do it too.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jensen’s parents come to visit for a few days, and Jensen is almost completely recovered by this point. He doesn’t need assistance for pretty much anything anymore. Jared tries to spend some time away from the apartment whenever Jensen’s parents are there, wanting to avoid Alan. Plus it’s good for him to start putting some distance between himself and Jensen. Justin asks him what he plans to do as they have some coffee. Jared is quiet for a few moments as he considers.</p><p>“I don’t know yet. Maybe go back to Texas for a while? I think some distance from Jensen would do us good. And now that he’s recovered, he doesn’t need me anymore.”</p><p>Justin frowns as he sips his frappuccino. “Aren’t you even gonna talk to him, Jared? Ask him how he feels about the things you told him that day? You never heard his side of the story.”</p><p>Jared shakes his head. “I don’t have to. Jensen’s silence has told me everything I need to know. If he had something to say, something I’d like to hear, he would have said it by now. We spent the last few months pretty much attached at the hip and he never brought it up. There were plenty of opportunities. He probably didn’t want to reject me so things wouldn’t get awkward between us. It’s okay though. I’ll move on. I’ll be okay.”</p><p>Justin lifts an eyebrow. “Really?”</p><p>Jared purses his lips and looks down at the table. “Eventually, yeah.”</p><p>*</p><p>It’s the last day that Jensen’s parents will be in town and they’re having dinner at their apartment, plus Chris and Steve are also coming. Jensen honestly invited Jared this time, he could tell his friend really wanted him there but Jared declined. He really doesn’t want for things to get awkward, and he would never jeopardize Jensen’s last night with his parents. They are leaving tomorrow morning and Jared wants for his friend to enjoy the last dinner with them. So he spends the evening at Justin’s, they watch a movie and order in. They would have gone out, but it’s not very good for Jared to be seen with Justin too much, especially at the movies or at a restaurant since he’s still supposed to be married to Jensen. They are gonna have to come up with some excuse once Jared figures out what to do and they can’t pretend to be married anymore.</p><p>By the time Jared arrives home, everyone is still there hanging out in the living room. Jensen smiles at Jared and invites him to join them but Jared politely declines, going to his bedroom. He takes off his shoes and sits on the bed to read a bit, and it’s not long before there’s a knock on the door. Assuming it’s Jensen, Jared tells him to come in.</p><p>Turns out, it’s actually Alan.</p><p>Jared is on his feet in an instant.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>Alan closes the door behind him but keeps his distance, giving Jared a menacing look.</p><p>“I’m gonna be quick because I told them I was going to the bathroom. I want you away from my son, Jared. It’s long overdue that you go on your own sinful way and leave Jensen alone. You’ve held him back enough already. He has already played this “gay couple” thing with you and he’s reached what he aimed for. Now this pathetic act can stop and you can disappear from his life. My son has a lot of talent Jared, he could go very far. And he doesn’t need you to reach the top, you don’t belong here with him. You think I don’t know you have <em>dirty </em>feelings for him? You think I don’t know you wish he would choose you? Well, he won’t. Wake up Jared, don’t be an idiot. Jensen is going to marry a nice girl and have children, they are going to have a perfect life, something you could never give him. You’ve done your thing already and Jensen doesn’t need you anymore. He won’t tell you this because he is too nice but I will. Get out of Jensen’s life, Jared. Let Jensen reach his goals. You are simply a sinful freak, you’re not good enough for my son and Jensen <em>doesn’t need you</em>. I hope I made myself clear.”</p><p>Alan leaves Jared’s bedroom with a last look at him that sends chills up his spine. Jared stays rooted to the spot, replaying Alan’s words in his mind. Tears stream down his face as he realizes Alan is probably right.</p><p>Jensen doesn’t need him. He has reached his goal, he’s famous now and he can go on with his career, he can go far. And he doesn’t need Jared holding him back, they don’t need to pretend to be a couple anymore. Jensen could be free to date whoever he wants without worrying about keeping up a married image.</p><p>He’s not good enough for Jensen. He never will be. Jared is just a geek who likes to write songs and Jensen has been kind enough to sing them, but now he can have much better song writers to create much better things for him to sing. Jensen can be the size of the world, and Jared will always be…</p><p>...only Jared.</p><p>Alan is right, he doesn’t belong here. He should go back to Dallas, perhaps go back to college, and leave Jensen to conquer the world. It has always been his dream after all, and Jared won’t be selfish, he won’t stand in the way.</p><p>Jared starts forming a plan in his mind, and by the time Jensen comes to check on him and say good night, Jared claims he has a stomachache from something he ate. He doesn’t open the door, tells Jensen he will see him in the morning and says good night.</p><p>He can’t look at Jensen, otherwise he will lose his courage to go through with his plan. Jared spends a few hours packing his stuff, thankfully there isn’t a lot so he can fit everything in just two suitcases. The hardest part is writing a letter to Jensen. It’s hard to put down in words what he wants to say. He places the letter inside an envelope and also adds the last song he has written for Jensen a couple of days ago while he wandered by himself in Central Park. He hopes Jensen likes it.</p><p>Around 5am Jared quietly leaves his room. He rolls the suitcases to the living room and places them by the door. Then he carefully walks to Jensen’s room and stops in front of his door, taking a few deep breaths. Gathering courage he opens it just a bit, and puts his head inside. He peeks at Jensen one last time, his friend is sleeping peacefully on his stomach, face turned towards Jared.</p><p>He will never get over how beautiful Jensen is.</p><p>Jared hesitates for a moment as he stares at Jensen’s face, but he blinks a few times and looks down. He’s doing the right thing, this is the right thing.</p><p>With one last look at Jensen, Jared quietly closes the door.</p><p>He props the letter up in front of the coffee machine, Jensen’s first stop in the morning. Jared wishes he was brave enough to say those words to Jensen himself, but it’s better this way.</p><p>Jared walks to the door and opens it, rolling the suitcases out to the hallway. He takes a last look around the living room, at the apartment where both of them went through so much. With a lump in his throat, Jared quietly closes the door behind him.</p><p>When Jared arrives in the lobby he calls for a cab, giving the guy directions to the airport. Jared turns off his phone and doesn’t look back as the cab pulls into the traffic.</p><p>It’s better this way.</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED...</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzLzUqdGBNo&amp;">Here's the song for this chapter.</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We reached the end of La Douleur Exquise! I'm so excited about this last chapter, couldn't wait to share with you guys! I really hope you enjoy it!</p><p>By the way there are two songs in this chapter that I'm very excited about (there's a third but it's not "official" lol), the last one in particular. I chose that song for this story for a number of reasons and I just couldn't WAIT to finally use it, I've been keeping it in secret for a long time. I'm adding the links for both songs in the end and I recommend listening to them. And I highly recommend opening the link for the last one for a very special reason which I'll talk about in the end notes as well. </p><p>So without further ado, here we go!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Jensen</strong>
</p><p>Jensen wakes up after a restless night and checks his phone to see what time it is. 10:25. He only managed to fall asleep after 3 am, there were so many things going inside his head that when he finally slept, it was out of pure exhaustion. But the late night was worth it though, because Jensen has made an important decision:</p><p>He is going to talk to Jared today, come clean with him.</p><p>Jensen’s mind wanders back to the conversation he had with Chris and Steve last night, which was what made him finally decide. His friends arrived before his parents, and they had a chance to catch up.</p><p>“So, where is Jared?” Chris asked as they got comfortable on the couch.</p><p>“He’s over at Justin’s I guess. He didn’t want to be here with my father,” Jensen answered, without managing to keep the displeased tone out of his voice.</p><p>Chris frowned. “What’s the problem? Isn’t that Justin dude nice or something?”</p><p>Jensen shrugged. “He’s alright. He’s <em>too</em> nice, actually.”</p><p>Steve gave Jensen a suspicious look. “And that’s a problem? Does he have a thing with Jared?”</p><p>Jensen tried to play cool. “Yeah, they have something going on I guess.”</p><p>Steve gave him a pointed look. “And you hate this because you’re jealous of Jared with that guy.”</p><p>Jensen gasped, wondering how come he had been so transparent. He tried to answer but nothing coherent came out of his mouth. Chris eyed him suspiciously.</p><p>“Jenny you’re jealous because Jared has another friend and not just you anymore?” Jensen didn’t answer, but he made a face that had Chris’ eyes go wide as saucers as it hit him. “Or is this not just a friend thing?”</p><p>Jensen had looked from Chris to Steve, trying to sense how they would react to this. “What if it wasn’t?”</p><p>Chris’ jaw dropped as this was a big revelation to him, however Steve remained unimpressed. Jensen had frowned at him. “Aren’t you surprised too?”</p><p>Steve had shaken his head. “Not really. I have suspected for a long time about Jared’s feelings for you actually.”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widened. “And how come you never told me that?”</p><p>“Because this was not my business. I assumed Jared wouldn’t want for anyone to know, especially you, and I would never betray him like that. If you were to ever find out, I assumed he would be the one to tell you.”</p><p>Jensen sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his tights. “He actually did just that.”</p><p>At his friends’ surprised faces, Jensen briefly told them what happened, how Jared told him he had always loved him, how he had left after that and Jensen realized that he too had feelings for Jared. How Jensen caused the car accident going after Jared once he realized he wasn’t worthy of him, that they needed to talk things through, and how Jensen would let him go. He told them how they never had that conversation because at first Jared said they shouldn’t talk about it when Jensen was still at the hospital, and then Jensen assumed Jared had already moved on with Justin, he didn’t want to bring that up again. He had assumed that was for the best.</p><p>Chris and Steve kept silent for a while mulling over Jensen’s story. Chris was the first to speak up.</p><p>“Okay but… now you are recovered and don’t need Jared’s care anymore. You’re gonna go back to your career and all. What’s gonna happen now?”</p><p>Jensen shrugged. “I dunno. Jared probably won’t want to keep up with this pretend marriage thing, he’ll want to move on with his life. Maybe with Justin I don’t know. And I’ll focus on my career.”</p><p>Steve leaned forward as well as he looked at Jensen intensely. “Jensen… you really love Jared as well? Like, for real? Want him for the rest of your life and all that shit?”</p><p>Jensen sighed, feeling dejected. “More than anything.”</p><p>Steve frowned, looking at him with a puzzled face. “And you’re gonna let him go, just like that? You assumed he has moved on from you and that’s it? You won’t even <em>talk </em>to him about it?”</p><p>Jensen looked from Steve to Chris. “You think I should?”</p><p>Chris scoffed, giving Jensen a look as if his friend had lost his mind. “Obviously! You can’t leave things like that Jenny, you need to come clean with Jared and let him decide! <em>You</em> know he loves you, but <em>he doesn’t know you love him</em>. I think you are forgetting this detail. He deserves to know the truth, you don’t even know if he wants to move on from you! You’re not being fair to him, making this kind of big decision <em>for</em> him!”</p><p>Jensen stared at both of his friends, trying to get his point across. Jensen hadn’t even considered this. “But… but I hurt him a lot. He deserves someone better than me.”</p><p>It was Steve who answered. “That’s up for Jared to decide, Jensen. And you must give him this choice. But you never told him how you feel.”</p><p>Jensen had tried to consider his friend’s words, he needed to think, but his folks chose that moment to arrive, effectively ending that conversation. He only had time to think once he went to bed, hence the reason why he stayed up so late.</p><p>But Chris and Steve were right, and Jensen can’t believe how stupid he has been. Jensen has never told Jared how he feels, and Jared has the right to know. He needs to have all the information to make his decision and it’s up to Jensen to provide said information. Today. He will sit down with Jared today and tell him he loves him back.</p><p>Jensen feels nervous but he’s also excited. He has never told anyone something like this before.</p><p>Well, Jensen has never <em>loved </em>anyone like this before. No, scratch that. He <em>has</em>, only he didn’t know. He has always loved Jared. And today he’s gonna tell him.</p><p>Jensen slowly gets up and goes to the bathroom for a piss, washing his face and brushing his teeth. He’s still a bit slow, especially in the mornings before his body loosens up and gets going. But he will get there.</p><p>Jensen steps out of his room, his heart beating faster with the prospect of seeing Jared. He wants to talk to him right away, can’t wait any longer. Jensen checks the living room but Jared isn’t there. And as far as he can see, he’s not in the kitchen either.</p><p>He walks back down the hall and checks Jared’s bedroom but he isn’t there either. And something in the room feels off, feels empty. Jensen decides to go to the kitchen to make himself some coffee so he can think clearer. When he arrives there, he notices an envelope propped up against the coffee maker. There’s a single word written in Jared’s unmistakable handwriting.</p><p>
  <em>Jen</em>
</p><p>Jensen’s heart hammers in his chest as he takes the envelope as if it’s a ticking bomb, and sits at the counter. He stares at it for a few minutes before gathering up the courage to open it. He’s dreading what he will find, this doesn’t feel right somehow. He removes the folded piece of paper from inside and holds it in his hands before taking a deep breath and unfolding it. Jensen starts reading the same neat handwriting.</p><p>
  <em>Jen,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry to do this via a letter. I know I should have talked to you face to face but perhaps I’m too much a coward. I’d never have the guts to go on with my plan if I did this while looking at you. I dunno when you’ll be waking up, but there’s a chance I’ll be halfway to Dallas as you read this, or already there.</em>
</p><p>Jensen brings a hand to his mouth and his heart suddenly stops. Jared went back to <em>Dallas</em>?? What the fuck? He forces himself to read the rest of the letter.</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye and you’re probably in shock right now, but it was for the best. I wouldn’t have been able to do it in person. But I know you’re gonna be okay. I had to do it, Jen. It’s gonna be better for both of us. You’re already back on your feet and ready to get back to your career, you don’t need me anymore. So I figured it was time for me to go on my way. I promise I’ll be okay, I just need some time. Like I already told you, it was great being by your side these past weeks, helping you through your recovery, I’d do it again ten thousand times. And the only thing that matters to me is that you’re alright. But I really need some time on my own to be able to get over this. I hope you understand. Now you need to focus on your dream. I know your success will only grow and you, more than anyone, deserve it. This isn’t a permanent goodbye, of course not. You’re my best friend and I need you in my life. But like I said, I really need some time away. It’s for the best, Jen. Most of all, it’s the best for you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love,<br/>Jay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>PS: I wrote one last song for you. I hope you like it.</em>
</p><p>Jensen can’t move for several minutes, he reads the letter over and over as if the words could magically change somehow. Why did Jared leave like this? What happened? Why did he assume Jensen doesn’t need him anymore? Well, Jensen doesn’t need him physically now, but he always needs Jared by his side. Jensen knew there was a big possibility Jared would move out to go on with his life once things went back to normal, but it doesn’t mean he was ready for it. Especially since Jensen didn’t even have a chance to talk to Jared, to have this done over a letter.</p><p>Jensen hides his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the counter. This can’t be happening. Suddenly he remembers Jared’s last words and checks inside the envelope. Sure enough there’s a smaller piece of paper there, so he carefully unfolds it to read Jared’s lyrics.</p><p></p><div class="bbVIQb">
  <p></p>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>It's a little bit funny, this feelin' inside</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I'm not one of those who can easily hide</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I don't have much money, but boy, if I did</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I'd buy a big house where we both could live</em>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>If I was a sculptor, but then again, no</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Or a man who makes potions in a travelin' show</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Oh, I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do</em>
      <br/>
      <em>My gift is my song and this one's for you</em>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>And you can tell everybody this is your song</em>
      <br/>
      <em>It may be quite simple but now that it's done</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I hope you don't mind</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I hope you don't mind</em>
      <br/>
      <em>That I put down in words</em>
      <br/>
      <em>How wonderful life is while you're in the world</em>
    </p>
  </div>
</div><div class="bbVIQb">
  <p>
    <em>I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Well, a few of the verses, well, they've got me quite cross</em>
    <br/>
    <em>But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song</em>
    <br/>
    <em>It's for people like you that keep it turned on</em>
  </p>
  <p></p>
  <div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
    <p>
      <em>So excuse me forgettin', but these things I do</em>
      <br/>
      <em>You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean</em>
      <br/>
      <em>Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen</em>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb WRZytc xpdxpnd">
    <p>
      <em>And you can tell everybody this is your song</em>
      <br/>
      <em>It may be quite simple but now that it's done</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I hope you don't mind</em>
      <br/>
      <em>I hope you don't mind</em>
      <br/>
      <em>That I put down in words</em>
      <br/>
      <em>How wonderful life is while you're in the world.</em>
    </p>
  </div>
</div><p>Tears stream down Jensen’s face as he finishes reading, he doesn’t even know the melody to this and yet, it’s one of the most beautiful songs he has ever seen. Jared is so amazing, he has such a gift.</p><p>And now he’s gone.</p><p>Jensen rushes back to his room and grabs his phone, making a call to his friend, but it goes to voicemail. Dammit. Jensen goes back to the kitchen to make himself some coffee, he really needs it. As he watches the liquid dripping into the pot, his mind wanders.</p><p>He was going to talk to Jared today. He would tell him everything. Now he’s gone. Jensen wants nothing more than to go to the airport and catch the first flight to Dallas so he can talk to Jared, but his doctor advised him not to travel for a couple of weeks since it could take a toll on his still recovering spine.</p><p>But dang, he really needs to talk to Jared, now more than ever. Jared has asked for some time and Jensen really wants to give it to him, to respect his wish, but on the other hand Jared needs to know the truth. Like the guys said last night, Jared needs to know how Jensen feels. He wishes he could find a good way to tell Jared that, the way he deserves to hear it.</p><p>Jensen spends the next couple of hours trying to repeatedly call Jared, but without luck. Eventually he calls Sherri and she does pick up, she’s nice to Jensen but gently lets him know that Jared doesn’t wish to talk to anyone. He asks her if Jared arrived in Dallas alright and she assures Jensen that he did, which puts Jensen slightly more at ease. He can’t stop being worried about Jared.</p><p>Eventually Jensen finds himself in Jared’s room, everything is empty now, mirroring how he feels inside. He sits on Jared’s bed, feeling devastated and at a loss of what to do. Jared said in the letter - which Jensen reads for the 200th time - that he should focus on his dream.</p><p>Jensen isn’t even sure if that’s his dream anymore. Without Jared here, nothing makes sense. Everything feels empty and dull. Jensen walks back to the living room and looks out the floor-to-ceiling windows, and he remembers how excited Jared was when he first saw those. Jared is in every single spot in this apartment, Jensen doesn’t want to be here without him. It was hard enough when Jared had moved back to his own bedroom after Jensen was allowed to resume sleeping in his own bed. He had gotten so used to sharing a room with Jared, they would stay up watching movies or whatever, or talking about a number of things. Jensen realized back then that this is what he wanted, not only during that recovering period. When Jared announced he was going back to his own bedroom Jensen felt a pang in his heart, an emptiness he couldn’t even describe to himself. He barely slept that night, everything felt so quiet, so hollow. He even missed Jared’s snores.</p><p>How can Jensen stay in this apartment without Jared? Everything feels lifeless now.</p><p>A few hours passes with Jensen drowning in his sorrow and trying to figure out what he’s supposed to do now, when the doorbell rings. For a crazy second Jensen wonders if Jared changed his mind and came back, so he rushes to open the door. But it’s not Jared he finds on the other side.</p><p>It’s Justin.</p><p>Jensen deflates and gives him an annoyed look.</p><p>“What are you doing here? It’s not a good time.” Jensen knows he sounds harsh but at the moment he really doesn’t care.</p><p>Justin offers him a timid smile in greeting. “I really need to talk to you, Jensen. And I’m positive you will want to hear what I have to say. Trust me, it’s important. It’s about Jared.”</p><p>Jensen’s heartbeat speeds up, and he opens the door wider in a silent invitation. He motions to the couch so Justin can sit there, and grabs two beers. He hasn’t had one in a while because of his meds but he’s off almost all of them by now, and he could really use a drink. He hands one to Justin and sits down, giving him a pointed look.</p><p>“Okay shoot. What do you have to say about Jared?”</p><p>Justin purses his lips. “I know why he left, Jensen. The real reason.”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widen in shock. “What?? What do you mean ‘real reason’?”</p><p>Justin takes a sip of his beer. “Jared called me a couple of hours ago, said he wanted to let me know he went back home so I wouldn’t worry about him. I asked him what happened, and he didn’t want to tell me at first but I managed to get it out of him.” He gives Jensen an intense look. “I know he would kill me if he knew I was here. But Jensen, you need to know. It’s not fair that you keep believing Jared only left because he thought you guys needed some space from each other. That’s why I’m here, and I hope I’m doing the right thing by telling you.”</p><p>Jensen swallows hard and leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, eager to hear whatever Justin has to say. If there’s a real reason, he needs to know. “Okay please Justin, tell me.”</p><p>Justin takes a deep breath and studies Jensen before speaking. “It was your father, Jensen. He had a chat with Jared last night when he came back home from my place. That’s what made Jared decide to leave.”</p><p>Jensen’s jaw drops in shock. His dad had a talk with Jared? Last night? When? What about? “What did he say?”</p><p>“Well, the gist of it is that he told Jared he should get away from you, that he isn’t good enough for you, a bad influence, some shit like that. He said you don’t need him anymore, that you can be even more famous now and that Jared would only hold you back. I’m sure there’s a lot more, Jared didn’t tell me everything, but that’s the basic of it. After that conversation, Jared made the decision to leave. He came to the conclusion that your father was right, that he was doing the right thing, for you.”</p><p>Jensen’s shock is so huge he has a hard time breathing. “But my father isn’t right! He didn’t have the right to talk to Jared like this!” Jensen lowers his head, resting it in his hands. “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening.”</p><p>Justin stays silent as he allows Jensen to process all this information. Jensen feels as if his brain is going to explode. Eventually he looks at Justin again, tears falling down his face. “I’m such an idiot. I had so many chances to tell Jared how I feel about him and I wasted them all. And the irony is that the very same day I decide to come clean with him, my dad beats me to it and makes Jared leave. I can’t fucking believe it.”</p><p>Justin frowns. “And how<em> do </em>you feel about Jared?”</p><p>Jensen licks his bottom lip, emotions taking over him. “I love him so much, Justin. I only figured it out that night he confessed his love for me. I was so stupid. I came to the conclusion I didn’t deserve him because of all the shit I put him through, and I wanted to talk to him ASAP. I was going to Sony when I had the accident, I was going to try and see if I could get your address. I assumed Jared was with you and I was in a rush to talk to him.”</p><p>Justin brings a hand to his mouth and his eyes widen. “Does Jared know about this?”</p><p>Jensen shakes his head. “No, I never told him. At first he had said he didn’t want to talk about it while I was in the hospital, and then I assumed you guys were together and I didn’t want to get in the way if Jared was moving on. I thought it was better if I didn’t tell him anything.”</p><p>Justin looks at Jensen and slowly shakes his head. “Holy shit Jensen, you got it all wrong. First of all, we were never together. Jared and I fooled around a few times, but it was never serious. We became friends and we were attracted to each other but it was only a friends with benefits thing. There weren’t feelings involved, I promise. In fact, we haven’t been together ever since before your accident. I always knew it was temporary. Jensen, I always knew it was only a matter of time.”</p><p>Jensen frowns. “A matter of time for what?”</p><p>Justin cocks his head to the side. “I always knew Jared was yours, Jensen. It was a matter of time for you guys to end up together. If you ever got your heads out of your asses, that is. Jared assumed you didn’t bring that conversation up again because you didn’t feel the same way about him and didn’t want to make things uncomfortable between you guys, since Jared was still helping you and spending pretty much 24/7 by your side.”</p><p>Jensen absorbs Justin’s words and it’s like someone is dropping a bucket of ice water on him. He can’t believe this. He could never assume Jared would read his silence as Jensen not wanting to tell him he didn’t feel the same way.</p><p>“Oh my God, I’m such an idiot.” He whispers more to himself than to Justin, who nods vigorously.</p><p>“Yes you are. You and Jared both. You’re both in love with each other and couldn’t even have a damn conversation to figure things out.”</p><p>Jensen blinks a few times as he stares at Justin. “Thanks--thank you for coming here to tell me this. I really appreciate it, you’re a good friend. Sorry about everything.”</p><p>Justin offers him a genuine smile. “It’s fine. I know you’re a good guy and you really love Jared. That’s why I’m here. I want to help you guys fix it and have your happy ending. Call me matchmaker or fairy godfather, whatever.”</p><p>Jensen can’t help but chuckle, but quickly turns serious again. “I need to do something, Justin. I need to talk to Jared. But I want for it to be special, you know? He deserves it. Can I count on you?”</p><p>Justin gives him a mischievous smile. “Of course you can! Do you have anything in mind?”</p><p>There’s actually an idea forming in Jensen’s head. That would definitely be special, if he can pull it off. He nods at Justin, giving him a side smile. “Yeah, I do. Go big or go home, right?”</p><p>*</p><p>
  <strong>A Month Later</strong>
</p><p>It’s early in the morning and Jensen is in his seat on one of Sony’s private jets taking him, plus Chris, Steve, Jeff and the crew to Dallas. He watches through the window as the plane takes off and New York falls behind. He is so incredibly nervous for tonight, he hopes everything will go as planned. He hopes Jared <em>goes</em>. He remembers months ago when Jared joked that he would want to fly on Jensen’s private plane when he became really famous. Jensen really wishes Jared were here.</p><p>Jensen reflects on the previous few weeks. Justin’s visit made Jensen reexamine a lot of things and also make some decisions. Later that same day Jensen Facetimed with his father, and it was far from pleasant. Jensen had demanded for Alan to explain to him why he had talked to Jared that way. An argument started, Alan accused Jared of running to Jensen to tell him about their conversation, and Jensen explained to his dad it wasn’t the case, Jared didn’t even know Jensen was aware of the conversation. Alan turned very angry and pretty much repeated what he had said to Jared, leaving Jensen beyond shocked. He always knew his dad was intolerant but sadly, he never did anything to stop it. But right then he was so mad, so frustrated, so<em> done</em>, that he told Alan the whole truth.</p><p>“I love Jared, dad. It took me a hell of a long time to figure it out, but I do love him. And as soon as I’m cleared to travel, I’m going after him.”</p><p>Alan turned as red as a tomato, screaming that no son of him would ever be a fag, a freak, a sinner. Jensen’s heart broke hearing his own father talking to him like this, with so much hate. He couldn’t understand why someone would think like that about a sentiment so pure, so beautiful.</p><p>Jensen swallowed down his tears as he said to his father, “Dad, please, don’t force me to choose. Because if it comes down to it, it will be Jared. I won’t give up on the person I love because you’re a bigot who can’t accept that your son is in love with a man.”</p><p>Alan stared at Jensen so harshly that he could feel it burning his skin even if he was seeing the man only through a screen. “I guess you made your choice then. Goodbye, Jensen.”</p><p>Jensen hasn’t heard from his dad ever since. It hurts, yes, but Jensen won’t back down, ever. If his father would rather cut Jensen out of his life only because of whom he loves, then he doesn’t love Jensen as he should, as a real parent should. So Jensen is trying to get over it, focusing on what he’s about to do.</p><p>He has talked to Jeff and came up with a plan to try and win Jared’s heart. Jensen hopes it’s epic. If it fails and Jared doesn’t want anything to do with him, it’s also gonna fail epically. But he’s willing to give it a shot. Jensen has asked Jeff to work out his comeback with Sony, he wanted to perform an acoustic gig in Dallas. Main reason for an acoustic gig is that Jensen isn’t fully back in shape yet and it would be too hard on his still healing body to be up and around the stage for a couple of hours. So doing acoustic, Jensen can sit on a stool and it will be easier on him. The perfect way to start getting his career back on track. Jensen had demanded that they do the comeback in Dallas in order for his plan to work. He and Jeff had a meeting with the high executives at Sony because Jensen wanted them to know what he was planning to do in front of the entire audience. Surprisingly enough, they actually thought it could work and make the fans like Jensen even more. It was a shot in the dark though since fans are always unpredictable. But Jensen really doesn’t care, even if everyone hates him afterwards. It’s what he feels in his heart he must do.</p><p>Now the other part of the plan has to work and Jared must attend the gig, otherwise it will all be for nothing. Justin is in on the whole plan and agreed to help, he has been a really good friend. He contacted Jared, telling him he wished to go visit him in Dallas for a few days, and Jared invited him to stay in the spare room at his place - he is currently staying with his folks as he figures out his next steps - and Jensen sent Jared, through Justin, an envelope with the concert ticket and a small letter asking for him to come. Jensen had also invited Justin, of course, since he claimed he needed to be there for the grand finale, as well as Chad and Sophia, Jared’s parents and his own mother. Alan didn’t receive an invitation.</p><p>Jensen settles down for the flight and puts on his headphones, choosing a random playlist with old songs and hitting play. The lyrics to the first song hit him as a punch to the gut.</p><p>
  <em>I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I know you were right believing for so long</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm all out of love, what am I without you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong</em>
</p><p>Jensen rearranges himself on the seat, suddenly feeling each of those words burning a hole in his soul. He misses Jared so much. He hasn’t seen or talked to him in a month, which is way more than they ever went without speaking to each other. It feels like a part of Jensen is missing, like his heart isn’t entirely whole without Jared. God, Jensen misses him, his face, his smile, the sound of his laughter, his voice... everything. Jensen feels like he’s suffocating without Jared.</p><p>
  <em>I want you to come back and carry me home</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Away from this long lonely nights</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Does the feeling seem oh so right</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And what would you say if I called on you now</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And said that I can't hold on</em>
  <br/>
  <em>There's no easy way, it gets harder each day</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone</em>
</p><p>The lyrics penetrate Jensen’s brain and new words start popping up in his mind. He pauses the song so he can pay attention to what’s going on inside him. Jensen suddenly gets up and asks Chris if he can borrow his acoustic guitar. Then he grabs a notepad and a pen and hurries to the back of the plane, where there’s a small bedroom. Jensen sits down on the bed and starts scribbling down the words and sentences forming in his head. He’s no song writer, has never been. That was always Jared’s job, he is the one with the talent to come up with beautiful words strung together into songs. But right now, as Jensen thinks about Jared, as his heart screams for him so loud it’s almost unbearable, as if Jared is present in every single cell of Jensen’s being, he finally feels inspired to write his first song.</p><p>Jared’s songs have always been about Jensen. And now Jensen is going to write a song for Jared.</p><p>
  <strong>Jared</strong>
</p><p>Jared stares at the concert ticket in his hands, just like he has done countless times ever since Justin gave him the envelope a couple of days ago. Jared had been happy that Justin asked if he could visit, even invited him to stay with him since he has been living in his parents’ house as he figures out what to do next.</p><p>One of the first things Justin did after arriving was to hand him an envelope, only saying he was asked to give it to Jared. When Jared took it and turned it over, he saw a word written there, instantly recognizing Jensen’s writing.</p><p>
  <em>Jay</em>
</p><p>Jared had a flashback to the day he wrote his own letter to Jensen, before fleeing from the apartment. Taking a deep breath Jared took the letter out of the envelope. It was very short actually.</p><p>
  <em>Jay, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>This is for you. I really hope you can make it, that’s all I’m asking. Please.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jen.</em>
</p><p>Frowning, Jared had reached inside the envelope to find a concert ticket. Jared’s eyes widened as he realized Jensen would be playing in Dallas in two days time. He had looked at Justin with raised eyebrows.</p><p>“What is this? How did this end up with you? What do you know about it? Are you going too?”</p><p>Justin chuckled and raised his palms in front of him. “Hey, I was just asked to give this to you. I am going too, Jensen invited me, that’s part of the reason why I’m here. He also sent invitations to Chad and his girl, your folks as well. And that’s all I’m saying.”</p><p>Jared eyed Justin suspiciously, since when was he in touch with Jensen? He didn’t ask further questions though, but settled into a turmoil that started in him since he put his hands on that ticket.</p><p>Should he go?</p><p>He left New York because it was the right thing to do, he thought Jensen and he needed some time apart. He still hurts so much, the love he feels for Jensen burns under his skin, keeps him awake at night. It kills him to be away from Jensen, not to see him or hear his voice. But at the same time Jared knows he needs to get over him. He’s doing this for Jensen too. So they can both move on. The rational thing to do is to stay the fuck away from this concert, where Jensen will be singing all the songs that Jared wrote, the songs that hurt so much.</p><p>But on the other hand, how can Jared<em> not </em>go? Jensen is his best, oldest friend. Jared doesn’t love Jensen only romantically, he loves Jensen for everything he is. He came really close to losing Jensen, and this is his comeback. His first gig as a famous singer in their hometown, and Jared knows how important, how huge this is. Plus, Jensen asked for his support. Even though it’s gonna hurt to see Jensen, to sit there watching him sing, Jared knows he has to go. And he misses Jensen so much it hurts him physically. It’s like a part of Jared isn’t attached to himself anymore, he’s not whole without Jensen.</p><p>Chad and Sophia arrive at their place for dinner before the concert, Jared’s mom wanted to make it a special occasion since Justin is here too. Chad catches Jared alone in his bedroom as Sophia chats with Justin downstairs.</p><p>“Hey man… wanted to see if you decided if you’re going to the gig or not?”</p><p>Jared smiles at his friend, always worried about him. “Yeah… I’m going. It’s gonna be painful, but how can I not go, Chad? It was never really an option and deep down I always knew it. You know I have to.”</p><p>Chad nods. “I know you do. Good thing we are gonna be there with you, huh?”</p><p>Jared nods. Chad is damn right.</p><p>*</p><p>They arrive at the venue a few minutes before the gig is scheduled to start. They take their front row seats, Jared right in the middle. It’s a more intimate venue and since it’s a smaller acoustic gig, everyone is sitting down for it. Jared knows he could have gone backstage to see Jensen if he wanted, but he chooses not to. Jensen has asked for him to go see the gig and that’s what Jared will do. When it’s over, he will go back to his place and move on with his life - he still needs to figure out what that will be.</p><p>The spotlights finally light up the stage and Jensen is announced, causing everyone to cheer and clap. Jared’s heart is pounding in his chest as Jensen takes the stage. Jared can see Jensen is still a bit slow on his feet, still not back to 100%. Perhaps that’s why he chose to go with an acoustic comeback gig.</p><p>Jensen sits down on the stool front and center on the stage, and he begins searching the audience. When his eyes meet Jared’s, Jensen breaks into the widest possible smile. Jared can see his friend exhaling, as if he’s relieved to see Jared here, as if he wasn’t sure if Jared would come.</p><p>Jared smiles back at him, and they share an intense moment. Jared feels emotions rise and he gives Jensen a slow nod.</p><p>
  <em>You got this. I’m here for you. </em>
</p><p>Jensen apparently feels it because he nods back, finally addressing the crowd.</p><p>“Good evening Dallas!” He gives everyone a moment to cheer back loudly. “I’m so incredibly happy to be back here tonight! As you guys know I’ve been through some tough times lately but luckily I’m back now. And there’s no better place to start over than in my hometown. We are doing an acoustic set tonight since this recovering dude here can’t stay upright for too long yet, but I promise this will be good. Thank you for being here with me tonight and I hope you enjoy the show!”</p><p>People go wild and Jared can’t help but feel the excitement as well. He’s so happy for Jensen.</p><p>Jensen goes through his repertoire and Jared tries to swallow down his hurt so he can enjoy it. Jensen sings beautifully as he plays his acoustic guitar, followed by Chris and Steve flanking him. Jared gets lost in his beautiful voice, and catches himself wishing this would never end so he could see Jensen for longer. The future is uncertain and Jared isn’t eager to go back to his dull Jensen-less life.</p><p>As Jensen finishes what Jared assumes is the last song, he is quiet for a few moments. The whole venue falls silent as Jensen lowers his head, as if deep in thought, and Jared wonders what’s going on.</p><p>Finally, Jensen raises his head and his gaze finds Jared. He gives himself a nod and gets up, grabbing the mic from the stand and walking to the side of the stage to hand his guitar to a roadie. Then he returns to the middle of the stage, perfectly aligned with Jared. He doesn’t sit though, instead he stays standing, holding the mic with both hands and Jared can see him taking a deep breath. Jared holds his own breath in anticipation.</p><p>“Hey guys…” Jensen starts with a trembling voice, he’s clearly nervous with whatever he’s about to say. “I want to say some things before we move on to the last song. The truth is, there’s another reason I decided to come down here for my comeback gig. Actually, the main and only reason.” Jensen’s eyes land on Jared, who can feel the intensity of the gaze burning his skin, his heart beating loud as a drum in his chest.</p><p>Jensen goes on. “You see, I need to confess something. Turns out I haven’t been honest with you guys. And now it’s time to come clean.” Jared’s eyes widen in shock. Jensen isn’t… “I know I’m gonna give you all the reasons to hate me, but please hear me out. I hope that by the time I’m done, you can forgive me and understand my reasons.” Jensen takes another deep breath. “The truth is that Jared and I were never married. I wasn’t even gay.”</p><p>
  <em>WHAT?</em>
</p><p>Jared is so shocked he can barely breathe. A dead silence falls over the audience, everyone clearly shocked with the revelation.</p><p>“I did this because my manager thought it would be a good way to put me in the spotlight, to make me famous, to get people to talk about me on the internet, it would be a huge promotion. A texan gay rock singer isn’t something you see everyday right? So I went with the plan, but I couldn’t have just anyone pretending to be my husband. So I asked my best friend, the person I care most about in the world to do this favor for me, because he’s the only person I trusted to do this with me. And he accepted it, because I asked. We created this fake relationship, and I thought it was the right thing to do, but I was wrong.”</p><p>Jensen locks his gaze with Jared’s, who is still so shocked he can’t move. “The thing is, our marriage may have been fake, but the feelings were always there. Jared has been my best friend for almost my entire life, he has been the one person who stood by my side through it all, who wrote me the songs, who encouraged me, who made me famous by posting YouTube videos. I can’t put into words how much Jared means to me. But I always saw Jared as only my dearest friend, nothing more.”</p><p>Jared’s heart hurts and tears threaten to form in his eyes, Jensen’s eyes never leaving his. “At the same time, I have always looked for something. But apparently, I could never find it. I met a lot of people, got involved with them, but they were never what I was looking for. I was feeling lost and adrift because I didn’t know <em>what </em>I was looking for. Nothing ever made sense.” Jensen grips the mic tighter and licks his lips before continuing, and he looks at Jared even more intensely. “What I never realized was that the thing I was looking for was the same thing I had all along. I ended up realizing I would never find what I was looking for in anyone else, because I already had, long ago. I found it in you, Jared.”</p><p>Jared’s heart stops. Jared can’t be possibly saying what Jared thinks he’s saying, can he? He grabs the armrest in his chair trying to remember how to breathe.</p><p>Jensen purses his lips, and Jared can see his eyes are shining. “Jay, I’m sorry it took me so long to realize this. I’m sorry for not saying it sooner even though I’ve known for a while. Ever since that fateful night of our argument. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling you anything, but then some smart friends helped me realize this wasn’t the way. You needed to know the truth before making your decision. And I decided to tell you the truth in front of the whole world, because I want every single person to know how I feel.”</p><p>Jensen makes a pause and Jared finds himself mouthing <em>how do you feel?, </em>and it’s like the whole world stops moving before Jensen says the next words.</p><p>“I love you too, Jared.”</p><p>Tears explode out of Jared’s eyes, who makes no effort to hold them back. He’s pretty sure this is a dream, it’s too fantastic to be real life, so he decides to enjoy every moment of it before waking up.</p><p>
  <em>Jensen just said he loves him too.</em>
</p><p>“I do love you, so much.” Jensen has tears falling down his own face, their eyes still locked in a gaze as if there’s nobody else in here but them. “I always have, just never realized it. You told me in that letter that I should now focus on my dream. But Jay, I came to the conclusion that my dream isn’t really this, if it’s without you. It never has been actually. It took me a long time to figure out that my dream is <em>you</em>. It’s wherever you are. None of this matters if you aren’t by my side. I don’t want to stay in that apartment in New York without you. If you want to, I really hope you would come back with me. We are even flying on a private jet, remember? But if you don’t want this life, I will gladly drop it all and come back here to stay with you, go back to our peaceful life. Sony will probably sue me for breaking the contract, but I will do it if you say the word.”</p><p>Jared’s chuckle break the steady river of tears falling down his face. Is this really happening?</p><p>“I don’t know if I deserve you, Jay. I’ve made a lot of mistakes with you, I hurt you a lot. I’ll understand if you don’t want anything to do with me. I’ll probably be in the Guiness Book for being stood up in front of the largest audience. But I don’t care, I decided to put myself out there like this, to open myself in front of the whole world because you deserve it, Jay. You deserve everything. And if you by some miracle decide you still want me, I’d be the happiest guy in the world. Because Jay, the only thing I really want, the only thing that really matters to me, is to belong to you. I’m offering all of me to you.”</p><p>Jensen gives both of them a few moments to catch their breath, and Jared’s heart is beating so hard he’s surprised it hasn’t jumped out of his chest.</p><p>
  <em>Jensen loves him, he loves Jared. Jensen loves Jared like Jared loves Jensen.</em>
</p><p>He can’t believe this.</p><p>Jensen clears his throat. “Well, now we move on to the last song. You all know Jared is the one who writes all my songs, but this one isn’t written by him. I know I’m not a songwriter, but this one came from somewhere deep inside. Jared has written a number of songs using me as his inspiration. Now it’s my turn, Jay. You're my inspiration, the love I feel for you. So now I’m singing the first song I’ve written, which is of course, for you.”</p><p>Jensen looks behind him and nods to Chris and Steve. Jared holds his breath in anticipation, Jensen wrote a song for <em>him</em>? This has never happened even in his wildest dreams and he thinks he might puke he’s so anxious.</p><p>The guys start playing the intro, and Jensen takes a couple deep breaths, looking again directly at Jared as he starts to sing.</p><p></p><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>Oh thinkin' about all our younger years</em>
    <br/>
    <em>There was only you and me</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We were young and wild and free</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>Now nothin' can take you away from me</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We've been down that road before</em>
    <br/>
    <em>But that's over now</em>
    <br/>
    <em>You keep me comin' back for more</em>
  </p>
</div><p>Jensen starts moving, taking the steps down from the stage and walking towards Jared. He stops in front of him and offers his hand. Jared looks at it, knowing this is much more than just Jensen offering a hand. Jared smiles at him through tears and takes it, accepting it all. He gets up and they face each other, Jensen links their fingers together as he keeps singing directly to Jared, pouring every ounce of emotion in each word that comes out of his mouth.</p><p></p><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>Baby, you're all that I want</em>
    <br/>
    <em>When you're lyin' here in my arms</em>
    <br/>
    <em>I'm findin' it hard to believe</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We're in heaven</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>And love is all that I need</em>
    <br/>
    <em>And I found it there in your heart</em>
    <br/>
    <em>It isn't too hard to see</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We're in heaven</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Oh, once in your life you find someone</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Who will turn your world around</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Bring you up when you're feelin' down</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Yeah, nothin' could change what you mean to me</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Oh, there's lots that I could say</em>
    <br/>
    <em>But just hold me now</em>
    <br/>
    <em>'Cause our love will light the way</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>And, baby, you're all that I want</em>
    <br/>
    <em>When you're lyin' here in my arms</em>
    <br/>
    <em>I'm findin' it hard to believe</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We're in heaven</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Yeah, love is all that I need</em>
    <br/>
    <em>And I found it there in your heart</em>
    <br/>
    <em>It isn't too hard to see</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We're in heaven</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I've been waitin' for so long</em>
    <br/>
    <em>For somethin' to arrive</em>
    <br/>
    <em>For love to come along</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Now our dreams are comin' true</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Through the good times and the bad</em>
    <br/>
    <em>Yeah, I'll be standin' there by you</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>And, baby, you're all that I want</em>
    <br/>
    <em>When you're lyin' here in my arms</em>
    <br/>
    <em>I'm findin' it hard to believe</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We're in heaven</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>And love is all that I need</em>
    <br/>
    <em>And I found it there in your heart</em>
    <br/>
    <em>It isn't too hard to see</em>
    <br/>
    <em>We're in heaven, heaven</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>You're all that I want</em>
    <br/>
    <em>You're all that I need</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>We're in heaven.</em>
  </p>
</div><p>Jensen finishes the song and the whole world stays still. They stare deeply into each other’s eyes, finally within arms’ reach after Jensen has sung the most perfect song of all. Everything fades to black and it’s only Jared and Jensen, nothing else matters at this moment. Time passes, the amount of it inconsequential. Could be a few seconds or two centuries. Jensen slowly lowers the mic and speaks, only loud enough for Jared to hear.</p><p>“Can I have you?”</p><p>Fresh tears fall down Jared’s face upon hearing the words he has always dreamed about but never in a million years thought he would actually hear coming out of Jensen’s mouth. Jared lifts his hand and frames Jensen’s face, offering him the most beautiful smile.</p><p>”I have always been yours.”</p><p>Jared finally does what he has always dreamed of, and pulls Jensen for a kiss. Jensen places a hand on Jared’s face and wraps his other arm around him. The venue suddenly explodes, but Jared couldn’t care less. Jensen kisses him passionately and Jared can feel the love pouring out of him. He really feels like he’s in heaven, his own personal heaven with Jensen. They kiss for what feels like forever, Jared doesn’t want to let go, ever, Jensen tastes even more perfect than he remembers. He finally has what he always wanted and it’s still surreal.</p><p>They finally break apart and Jensen presses his forehead against Jared’s, giving him a smile. Jared smiles back, trying to find his voice.</p><p>“Is this real?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Yes it is. And it will be real forever.”</p><p>Jared smiles wider, and Jensen gives Jared another chaste kiss before addressing everyone, mic back on his mouth.</p><p>“He said yes!” Loud cheers and whistles come from the audience at that declaration and a blushing Jared finally focuses on his friends and family standing in front of them, clapping and cheering like maniacs, and he smiles at them. Jensen pulls Jared by the hand. “Good night Dallas and thank you! This was the best night of my life!”</p><p>Jensen pulls Jared backstage, to the VIP room all set up for a small after party. Jensen stops quickly enough to check with security and give them the names of their friends and family allowed in the VIP room. With that taken care of, Jensen pushes the door open and pulls Jared inside. It’s mostly empty still, only the staff around, and Jensen takes Jared to a more secluded section.</p><p>They stare at each other for a few moments, catching their breaths, trying to calm down after so much adrenaline. Jensen stares at Jared with adoring eyes.</p><p>“I can’t believe you said yes.”</p><p>Jared smiles back, still trying to process everything, he isn’t 100% convinced this isn’t a dream yet.</p><p>“I can’t believe you want to be with me, that you did all of this.”</p><p>They stare at each other for a few more moments and then both of them burst out laughing. Jared is so relieved, so happy, and he knows Jensen feels the same. Jensen pulls him to a hug, and Jared wraps his arms around him so tight they almost fuse together.</p><p>“I missed you so much,” Jensen whispers in his ear, and Jared allows some more tears to fall down as he buries his face in Jensen’s neck.</p><p>“I missed you too. Like a part of me wasn’t there.”</p><p>They break apart so they can stare at each other.</p><p>“Jay, I…” Jensen starts but is interrupted when the door to the room bursts open and everyone runs inside, calling for them.</p><p>Jared gives him a knowing smile. “We can talk later.”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Definitely.”</p><p>*</p><p>They spend a couple of hours at the party, their friends and family are all over the moon at their decision to finally be together for real. Eventually Jensen calls Justin over and tells Jared about how Justin helped a lot, being in on the plan from the beginning. Jared is surprised at hearing that, and thanks his friend for the help. He also thanks Chris and Steve who also apparently talked to Jensen and convinced him to come clean with Jared.</p><p>At one point they are more than exhausted, so Jensen suggests they leave the party which Jared is more than on board with. He could use some calm right now. Jensen offers the hotel they’re booked at for the gig, conveniently across the street from the venue, and they can spend the night there.</p><p>Once they are settled in the room, both lie down on the big king size bed so they can talk. Jared would really prefer to do other things, but they really need to talk first and they are both too drained for that right now, physically and emotionally. Plus, when that happens, it has to be special.</p><p>“Jay… I need to confess something to you.” Jensen is serious as they lie on the bed side by side, facing each other. Jared raises his eyebrows in question. “I know where I was going when I had the accident. I always knew. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”</p><p>Jared’s eyes widen in shock, and his heart beats faster. “You <em>do</em>? Where were you going Jensen??”</p><p>Jensen purses his lips. “To Sony, so I could try and get Justin’s address. I was hoping you would be there. That night after you left I finally realized what I felt for you. I really wanted to be with you but at the same time I knew I had hurt you deeply, many times. I thought I didn’t deserve you. I wanted to talk to you, tell you I was stepping out of your life, that it was for the best. That you should find someone who truly deserved you. I thought it was the right thing to do. But as you can tell, I got sidetracked. Sorry I didn’t tell you this before, but like I said I didn’t know how. Plus you had said you didn’t want to talk about it so I thought it was better to pretend I couldn’t remember.”</p><p>Jared thinks about it for a while, too many emotions running amok inside him. “I wish we had talked. I assumed you hadn’t said anything because you didn’t feel the same way.”</p><p>Jensen sighs. “And I thought you would be better off without me, so it would be for the best not to say anything.”</p><p>Jared chuckles. “We are both idiots.”</p><p>Jensen frames Jared’s face. “Yeah we are. I’m just glad we can be idiots together now.”</p><p>They make out for a while and talk some more, and Jared just can’t believe how happy he is right now. Kissing Jensen feels like a dream, he kisses better than anyone else Jared has kissed before. Or maybe he’s just biased because it’s Jensen. But he’s so passionate and caring and he kisses Jared so intensely, again it’s like Jared can feel the love pouring out of Jensen into him through the kiss.</p><p>They also have a serious moment when Jensen tells him about Alan, how Justin told him what his father had said to Jared and how he cut ties with him. Jared feels guilty for getting in the way of their relationship like this, but Jensen assures him it’s not his fault. If his father is a bigot who can’t accept a love so beautiful as theirs, it’s his loss. Jared really hopes Alan can come to his senses someday; despite everything he doesn’t want for Jensen to have to cut his father out of his life.</p><p>Eventually Jared feels tired as fuck, he doesn’t want to sleep but he feels it’s gonna be inevitable soon. Jensen is tired too, but before going to bed, he asks Jared one last question.</p><p>“Jay… Do you know what you want to do yet? If you want to go back to New York with me or stay here? You know I wasn’t joking when I said I will drop everything and come back here to be with you.”</p><p>Jared smiles at Jensen, he can’t believe Jensen would sacrifice so much for him. It makes him love Jensen even more. Jared gives him a smile, kissing the back of his hand.</p><p>“I would never ask you that, Jen. I don’t want for you to drop your career. You deserve to be where you are and to reach the top of the world. Just like you said you want to be wherever I am, same goes for me. I don’t care where we are. All I want is the chance to be with you. I’m more than happy to go back to our apartment, I love it there. I want to be by your side through it all. And if you still want it, I can keep writing the songs for you. You’re gonna make us soooo rich.”</p><p>Jensen laughs. “Fine. One condition though.” Jared lifts an eyebrow in question. “We are gonna have to share a room now. My bedroom is too lonely and quiet without you there, I got used to your snoring. And I wouldn’t want anyone else writing my songs other than you.”</p><p>Jared smiles fondly at him. “I’m more than happy to move across the hall. And you did pretty good yourself with the song. It’s perfect, Jen. Every word.”</p><p>Jensen looks lovingly at Jared, placing a strand of hair behind his ear. “That’s because you inspired me, darling. I wrote every word thinking of you.”</p><p>*</p><p>Jared spends an amazing night, sleeping tangled with Jensen. Of course he wants to get to the “good part” soon, but just being this close to Jensen, feeling his skin against his own as they sleep, is already incredible.</p><p>In the morning Jared goes back home to pack his stuff, he’s eager to go back to New York with Jensen. Justin returns to the hotel with Jared since he’s getting a ride back home as well. His friend is very excited that all worked out so well. Jared owes Justin a lot, he has proved to be an incredible friend to both Jared and Jensen. Jared truly wants to keep him in his life, and he hopes Justin finds someone very special himself. He deserves it and whoever gets him will be a very lucky person.</p><p>Jared looks like a kid on Christmas morning as he boards the private jet, Jensen right behind him. He inspects everything, he has never been in one of those before. Jensen smiles fondly at his excitement. The flight home is very peaceful, Jared spends most of the time with Jensen on the couch in the middle section of the plane. They talk, make out more, and have expensive drinks prepared by the flight attendant. Jeff eventually shows up and turns on the TV, showing how Jensen is the number 1 gossip topic. Their faces are all over the news, and Jared knows Jensen will have to deal with all of that soon. They haven’t checked their phones since the gig, and when Jensen does it, there are millions of messages everywhere. Jared realizes he also has a lot of notifications himself. But they decide not to deal with it right now, there will be time for that later.</p><p>*</p><p>Arriving back in their apartment is a fantastic feeling. Jared has the clear sense of returning <em>home</em>. He has learned how to love this place over time, and even though they haven’t been living here for too long, there’s a lot of memories in this place.</p><p>“Welcome home, Jay.” Jensen sets his small suitcase by the door and wraps his arms around Jared from behind, kissing his shoulder. “Thank you for coming back.”</p><p>Jared smiles and turns around to face Jensen. “I’m so happy to be here again.”</p><p>Jensen pulls Jared for a sweet kiss, and Jared still can’t believe it’s real. Jensen’s taste is perfection and Jared is addicted to it.</p><p>Jensen sends Jared to (now their) bedroom to shower and unpack, and asks that he stays there for now. Jared complies and happily goes to his new bedroom. That he will be sharing with Jensen again. But now it will be even better because they are gonna share the bed too. The thought alone sends shivers up Jared’s spine.</p><p>Eventually Jensen allows Jared to return to the living room and Jared is glad because he’s starving and hasn’t had anything to eat since morning.</p><p>Jared stops as he enters the living room. Jensen has created a <em>mood</em>. The lights are dim, there’s soft music playing somewhere, the table is set for them with candles, wine and food that looks and smells delicious. Jared looks at Jensen and smirks, all his insides warming up instantly.</p><p>“You are such a romantic, I could never tell that before.”</p><p>Jensen shrugs and Jared can see his cheeks are pink, as if he’s suddenly shy and nervous. “Well, what can I say? You deserve it. By the way I wasn’t in the mood for cooking so I ordered from that restaurant you love. Is this okay? You like it? Is it too much?”</p><p>Jared closes the distance and kisses Jensen’s cheek. “It’s perfect. I love it.”</p><p>They have a great dinner together, food is delicious and they toast with red wine. They end up finishing the whole bottle, which helps Jared loosen up a bit. Once they are done with dinner Jensen scoots the chair closer to Jared and pulls him to a kiss. It starts light but soon Jensen is licking his way into Jared’s mouth, grabbing the back of his head and deepening the kiss. Jared pulls Jensen towards him so he can feel his body pressed against his, and they kiss passionately. Jared feels the heat suffusing his body, breaths becoming shallower as he kisses Jensen harder, his dick thickening inside his pants.</p><p>“Jay… Jay I…” Jensen pants into Jared’s mouth, and Jared nods.</p><p>“I know. Me too.” He manages to whisper, and Jensen pulls back just an inch so he can look at Jared.</p><p>“Wanna go to the bedroom?”</p><p>Jared takes a look around the living room, which looks so cozy and warm right now. His gaze travels to the floor-to-ceiling window and the city outside that he loves so much. He smirks at Jensen.</p><p>“I have a better idea.”</p><p>It pains him to extract himself from Jensen’s arms but this is going to be great. He hurries to the bedroom as he tells Jensen to grab the cushions from the couch. Jared collects a few blankets and pillows, as well as lube and condoms, and returns to the living room.</p><p>“Help me here, Jen.”</p><p>Together they create a comfortable nest right in front of the window, and Jared kneels down among the cushions and extends a hand to Jensen.</p><p>“Come.”</p><p>Jensen gives Jared a sweet smile and joins him on the blankets. Jared returns the smile. “I think this is even better than the bedroom, don’t you think?”</p><p>Jensen nods. “Wherever you are, my love.”</p><p>The music still playing sets the mood, and they stare deeply into each other’s eyes as they kneel in front of each other, the beautiful city lights just outside. Jensen reaches out and places a hand on Jared’s neck, sliding it down his chest.</p><p>“You’re so beautiful, Jay. Can I see you?”</p><p>Jared nods. Jensen reaches for the hem of Jared’s shirt and pulls it over his head. Jared returns the favor, and admires Jensen’s naked torso. He has seen Jensen shirtless before, but this is new. Now he’s allowed to touch, so that’s what he does. He tentatively reaches out and places his hand on Jensen’s chest, running his thumb over his nipple. Jensen bites his bottom lip.</p><p>“Yes, Jay.”</p><p>Jared smiles. “You like that?”</p><p>Jensen just nods, and Jared leans down to wrap his lips around Jensen’s other nipple, giving it a light bite. Jensen grunts and grabs Jared’s waist, sinking his nails on it, and tilting his head back as Jared licks around his areola. Jared’s dick is even harder now and he knows he will have to be strong not to come untouched, just from being able to touch Jensen like this.</p><p>Jared moves to Jensen’s other nipple at the same time as his hand travels down to find Jensen’s erection, and he palms it through his pants, making Jensen buck his hips into his hand. Jared chuckles and with one last lick to Jensen’s nipple, he raises his head to look at Jensen.</p><p>“I’m guessing you like that, huh?”</p><p>Jensen gives him a predatory look and with one swift move, he has Jared lying down on the blanket, and he positions himself on all fours over him. Jensen narrows his eyes.</p><p>“So you like being a tease, huh? I can do that too.”</p><p>Jensen leans down for a hard kiss, then he moves to Jared’s cheek, jawline and neck, creating a trail of kisses and licks, and he sucks on a spot behind Jared’s ear, making him see stars. Jensen moves down, giving Jared’s nipples the same treatment Jared gave his, and Jared bites his lip so hard he probably draws blood. He’s trying to be strong and not to come just yet because it’s gonna be ridiculous. He wants to last longer.</p><p>Jensen licks around Jared’s left nipple and looks up at him, his pupils dilated. “I want to confess something to you Jay. I saw you and Justin, you know?”</p><p>Jensen continues down, reaching Jared’s navel. Jared tries to form words but he can’t, he just shakes his head. “Yeah, I did. When he kissed you that night, by the door. I saw it. I felt so jealous but I didn’t know at the time what I was feeling.”</p><p>Jared’s heart is beating so fast he’s surprised it hasn’t exploded.</p><p>Jensen sits up and reaches for Jared’s pants, his eyes almost burning holes in Jared’s skin. “I slept with that guy because I was jealous. I wanted for it to be you, but again, I didn’t know it. It didn’t feel right.” Jensen unbuttons Jared’s jeans. “Then at the after party when I had my first gig, I heard you in the bathroom with Justin. I heard him sucking your dick. That was the night I kissed you, remember? Deep down I knew <em>I</em> wanted to be the one to suck you like that.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, God.</em>
</p><p>Jensen removes Jared’s pants and boxers, throwing them aside and admiring Jared’s whole naked body. He licks his bottom lip as he stares at Jared’s fat dick.</p><p>“Holy shit, Jay.”</p><p>Jensen wraps his fingers around Jared’s shaft and he grabs the sheets, biting his lip even harder, this already feels <em>so good. </em>Jensen gives him a shy smile.</p><p>“I have never done this before, okay? So bear with me.”</p><p>Jared frowns. “You didn’t… with T… that dude?”</p><p>Jensen shakes his head. “Didn’t feel right.”</p><p>Jared smiles, and Jensen leans down to capture the head of Jared’s dick in his mouth. He licks around it tentatively, and it’s already the best thing Jared has ever felt. He forces his eyes to stay open so he can watch Jensen, he wants to keep this picture burned into his mind forever. Jensen takes him a bit deeper, Jared knows he won’t be able to go down all the way, his gag reflex won’t allow it, but this already feels too good. Jensen is halfway down Jared’s dick and manages to look up, asking without words if it’s okay. Jared nods, it’s much more than okay. So much that Jared doesn’t know how he hasn’t come yet, but he doesn’t want to. It pains Jared but after a few moments of Jensen bobbing his head up and down, Jared pulls him away from his dick.</p><p>“As much as I’d love for you to keep going, I know I won’t last and I want to come with you inside me.”</p><p>Jensen’s eyes widen almost comically, as if this is huge news to him. Jared chuckles and reaches for the lube and condom, offering them to Jensen.</p><p>“Been dreaming about this forever.”</p><p>Jensen takes the offered items and looks nervously at Jared. “I hope I don’t hurt you.”</p><p>Jared reaches out and cups Jensen’s face with a hand. “You would never.”</p><p>Jensen smiles back, and they share a long and deep look. Jared trusts Jensen more than anyone, and Jensen knows it. So he removes his own pants and underwear, and Jared’s heart stops as he sees Jensen’s dick.</p><p>“Oh, shit.”</p><p>Jensen smirks. “Did I live up to your expectation?”</p><p>Jared lifts an eyebrow. “Why don’t you hurry up so we can find out? Come on, Jen. Open me up.”</p><p>Jensen nods nervously and coats his fingers with lube. Jared spreads his legs for him, and Jensen very carefully starts inserting a finger in Jared’s most intimate part. Jared clenches his teeth, this is really happening. Jensen wraps an arm around Jared’s folded leg, and works his finger carefully in and out of Jared, intent on his face to see if it’s okay. He then adds a second and later a third finger, scissoring them to stretch Jared and make him ready for him.</p><p>Finally Jared has had enough. “I’m good Jen, just do it. Please. I’ve wanted this my whole life, get inside me. I need to feel you in me.”</p><p>Jensen gives him an intense look and nods. He wipes his fingers in his discarded shirt and grabs the condom, rolling it down his gorgeous dick.</p><p>“We are getting tested, alright? I want to do this soon without anything between us.”</p><p>Jared nods. “Okay we will. Hurry now.”</p><p>Jensen chuckles and finally lines his dick with Jared’s hole, positioning the head at his entrance. He leans over Jared, bracing himself with a hand beside Jared’s head. Jensen looks deeply at him.</p><p>“I can’t believe we are doing this. It feels surreal.”</p><p>Jared purses his lips, touching Jensen’s face. “No turning back now.”</p><p>Jensen gives him a small smile. “As if I’d ever want to turn back. All I want is to move forward with you.”</p><p>Jared blinks a couple of times, the moment shared between them goes beyond words. “Then do it.”</p><p>Very slowly Jensen pushes inside, it burns but Jared more than welcomes it. He doesn’t let go of Jensen’s face, and their eyes never leave each other as Jensen bottoms out. Jared’s breath becomes more deliberate and he tries to calm himself down so his body can get used to Jensen. He finally nods, letting Jensen know he can move.</p><p>So Jensen does, carefully pulling all the way out and sliding back in, over and over, and soon the discomfort gives way to blissful pleasure. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s neck and pulls him down for a passionate kiss, as he wraps both legs around Jensen’s torso.</p><p>“Go harder, Jen… angle... up.” Jared tries to pant the words into Jensen’s mouth. He changes the angle as he pushes back inside, and Jared’s body buckles up from the pleasure that shoots through him. Jensen reaches between their bodies and wraps his hand around Jared’s dick, stroking it at the same pace as his thrusts.</p><p>Jared kisses him even harder, pleasure overtaking him, and as he clenches his hole around Jensen’s dick he feels Jensen pulse buried inside him, hears Jared’s name chanted like a prayer against his lips, and all sensations combined ensure that Jared comes shortly after. Jensen strokes Jared through it, and Jared feels like he just exploded. He can’t even <em>breathe</em>.</p><p>As Jensen collapses half on top of him, both covered in Jared’s come, he can feel Jensen going soft inside him, but he doesn’t pull out. They allow for their breaths to even out, and Jared wraps his arms around Jensen who lays his head on Jared’s chest. They don’t say anything for a long time, there’s no words needed. It was much more and better than Jared’s wildest dreams, because this is the real thing and nothing can ever compare. It has never felt like this before because Jared has never loved anyone else. This is what making love really feels like, and Jared wants it forever.</p><p>Eventually Jensen looks up, and they share a smile. Jared touches Jensen’s face and pulls him in for a sweet kiss. Without letting go of each other, they spend some time watching the city outside. There’s no rush for anything, they are right where they are supposed to be. Jared feels like he’s in his own personal heaven. He knows there is a whole world waiting for them just outside that window and they will deal with it together when morning comes. But for now, the whole world is just the two of them.</p><p>Jensen looks up and braces himself on his elbow so he can look straight at Jared’s face. “Jay… when we had that fake wedding, I read you some vows. I promised I’d love you and cherish you forever. I know that was not the real thing and you were really hurt by having to do that. But right now, I want you to know I always meant it, even if I was too dense to realize it at the time. I promise to always love you, and I will always do everything I possibly can to be worthy of your love. My only regret will always be you not being my first.”</p><p>Jared feels tears forming in his eyes, and he doesn’t hold them back. He lifts a hand and runs his fingers over Jensen’s face, the love he feels for his best friend burning hotly under his skin. It’s still surreal to have his dream coming true right before his eyes, to know Jensen belongs to him. He stares deeply into Jensen’s eyes as he speaks.</p><p>“I meant every word too. I have always loved you and always will. It doesn’t matter what happened, everything brought us here, to this moment. What matters is the future we will share together. I don’t care where or how, all I want is to be by your side through it all. It doesn’t matter if it’s on a private expensive jet or in a crappy apartment in Dallas. And it’s okay that I was not your first. The only thing I want is to be your last.”</p><p>Jensen smiles that beautiful smile of his, the one that he saves only for Jared, and leans down for a kiss. He presses their foreheads together and whispers against Jared’s skin.</p><p>“My sweet Jay, you are my only one.”</p><p>And right there in that perfect moment, Jared is certain of one thing.</p><p>It was worth the wait.</p><p>
  
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</p><p><em>"Love is patient, love is kind. </em><br/><em>It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. </em><br/><em>It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, </em><br/><em>It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. </em><br/><em>Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. </em><br/><em>It always protects, always trusts, </em><br/><em>always hopes, always perseveres. </em><br/><strong><em>Love never fails.</em></strong>"</p><p> </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlPlfCy1urI">First song for this chapter</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8xVVXULZZw">Second song for this chapter.</a> - As I said, I suggest opening this one and listening to it because it's not Bryan Adams, it's Jensen Ackles himself singing. That's one of the reasons why it's so special apart from the lyrics of course. I chose this one time where he sung it because I attended this con, I saw this beauty live and it was completely amazing. I also have my own vid of it, but since it's not the whole song I decided to pick a different one. I love this so much!</p><p>And this is the end of one more story! I'm so so incredibly happy and thankful and excited to be able to reach the end of another story, my third WIP! I was so unsure when I first started writing this, I shared it with you guys that I decided to post the first chapter as an incentive to keep writing this fic because it was an idea I had a long time ago. And I'm so glad I reached  the end! I'm happy to say that another one of my handful of fic ideas came to life and has reached its conclusion. </p><p>This fic would be different at first, I had another plan for it and it would go on another direction originally. But eventually I chose to go on another path and decided to change where it headed to since I wasn't happy with my first plan. I think it worked much better this way!</p><p>I'd like to thank a few people for helping me with this. Cass, who I've known for years and was one of my first SPN friends and even though we don't talk as regularly, she stepped up to do some brainstorming with me and gave some great ideas and incentive for this story.</p><p>Mag, OF COURSE, for being not only my beta through this but also my lifesaver. She brainstormed with me a lot of times, specially when I was stuck and didn't know how to go forward, and also when I wanted to change the course of this fic but wasn't sure how to do it (I lost some sleep over it). Thank you for all the talks and ideas!</p><p>Also Lia for helping me with the medical part since I'm not a professional or anything, she gave me some great tips abou Jensen's recovery.</p><p>And Debivc78 for reaching out to me with some incredible song ideas that helped me create some scenes for this story  and the songs fitted perfectly!</p><p>And I would like to make an honorable mention to one of my favorite J2 fics, that I read years and years ago for the first time (and some other times after that), and that fic was one of the inspirations for me to write this one, which is <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/442979">Beautiful Disaster</a> by Nyxociy. Nyx is one of my favorite authors and an incredible person, and her stories always inspire me a lot. </p><p>Thank you so much for you guys reading this story and taking your time to share your thoughts with me. I really hope you enjoyed the end I chose and the whole story altogether. It was a huge pleasure finally writing it (this idea has been with me for ages and I feel so relieved now) and sharing it with you. </p><p>As usual, if you can please spare some time to share your final thoughts with me, it really means a lot!</p><p>I'm adding another chapter with the Soundtrack of this fic, since it has a lot of songs it deserves a soundtrack!</p><p>One more time, thank you for reading my story.</p><p>Love,<br/>Lullys.</p><p>PS: I love the final quote!</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Soundtrack</h2></a>
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  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6_jFN9aavohwV3teODOMfvv98HDm56Hy">Soundtrack on YouTube</a>
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  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/55VhnyDBqsjPNTPNiSVrO6?si=0aDjxjWyS0-LZ8--gzb0Rw">Soundtrack on Spotify</a>
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